life stuff

Apologies that all these posts are just boring documentations of my more boring life-I wanna do a journal update but I need energy and I ain't got much of that.

Life.

 Here's a brain storm.
The most dominating feature of this has been the future. I am suppressing the thoughts because I am terrified and don't exist in any future and don't want to leave security or grow up or be an adult. I am regretting not applying to uni but then again know I wouldn't be able to cope if I went in September. This thought has been strategically buried this past week and I hope to leave it there.

Trump and History.

Everything he has done, and we are on day 8, I cry in fear. The progress and movement and empowerment, lost in a patriarchal signature. I maybe have some hope, the people are strong and have a voice, but from my desk in the middle of the UK, I feel helpless. The most repulsively ironic aspect of this sickening thing is the signing of his Immigration ban on HOLOCAUST MEMORIAL DAY. The day in which we remember the 6 (12) million who were systematically murdered for their religion (race, ability, sexuality...) and, with the flick of his grotesque pen, he is moving a step closer. And Theresa May, you weak, Trump-loving appeaser. Remember, you are 100% un-elected. I am disgusted to have you leading our country and 'speaking' our 'British values'.
#TheresatheAppeaser is trending on Twitter and its terrifyingly accurate and is foreshadowing a much darker future. Just remember what weak old Nev did with his piece of paper.

History wise, it has encouraged the epiphany of History. That sounds revolutionary, its not. I just worked out part of why I love it so much. Its the certainty. I know that Germany spent the first half of the 20th century (or more) in total turmoil but that it is now the most powerful country in Europe. It would have felt never ending in the repression of the Nazi period or the chaos of the division but its just a timeline now, a story that I know the end of. But this, Brexit and Trump and the climate, its now. I don't know how it will end. I think that's why I like it.

Dancing.
I spent 7 hours dancing this weekend. (which is actually a lie bc I wrote this last weekend. Instead dancing until 4am, I ate dough balls and watched Angus, thongs and perfect snogging with ma pals, reliving the 2008 mems). In heels, until 4am. It is, by far, the most enjoyable exercise. The weekend was passed in taxis, on the dance floor, with friends, in bars and next to speakers that left my ears ringing for 3 days. It was captured in pictures in bathroom mirrors, the constant headache and bruises invading my chin, shins and feet (from dancing in a compact room, not a fight lol). I lost my inhibitions, did no school work, got 3 hours sleep and am proud of the release.

Its a slow Sunday morning, my room is a tip, I've got mountains of coursework to battle through. I am thinking too much about the future, not just my gap year but when I am old, old. It is pointless because what is it going to achieve? I am hoping next year to do some writing, maybe make a zine, or write for one at least. I am terrified of the apparent emptiness and lack-of-focus but it'll be okay when it happens.

***

11/01/17

The tears are relentless.
"I am at the end of the world"
And I know when I wake tomorrow, it won't feel that way,
but now I am trapped.
In failure.
In fear.
In discomfort.
In expectation.
In disappointment.
I am not invincible.

***

There are good things. I got a cat and she sits by my feet and watches me work and it breaks my heart. I bought the season's first of mini eggs today and I've been loving the new series of Sherlock.
I am simply exhausted, through fear and exams.
I hope it feels better tomorrow.

Grounding

To break through the overwhelming and saddening reflections on the whirlwind of this past year, here is a grounding excerpt to remind of our blessing.

"Although by most measures this has been a terrible year,
it is a terrible year in a spectacular world.
For us to be here, together, now,
it is a privilege"

I have been repeating it to myself as a mantra. Its origin is unknown but it rationalises the reflections.
To two thousand and seventeen.

Calm

It is late evening on Boxing day. The fire is tickling away in the hearth and there is the soft hum of contented breathing as we slow our festive pace.
My head feels a little less content. I am fearful of tomorrow because it means real life, something these past three days have been an escape from. It means revision I don't want to do for exams I dread to sit for a future I don't want to happen.
Tomorrow morning I have to get up, put on clothes and do real things. I have to go into town and I have to laboriously write history notes and I have to tidy my room and get out of this fantasy of lethargic warmth I have been entranced by.
In my head, it means the end of total relaxation until the twenty-fourth of December, two thousand and seventeen.
Don't the dates look intimidating when written in that protracted fashion.
I can't allow myself to do nothing on any other day than the joyous festive period.
That's probably something I need to work on.

Here's three simple questions with three(?) simple answers.
Leave your answers too.

Something that makes you sad
Seeing the weighted bags under my beloved mother's eyes as she tries harder and harder to repel the demons that trick her mind
The way I don't allow my aching body time to rest, unless it is officially identified by an over commercialised, anonymous holiday
The end of cranberry sauce for another year

Something that makes you smile
My luck, privilege and fortune, the freedom and peace of an illuminated morning sky
New sweatshirts

Something you wish to achieve
More calm and more zen in my overdriving mind
An acceptance with who and what I am without the need to push harder and harder
Confidence about the future

*the questions came from here
**the pic above is the view I woke up to on Christmas day. I know.

Festive Decs

In between the MADNESS of the past few weeks, I have been trying to get festive. The main element of that was these super super adorable decorations I made. We have a massive branch in our backroom that has fairy lights woven through it and lil birds hanging off it and these clay emblems look great.
They were inspired by The Lovely Drawer.

SO here's how:
I used:
Das clay (it looks grey but dries white I promise)
Cookie letter imprints (I ordered these from Amazon, super cheap and work a dream, but keep them in a zip lock bag bc there are loads of small pieces)
Round cookie cutters
Rolling pin
Red twine

All I did was roll and cut out the clay, imprint the letters (it takes a lotta practise), make a hole and leave them to dry.
There are many lil tricks that make them look neater, most of which I haven't mastered but I think you have to press the letters a lot harder than you think and the smoother the clay the better.

I've hung some on the tree but also posted some to friends-I'm thinking of making labels for my presents out of them too-the possibilities are endless.

GAhhd, I'm feeling so festive-can't wait to get school over so I can read my book and watch Christmas films and wear my pjs all day.
Christmas holidays are always the busiest, with the actual day, the preparation, seeing family and revision (ew) but I'm trying my hardest to breathe.

enough

bruised bones, curled on a chair,
tapping relentlessly, senselessly,
battling the padded wall of doubt
to get my thoughts into words.

my mind, ripped in two
aching to drift across the sea to a foreign land
to discover the remedy that ignites the
dulling fire in my belly

but also anchored, grounded in fear
the paralysing fear of failure,
whispering a repulsive slur of
patriarchal stagnation soothingly into my ear

you are not enough
you will never be enough
and my mind dotingly laps it up


***
(the bruises are metaphorical for stress idk)

Too many thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts at the moment. They have little relevance or significance but that doesn't matter, I need to get something out there.

source

There is a fly sporadically chasing my window pane, silhouetted against the greying sky-its occasional buzzing is agitating and doesn't aid my feeling of peace.

I am terrified of the future and at the moment, that future seems to be looming pretty near. In every scenario where I've needed to explain myself, I've used this to justify my fears:
I can't imagine myself in any other life/position than I am in now.
They furrow their brow, scowl-'get over it' is the message I hear silently slip their lips.
But let me explain.
When I was four, I imagined myself in primary school. I knew what the next 7 years would entail.
When I was eleven, I imagined myself in secondary school. I, again, knew what my (near) future would look like.
When I was sixteen, I saw a bridge with towering railings of security and an abyss of emptiness at the end, but I didn't focus on the abyss.
But now, I don't know what I'll be doing in a year or ten. I can't imagine myself at uni or away from home or without my friends or in another country or any age other than seventeen.
And this thought terrifies me because it feels like this is the end of my life.
Of course, that is metaphorical.
I know it is not.
But I can't imagine a life beyond school and friends and home because I don't know what the rest holds. Those who are intending to go to uni in September, while it'll be new and challenging and scary, they know what they are doing for the  next 3 years.
And I don't and that's hella fucking scary.
And this is consuming 90% of my thoughts at the moment, I can't stop thinking what next, what next. What exists beyond this life I know? What purpose can I devour all of my energy into to escape the emptiness that exists beyond?

And, I think I am losing myself again. I am fearful of the upcoming weekend because it is empty. Unscheduled time is the reason I obsess so much over my school work, because its 'necessary', because I don't have to think about doing it, because I can't remember what I do for fun or fulfilment and enjoyment. And I partly blame the education system for zapping any ounce of independent creativity out of me but I also blame myself for losing my identity in insignificant letters.
I work so hard at school, partly because I can't deal with the fear of failure, but also because I don't have to think and I can disappear.

The effin fly has come back.

So, this weekend I'm going to try. I'm filling my time the best I can, not with school work, but hopefully with things I want to do.
I'm buying my friends birthday present, and searching for a top for a party in a few weeks, and preparing gift boxes for the homeless, and posters for this tampon campaign we are doing at school**, and battling through essays and babysitting and reorganising my room decoration and watching Fantastic Beasts for the second time (the last one was a midnight viewing-fab but regretted when I got in at 3am then up at 7 for school) and reading and maybe journalling and-oh man that sounds like a lot.
But, I'll do it all so frantically fast, worrying about getting it done that it won't be with enjoyment.
I'll breathe, slow myself and try not to think of the future.

The fly has got inside my lampshade now, I ought to rescue it.

**basically, my friend and I have been doing research into the HomelessPeriod so are collecting tampons nd pads at school to donate to women's shelters and foodbanks. School seem game so we need to get cracking.

Questions that I want answers to

Long time no see, eh?
I have had many thoughts and emotions about the past weeks political developments. I want answers, I'm not American but these changes shape and affect the world we all live in and our future.

1. Does Democracy actually work? Does it need to be reinvented to fit our post-modern society?
2. Is Trump the final product of a free market, capitalist, globalised, commercialised society?
3. What next?
4. How has the establishment, twice in one year, misread the desires of the people to such a degree that totally unprecedented, unprepared changes hit them in the face?
5. Would the UK have chosen Brexit if this had happened prior? We now stand alone and isolated, surely Cameron could have timed it all better?
6. How can/why do people support a misogynistic, xenophobic, racist, repulsive, demeaning person and put trust in them to lead 'the Free World'?
7. What can we do in the rise of the Far Right? France, Netherlands and Germany all have elections in the next 12 months and the Right are gaining massive support.
8. Will it be as bad as we think?

I am studying the role of the perpetrators in the Holocaust for my history coursework and looking at different interpretations. One, Daniel Goldhagen, suggests that Germany was wrought with a 'different kind of anti-Semitism', the people genuinely believed in what they were doing. Does this have relevance to point 6?
And don't get me started on Nigel Farage.