spring

The soft golden light and the meadows of wild darts of colour and the sandstone that blends into the hues of the spring evening sky. Canals and rivers, and walks doused in the thick smell of warmth, and laughter and panes of rectangular sunset reflected on the walls. Old libraries flexing in the light, cloudy mornings of promise.
Oxford, in spring, is idyllic.

Its a monday night, the first of term. I am very tired, and quite overwhelmed, but also happy. I've had a magical weekend of pubs and pimms and singing and running and friends and warmth and reading, much needed after the brutal shock of 6 hours of exams.
But perhaps that explains the cold drag of today.
My brain is so tired I can't think of words. I've spent an obscenity of today reading and thinking and writing and, frankly, it has been too much.
But I also played football in the sun, and called my mum to rant about the laughable workload I have, which pains/stresses/scares/annoys me so much I've bored myself with thinking about it.
My friends cooked me tea, and went to Tesco for me and I practiced self-care by not cramming in any more.
Fun things are coming, and summer's on its way, even if I am yet to solidify plans. But that's okay. My existential angst has been quiet these past few days, for which I am grateful for, and attempting to maintain.

And some things I've loved, or am loving.
Jane the Virgin, because its just ridiculous, but what I need.
Samuel Barber: An American Romantic (I'm not even gonna apologise for liking choral music. I've been mocked enough. But u know, this is really actually v good and I like it for working)
Sally Rooney Conversations with Friends, became almost painfully mental, I felt inside her torment, but so skilful and heartbreaking and easy to read
Dolly Alderton Everything I know about love, because its quick and its abrasive but wise and funny and very fuckin' apt and true and ridiculous
Jodi Picoult A Spark of Light because it made me think about abortion and women's rights and how ironic pro-life arguments can be but also so skilful in presenting unbiased, uninfluenced ideas, she's really good at this kind of book
Coconut yoghurt
Summer
Cream jeans
Evening walks

Stay sane peeps. We've got this (even when they throw 12 essays at u in 6 weeks then exams lol!)

What a liberation to realise that the 'voice in my head' is not who I am. 
'Who am I, then?'
The one who sees that. 

exam care

Checking in! Because who knows the next time I will!

My days are just disappearing and I don't know where they're going, I sit down to read, procrastinate and eat and then suddenly is 7pm and I've achieved zilch. 

I have done some fun things tho.

Caught up with my friends over spilled vodka lime sodas, a week in the place of my childhood dreams, joined a running club and ran a lot, anxious trains but a day of drinking and laughing with friends, and seeing Dalal and Libby.Also consumed some gud things (will expand) and made some sick cakes (will also expand).

Exam season is coming up, which I am a bit scared about but also not really thinking about. I feel remarkably chilled about work atm, which is in itself slightly stress-inducing. I have a fuck tonne to do but am of the mentality that doing it isn't going to reduce the amount I have.
Strange logic.
I've taken today off from workin', mostly because I'm nursing a bad hangover, traipsed to the foodbank to volunteer at 9am (without my car sad timez) and have really just had a fuckin' good day and don't want to spoil it!
I also know I will be back on the diligence tomorrow, because my brain just can't help itself.
This exam season is gonna b different. I'm a mess in exam/revision times lmao, in the 6 months up to A-levels I just cried as a coping mechanism and didn't really exist.
But you already know that.
This one is different for several reasons. 1) I'm away from home (which does induce some anxiety as my mum is my rock (in case u couldn't tell)), 2) I've got 6 double-essay weeks preceding exams, 3) they don't count, but sorta do, 4) I don't care that much, but sorta do (a lot), 5) I have to wear a twatty outfit (see here) and a specific flower lmao.
Anyway. You all seem to be working hard, I am too, and before the bliss of summer (see last post), we have to beat these exams.
SO. Here's how we're gonna get through.

1) Snacks (but with some health substance bcuz I'm gonna be sedentary nd need my brain to work) recommended: dried mango, dark chocolate, these cacao golden berries (but only when my mum posts them to be because ££££), choco leibniz, a lot of squash
2) coffee (black, with soya milk, with hot chocolate mixed in, anything)
3) sleep
4) trash reads (Harry Potter is gr8 for this)
5) fun things (I'm factoring in pubs, clubs, events, talks, netball)–I've got so many good things next term that exams physically can't consume
6) exercise (yes mum! We know!), walk around the block, or do some yoga–especially exercise in the morning to set up well for revision!
7) rant to other people, but avoid them when they make u stressed
8) take time off (my tutor drilled this into me when I turned up to a solo tutorial with a sub-standard essay and a very apologetic speech that I had "burned out" and spent "the past 3 days crying because I'm so tired" (the latter was implicit))–I'm gonna go home, go to my grandparents, take at least one evening off and stay in
9) surround urself with other people–it's great having people who are going through it, but its also great escaping it and living a normal life
10) cafes and cake
11) a nice working space
12) remember a life outside, do other things, don't let it become ur world (because when it disappears its very fucking difficult, see blogposts circa june 2017 for evidence)
13) do nice things for friends
14) timetable, for marginal stress reduction
15) pics of summer and sun
16) avoiding burn out, because we want to peak 9th week not 5th week
17) parks, for revision, for picnics, for headspace
18) letting some things go (for me its gonna be negative food thoughts, becuz they're just a hindrance)
19) treats–I'm thinking tulips, coconut yogurt, berries, new pants, a yoga class, a Frankie magazine–u know!
20) things to look forward to–the first thing I do when I get back to ox is book a fuckin holiday and that will be my drive !
21) drinking wine

So bitches, hopefully we will avoid burnout and achieve enough. Because being enough is enough. And exams aren't a measure of anything really, and education is only one aspect of life, and its just a step onto the next bit.
And let's hold each other accountable. Make sure we are surviving.
Peace!! and take tonight off!!

eternal summer

I cannot stop thinking about summer.
When I'm sat in the library, attempting to centre my mind on the Haitian revolution, or late Antiquity, or understand what these absurdly complicated words mean, I find myself wandering down the sun-drenched streets of an ambiguous European city, eating fresh bread, drinking sweet nectar.
And I blink. Forcing myself back to the words on the page.
"...this concept of culture has been the development of a doctrine of cultural relativism", I feign to read.
But still the hint of summer glow burns inside. And dancing on the pages are fresh alpine lakes and the fading richness of Rivièra maisonettes, and tanned skin and golden hair and hours spent devouring fiction, drunk off the abundance of sun.
I cannot stop thinking about summer.
Endless possibilities and googled flights and penciled dates and vague plans leave me with a summer that could be impossibly busy, or empty and yearning.

Take a second to drink the golden warmth of these pics.
Ah.

there is nothing left to worry about
the sun and her flowers are here
(Rupi Kaur, bit overdone but apt)

This summer I hope for: picnics with friends, days spent drinking and eating into a blissful indulgence, swimming in port meadow, allowing the stress of exams to disappear, days and days and days spent reading and sleeping, eating fresh bread and nectarines for breakfast, listening to foreign tongues, churches, galleries, sunsets, spontaneity, barbecues, English coastlines, Sevillian sun, Italian gelato (except not), Adriatic sea, and just days with friends and days alone and to absorb the orange warmth that summer brings. Maybe I'll volunteer in Greece, maybe I'l float around Italy, maybe we'll actually make it to Spain. Time and money are both limiting (even tho I've been skimping and saving like a bitch for summer) but even looking at the pictures gives me a warmth.

So many of these memories and dreams are idealised, and summer is also filled with exams and stress and the worries of every day life, and I'll have to work (reality check!), but it does feel a little better.
And just the rose tinted hope of such days is enough.

Hope ur all well. Currently sat in the garden in the sun, feeling accidentally quite hungover (questioning why I feel ill then remembering last nights double vodkas), mustering the discipline to cycle to the library.
But just 5 more minutes of sun.

(pics are either from pinterst (see here), cutouts of Frankie magazine or just some photos from holidays gone)

small eco things

My biggest g-o-a-l for 2019 was to be more *eco*.
I've become hyper aware of plastic–I'll be in the bath and all I can see is the amount of plastic that surrounds me. Or in a bar and everyone's using plastic cups and plastic straws and all i can think is 'this shit isn't going to go anywhere'.
Oh man, being in Tesco is the worst.
I've taken a few easy (and probably, on the scale of human destruction, relatively ineffective) steps to try and cut it out, and hey maybe my single actions won't do that much, but at least I'm doing something.
Plus these products are actually generally better for us because who knew, plastic is actually quite toxic.
I'm still on the look out for more alternatives and there are still so so many things I could do to limit my damage on the world (i.e. cut down on chewing gum consumption) and be more conscious, but this is a start. And we have got to start.

Shampoo bar
I mean I never really know what to say when I write these. Other than these r gd. I haven't used this specific one before, however my mum bought me a green one for Christmas and it left ugly green slime all over my shower. So I figured this might be a better bet. Shampoo bars are great because no plastic, nd (despite my preconceptions) they actually do the job!

Conditioner bar
My mum posted this to me a few months ago and I'm yet to use it. But I'm hoping for good things. And its got even less packaging, wowee. My only question with these bars is its transportability. I don't want them to sit in a sludge in my shower. I think the lush metal tins could be the answer to such a conundrum, however its all experimentation.

Period pants
My mum was on an eco hype at Christmas. We were inundated with eco alternatives–and these were one such example. I'm not fully fully converted, purely because of the washing issue (I don't do enough washing at uni to use them for a full period) but they are super hassle free (u just rinse until all the blood has gone then wash 'em) and so comfy and liberating to just wear a pair of pants and nothing else. Well, trousers. But u know. So, whilst I think I need a little more practice, these are a winner. Especially if diva cups freak you out (thats me).

Cotton pads
Whilst I have been deliberating and testing out the pants, these have provided an eco alternative. Also a very healthy and necessary alternative. Lets be real–bleached, synthetic pads and tampons are not good for your vagina and, environment aside, we should all be using more natural stuff. These are 100% cotton and biodegradable (inc. all the packaging) which is ace for days when period pants just are not an option (or when I haven't done any washing in 3 weeks lmao). They are pretty spenny (like £3 for 10) and so deffs not viable for everyone but a) I think if you can you should, b) if we don't show there's a consumer desire they won't reduce in price (capitalism y'all!) and c) the above pants, whilst are expensive for the first purchase (£15ish), are (almost) entirely cost free after that.

Keep cup
I'm such a keep cup knob in the library but boy do I love it. It means I can procrastinate by making a coffee, get money off and just feel way more put together than I actually am (not when its sat unwashed in my bag for 4 days yum). But slowly the world is coming to realise single-use coffee cups r just not the one. It's a small change, but undeniably easy.

Bamboo toothbrush
I think this might be my fave. A plastic toothbrush takes 400 years to decompose. And u don't even think about it. My mum has tried many a bamboo toothbrush (lol) and I can vouch that these are like actual toothbrushes, they just feel normal but also natural. Get one!!! (they can vary so much, the best ones we've found are 'banaboo' but i can't find them anywhere online fml)

Obvs these things won't change the world. But if everyone takes small steps, like these, it might actually make some difference. There are still so many things I do which are detrimental nd I'm still hunting for alternatives, but we're slowly beginning to see.

happy (and a bit sad)

Its 2 weeks since I last wrote and wowee has a lot happened. I spent a week crying solidly, being hugged by my friends, eating pancakes, crying a bit more, adoring history, and wanting to go home. I've also come home, had the happiest 4 days, slept, binge watched flea bag, made exciting plans, missed my dear friends, hugged my cat, ran, cooked, eaten, written, avoided work, drank gin, seen George Ezra (guilty pleasure ok), loved my mum and booked a lot of train tickets.
It's been quite a whirlwind.

I think I exposed some of my vulnerabilities to my friends for the first time. I mean I didn't have much option, because I just couldn't! stop! crying! but they were ace, and its the dream for people to love you even when your eyes are red and snot is running down your nose and you crumple in a heap on their floor.
I'm not quite sure what happened. I think I was just too exhausted and had too much work and I was (am?) going through a rough patch with self-worth and fuck man it just culminated. It wasn't sadness, or blueness. Just unsettled, on-edge tears.

But that wasn't the point of this writing.
The point was: happiness.
Because fuck! These past few days have been blissfully happy and I just carry on waking up thinking "I feel nothing!" (its usually: oh shit, I need to worry about that) and "I'm so excited for today", to waste my days doing whatever I want. Its just been euphoric to read and sleep and walk and be alone and drink coffee and binge watch trash and listen to George Ezra on repeat (seeing him rekindled my love nd I adore his aesthetic nd just general aura).
I've got an extensive 'easter vac fun' list. A key one is: write in my journal every day.
I feel remarkably out of touch with my emotions and, this vac we r on a mission to love ourselves, bitches.
Last term was spent with too many destructive thoughts nd nights drunkenly crying and tbh just days crying.
Which is weird bcuz it was a really good term. But I couldn't stop being invaded with destructive self hatred which led to hurting people I adore.
These thoughts need to stop, because I don't much like the me I am when I'm drunk and insecure and angry at myself and bits that can't change.
SO. Daily I'm writing to try and find something. Or at least to write a list of the good bits. So when I am drunk and insecure and angry, I can remember that I am not alone. Or worthless.

What else is on the list?
See my friends, in London, in Manchester, read (I treated myself to Everything I know about Love and Conversations with Friends today), blog, write, send letters, run, see some art, watch the new series of Jane the Virgin and remember I am enough and the world is okay!
Anything else?? I think that's it!
(i also promise PROMISE my next post is actually putting something good out into the world rather than narcissistic privilege !)
(also listen to budapest just to take u back, bc u know it will)
Peace!! Don't forget to cry! And laugh too!

gratitude

hey bitches.
Today I'm feeling shit. I can't stop crying nd just really wanna go home.
But its okay because I don't feel like this often, and I've learned that such days and toughness and tears are sort of a cyclical release.

After having suppressed tears through the entirety of a Tesco trip, bought myself a mango, nd cried in bed and on the phone to my mum and did some yoga, I composed a gratitude list.
Because life is generally great and these days are hard but they don't last for ever. And even in the moments when I just want to sleep or cry with my cat, there are still  beautiful things. Like the view out of the window, or the sun, or the silence.
So a gratitude list.
The sun.
Golden hour.
The quietness of Oxford.
A completed essay.
Laughing.
My friend Vassia.
Pubs.
A mum who listens and soothes.
Fresh sheets
Nice cereal.
Interesting talks.
Quiet libraries.
Silhouetted trees.
Coffee.
Post cards.
Picnics.
Early mornings, working.
This feeling. Emotions are important.

It's the next day. Still feeling a bit weird, but I'm going to hide away in a library a try and avoid people for a while because I think that's what I need.
Hope ur all okay! And not being as emotional fragile as me! Tears are good, right?!

loving

I'm not sure about my last post. But I need it up there to remind me how I was feeling. That's the purpose of this, for me at least. A perpetual reminder of how life was and how I was feeling and an indicator of growth and richness and sadness and progress.

Alas, here's just some things I've liked recently, or thought about a lot.
I'm obsessing over 2 specific Monet paintings. Soleil Levant and this one. Those colours man. If I were to die tomorrow, I'd like to do so in the south of France. Somewhere near the sea, in the sun, with a gentle breeze, tucked away from the madness of life. I'm scared of death, but thought of dying somewhere so perfect offers a warm comfort.
Wow!
I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. My brain gets tired from thinking some times. The 2 hot topics of this week have been: what the history of the body can reveal about the relationship between gender and biological difference, and whether society needs religion. The first was an essay, the second the motion of this weeks rum nd rights. I seem to spend a lot of time thinking and discussing what gender is. It is definitely a social construct, but I think its relationship with bodily difference is complex. There definitely is a relationship, but I think maybe its more to do with the manipulation and exploitation of anatomical difference, for political advancement, cultural representation, demographic gain, rather than inherent biological difference.

The second question, I am undecided. All the points I made and thoughts that came to mind appeared to suggest we do, but I don't know if that's what I actually think. All I've concluded so far is: the concept of religion in a modern society needs to be reconsidered, nd white straight men have such a way of speaking. Privilege, innit.

The inherently problematic nature of history has also been prominent in my thoughts, but I think maybe this is still too complex to fully process, because its sort of questioning everything. Validity, euro-centric domination, bias–fundamentally, can we ever actually know? (no) (but that's quite interesting).

The playlist to work this term has been sheku-kanneh mason. Listen to deep river. Fuck me. I'm properly into classical music atm nd when its good it makes me wanna cry a bit lol.
I've definitely not been sleeping enough, but that's not something I've loved.
I've also been consuming so much dried mango, having peng breakfasts because my mum brought me so many treats when she came to visit, drinking a lot of coffee and probs eating too much chocolate.

Uhm yeah. I'm loving my friends a lot (esp. one's that forgive u when ur a dick), and this night off because I accidentally handed my essay in a day early (woo for reading emails wrong), feel I deserve it nd am actually just fucking tired.

Hope u are all sweet. Stay that way! What have u been looooving?

sunday

Its a sunday night and I finally have time to write. Fuck, life is so busy nd good nd stressful, and every day feels like the most intense and vivid lifetime in the space of 24 hours. Every day I experience so many emotions and thoughts and wow its tiring. But amazing. But tiring.
I have so much to write about and think about, but now I have the space and the time its not coming.

Since I last wrote I have:
Started a French course (because I don't have enough work!), got drunk, danced a lot, ran a bit, marvelled at the beauty of this city, in the sun, in the snow, in the rain, seen a lot of sunsets, tanned very badly, laughed endlessly, drunkenly cried, had the most sensational ball, not slept enough, drank too much coffee, had a formal dinner, been to some interesting talks, stressed a lot, missed my cat, missed my mum, bought daffodils, been on a crew date, eaten a lot of chocolate, done a yoga class, loved my friends a lot, hated myself a bit, and spent endless hours in the library reading.
Its been amazing and exhausting, and I think that sums up this city. The hours spent with friends, evenings laughing and debating, or at the pub, or in a sunny spot in the library, or drinking tea, they're so sweet. I just need to balance those epochs of euphoria with the spiralling thoughts. The days feel so long and intense and varied, these moments sort of get forgotten with the trudge of reading and washing and cooking, and living u know. I need to challenge this.
There are some other actual things I want to talk about, so I can stop thinking about them.
I sometime wonder what's too much, u know. What should be etched on paper, not on the internet. Probably most of it.
Alas.
Self-worth. This induced the hysterical tears at 3am, drunkenly storming ahead on the way home. Dramatic nd rum-influenced, but also sort of true. I think its an amalgamation of romantic disaffection and aesthetic discomfort and endlessly (irrationally) questioning whether my friends actually like me and then being a dick because of said insecurity but feeling worse. Wow! And everyone around my is in love or loved or at least liked and I'm enough on my own, but also am I. What about me!?
I also feel fu-ck-in stupid nd am invaded with imposter syndrome, which probably doesn't aid this lack of worth. Last term I didn't care, fuck it! I'm here! But, something about this term, is different. I am working so hard but also so behind and don't understand a lot of what I read nd some of the conversations and references and discussions we have I'm just. stumped. There is a fundamental discussion that needs to be had about access after acceptance. Yes, outreach is getting better nd yes these equal opportunities are great, but fuck, how can a special-measures-inner-city-northern-comp-with-below-average-results compare to Westminster, or the grammar schools that everyone seems to have come from. It can't. But, as always, we've just got to run 10x further. And feel perpetually disaffected.

 I've been battling with control a lot recently. My thoughts and brain dumps are generally somewhat flippant and hyperbolised, but this is a consuming anxiety. A perpetual need to be in control of every faucet of my day. Of the precise time spent working, of the food consumed, the food cooked, the money spent, the routine, exercise done, the plans organised. Not managing these mundane aspects makes me feel on edge and, well, out of control. This deffs isn't a good thing. Hmm.
But, alas. Things are good. Just a bit headsy, and not many places to dump the thoughts.
I have a week of madness coming up. Feminist fun nd friends and birthdays and 2 essays and my parents visiting, but I need to fit in a run and sleep and some time alone, because I don't get enough of that.
Hope u are all well. Stay sweet!!!