life stuff

Apologies that all these posts are just boring documentations of my more boring life-I wanna do a journal update but I need energy and I ain't got much of that.


 Here's a brain storm.
The most dominating feature of this has been the future. I am suppressing the thoughts because I am terrified and don't exist in any future and don't want to leave security or grow up or be an adult. I am regretting not applying to uni but then again know I wouldn't be able to cope if I went in September. This thought has been strategically buried this past week and I hope to leave it there.

Trump and History.

Everything he has done, and we are on day 8, I cry in fear. The progress and movement and empowerment, lost in a patriarchal signature. I maybe have some hope, the people are strong and have a voice, but from my desk in the middle of the UK, I feel helpless. The most repulsively ironic aspect of this sickening thing is the signing of his Immigration ban on HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL DAY. The day in which we remember the 6 (12) million who were systematically murdered for their religion (race, ability, sexuality...) and, with the flick of his grotesque pen, he is moving a step closer. And Theresa May, you weak, Trump-loving appeaser. Remember, you are 100% un-elected. I am disgusted to have you leading our country and 'speaking' our 'British values'.
#TheresatheAppeaser is trending on Twitter and its terrifyingly accurate and is foreshadowing a much darker future. Just remember what weak old Nev did with his piece of paper.

History wise, it has encouraged the epiphany of History. That sounds revolutionary, its not. I just worked out part of why I love it so much. Its the certainty. I know that Germany spent the first half of the 20th century (or more) in total turmoil but that it is now the most powerful country in Europe. It would have felt never ending in the repression of the Nazi period or the chaos of the division but its just a timeline now, a story that I know the end of. But this, Brexit and Trump and the climate, its now. I don't know how it will end. I think that's why I like it.

I spent 7 hours dancing this weekend. (which is actually a lie bc I wrote this last weekend. Instead dancing until 4am, I ate dough balls and watched Angus, thongs and perfect snogging with ma pals, reliving the 2008 mems). In heels, until 4am. It is, by far, the most enjoyable exercise. The weekend was passed in taxis, on the dance floor, with friends, in bars and next to speakers that left my ears ringing for 3 days. It was captured in pictures in bathroom mirrors, the constant headache and bruises invading my chin, shins and feet (from dancing in a compact room, not a fight lol). I lost my inhibitions, did no school work, got 3 hours sleep and am proud of the release.

Its a slow Sunday morning, my room is a tip, I've got mountains of coursework to battle through. I am thinking too much about the future, not just my gap year but when I am old, old. It is pointless because what is it going to achieve? I am hoping next year to do some writing, maybe make a zine, or write for one at least. I am terrified of the apparent emptiness and lack-of-focus but it'll be okay when it happens.



The tears are relentless.
"I am at the end of the world"
And I know when I wake tomorrow, it won't feel that way,
but now I am trapped.
In failure.
In fear.
In discomfort.
In expectation.
In disappointment.
I am not invincible.


There are good things. I got a cat and she sits by my feet and watches me work and it breaks my heart. I bought the season's first of mini eggs today and I've been loving the new series of Sherlock.
I am simply exhausted, through fear and exams.
I hope it feels better tomorrow.


To break through the overwhelming and saddening reflections on the whirlwind of this past year, here is a grounding excerpt to remind of our blessing.

"Although by most measures this has been a terrible year,
it is a terrible year in a spectacular world.
For us to be here, together, now,
it is a privilege"

I have been repeating it to myself as a mantra. Its origin is unknown but it rationalises the reflections.
To two thousand and seventeen.