vulnerability

Life is fucking weird. I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of self-discovery, definitely not willingly nor intentionally, nd its a bit bleurgh.
I read this blogpost and she talked about the "figuring it out" stage of your life and fuck am I going through that except I'm not figuring anything out. Everything is just one massive "what am I doing? Is this right? Help! I don't wanna grow up!"and I think my brain is going to explode.
Figuring out. Figuring out what? How to exist as an independent human? How to not ring my mum crying or need to fill every breathing second of my day just so my mind doesnt combust? How to not skip lunch or eat only cereal or spend all my money or panic irrationally? How to claim back tax or how I set up a bank account???

(i live in a very beautiful place. one day ill take some pics to document it for when im away from home)

Anyway. One of these uncomfortable realisations was exposed in the car with my mum when, after I'd proposed a topic about trauma and its impacts, she announced:
"you are a very closed person" and I thought shit. I am.

I am terrified of exposing any vulnerability that could lead to pain. I am terrified of openness, of wearing my heart on my sleeve, of expressing how I feel, of letting someone get close.
I have this permanent shield of armour. It is impenetrable.
Maybe its a fear of trust, but my trust has never been betrayed.
But as soon as anyone has an opportunity to get close or show vulnerability my brain thinks "fuck" and shuts down.
For real.
Some part of my brain always tells me: their story is more important. You don't have a voice. You're words are worthless. So I don't say them.

Back in my Sherlock obsessed days (lol) I vividly memorised this quote:
"Alone is what I have. Alone protects me"
and I totally get that.
Its kind of like "okay. We exist as this sole unit. We can survive this because no one else can hurt us". Its weird man. Its also very shit. Because, apart from a very select few (we are talking 3 people, and even they only know bits), I never tell anyone anything. Which means it builds up and up and up in my brain nd then the emotional crisis of last week occurs. But its like I have all this stuff in my head where do I EVEN begin.  It also creates a sort of invisible boundary between me and those I love (esp. my friends) because they know so little? Not what's going on or how I am feeling or what I need which perpetuates the problem because it then can't be solved.

This has then made me think a lot about relationships and love and why I've never really experienced either. Because the idea of emotional intimacy = vulnerability = potential to be hurt. I feel safest alone because only I have to deal with it all but also obvs don't want to be alone because love???? I have a lot of emotional unpacking that needs to be done surrounding this topic. Why its something I crave but am also terrified of. Why I am repelled by commitment. Why the idea of 'settling down' makes me feel sick. I NEED TO TALK ABOUT these things to understand them but then I can't because of the above???? Sometimes thoughts are so much easier to understand when they're written down. But that topic requires too much vulnerability and we've established I'm not good at that.

wow. Who knew. This might come as a surprise because I relentlessly existentialise on here but ask me to say this in person and I'd burst into tears. Although, I don't cry in public. Because vulnerability. 

In other news, I have: passed my driving test (woo!), cried 5 days out of 7 (something I haven't done for months), felt weird that a whole year has passed since I left school, got very very worked up about a totally irrational event, felt totally humiliated by my drunken antics and wanted to die in a hole of embarrassment (oh fuck), spent an extortionate amount on a night out, worked a lot, felt very excited for my friends to be home, a bit sad that this year is drawing to a close (complicated emotions) and got very stressed about the 'could have beens'. AH well.
I now really, really need to go to sleep. I got in at 4 this morning then went to work for 10. Nice.
please PLEASE tell me any advice you have for challenging my closed-ness because its gonna make relationships actually quite fucking difficult nd I don't want that.
thanks for everything u guys.

(the sound track to this writing was Bach Cello suite. No.1– if u want a quiet few minutes to yourself just listen to it and it'll melt everything away)

12 comments

  1. ooo girl, once again i can RELATE! especially with the first half, i just finished my first year of school and its making the future scary as Fuck. i still haven't declared a major or have the slightest clue as to what i truly want to do. of course that also led to multiple phone calls to my mom during school year crying to her bc i don't wanna disappoint her if i don't become a doctor, lawyer, or some shit like that. idk! i wish i knew what i want, mayb we'll find it soon. HOPEFULLY. anyways, i used to be the same way towards relationships. i think i watched (500) days of summer too much bc i was DEEPY afraid of all intimacy. im a daughter of divorce parents n figured nothing good could come from love. BUT, there was one a boy. yes an idiot, but aren't all boys? what im trying to say is that when the one comes u'll feel comfortable enough to take that risk. it'll still be as scary, but the happiness that comes with it over shines it. these are all thoughts in ur head destined to freak u out more, but trust me. when the right person comes along u'll Kno n it'll finally start to make sense

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    1. I hope so because not knowing what u want but being at such a crossroads-point in ur life is so confusing and pressurising??! I totally feel that 'deeply afraid' of intimacy thang, totally makes sense where u got your cynical attitude to love though. YEAH I'm hoping for that but still have that 'ahh but i gotta get to that stage of being able to see that i can open up' which requires a jump do you get me hahaha. HOPING IT HAPPENS also YES all boys are idiots thats for sure. We'll figure this all out one day gal x

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  2. First of all, congrats on your driving test! But more on the vulnerability stuff, I get it. I shield myself way too much, honestly unintentionally. I don't even realise that I haven't told anyone anything until suddenly I'm like hang on, I know so much about them but they know NOTHING about me. It's weird! x

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    1. THANK you! YES! I totally get that, I have heard all about the ins and outs of someones life and I'm like they have no idea the exact same thing has happened to me? It sure is weird, I think maybe we need to learn to value our own voice and experience more?? easier said than done though... xo

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  3. I completely relate Katie, I feel like we are so similar we could just help each other deal with our mental struggles!! I've never been in a relationship or even been that intimate with people because I'm terrified, even tho I can write all day long about my thoughts on my blog, when it comes down to actually saying how I feel, I'm only ever truthful to my Mum. It's as if I have to be strong to everyone else??? even tho I know I don't my mind just won't let me open up. Hmmmm, how can we change this?!! Congrats on passing your driving test!! Try not to dwell too much on the past and just get excited for the summer you have in front of you, make the most of these few months!!x

    Lucy Jane | Infinity of Fashion

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    1. aH YES LUCY I'm so so so relieved someone else experiences this hahaha. We for sure should help each other, maybe we wouldn't end up in such states!? What are you terrified about?? For me I think its definitely being hurt, it just feels safer to be alone? YEAH! I only tell my mum everything hahaha, thank god for mums am I right?? Seriously though, If you ever wanna blurt it all out in a terrified/manic/closed way, I'm here! Thank you and ahh yes, its gonna be good xo

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  4. I'm in the 'figuring it out' stage as well and it sucks! For me, I just don't know what to do with myself -I feel like I'm not good enough to pursue my dreams and want to try so many new things but have no idea how to go about it all! I completely understand everything you've written and I guess it's nice to know that others are going through the same stage!
    Hollie xx
    https://holliemaywells.blogspot.co.uk/

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    1. for real thats totally how I feel but like, does this figuring it out stage ever end?!!!x

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  5. I am aggressively avoiding the figuring out stage, I don't know man, seems like there are too many things to figure out so I'm not sure where to begin and I'm getting nervous just even thinking about taking a dive into what needs to be figured out. I feel u on a lot of things that you said, but I think relationships are so weird like they are such a ride you just got to go on at times because bitch remember what Matt Haig said somewhere in the humans how the pain of love is worth the hurt well yah that!! Well done on passing ur driving test, beep beep come to London x

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    1. arent we all, gal???? That is so true, I think Matt Haig is a v wise man and I should probably listen to his life advice...right now the pain totally does not seem worth it but fingers crossed one day it will. OH FOR SURE x

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  6. This post is a big mood haha. Congrats on passing your driving test, and just allowing all of these feelings of vulnerability, ambivalence, happiness, sadness and literally EVERYTHING just pass and fade. With regards to close-mindedness (in romantic relationships? or otherwise) I would say that you have to compromise by opening (or rather force lol) yourself up to try new things, to embrace the impermanence of feelings, of literally EVERYTHING! You're a strong human being - allow yourself to take plunges and have fun, go seek happy days, happy nights (think that was a quote I saw on Tumblr lmao). Ahh, just thinking about all your blog posts, it sounds like it's been such a whirlwind of a year, but with positives that outweigh the negatives by a disproportionate amount!! Good luck with everything b, and enjoy the rest of your summer!! <3 <3 <3

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    1. I think you're right, I guess its making those first steps that are a challenge tho?? and the when you see you haven't died as a result its easier to push through??? idkk I'm trying to learn to accept emotions rather than fight them but then my head gets into a cycle of "but then maybe I'm making myself stay feeling like this nd then ill never feel better??". Hahah tumblr quotes r the one, legit live my life by them. THANK YOU for telling me that, needed someone to remind me that it has actually been good and worth it lol. And you Zoe <3333

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Katie