Too many thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts at the moment. They have little relevance or significance but that doesn't matter, I need to get something out there.


There is a fly sporadically chasing my window pane, silhouetted against the greying sky-its occasional buzzing is agitating and doesn't aid my feeling of peace.

I am terrified of the future and at the moment, that future seems to be looming pretty near. In every scenario where I've needed to explain myself, I've used this to justify my fears:
I can't imagine myself in any other life/position than I am in now.
They furrow their brow, scowl-'get over it' is the message I hear silently slip their lips.
But let me explain.
When I was four, I imagined myself in primary school. I knew what the next 7 years would entail.
When I was eleven, I imagined myself in secondary school. I, again, knew what my (near) future would look like.
When I was sixteen, I saw a bridge with towering railings of security and an abyss of emptiness at the end, but I didn't focus on the abyss.
But now, I don't know what I'll be doing in a year or ten. I can't imagine myself at uni or away from home or without my friends or in another country or any age other than seventeen.
And this thought terrifies me because it feels like this is the end of my life.
Of course, that is metaphorical.
I know it is not.
But I can't imagine a life beyond school and friends and home because I don't know what the rest holds. Those who are intending to go to uni in September, while it'll be new and challenging and scary, they know what they are doing for the  next 3 years.
And I don't and that's hella fucking scary.
And this is consuming 90% of my thoughts at the moment, I can't stop thinking what next, what next. What exists beyond this life I know? What purpose can I devour all of my energy into to escape the emptiness that exists beyond?

And, I think I am losing myself again. I am fearful of the upcoming weekend because it is empty. Unscheduled time is the reason I obsess so much over my school work, because its 'necessary', because I don't have to think about doing it, because I can't remember what I do for fun or fulfilment and enjoyment. And I partly blame the education system for zapping any ounce of independent creativity out of me but I also blame myself for losing my identity in insignificant letters.
I work so hard at school, partly because I can't deal with the fear of failure, but also because I don't have to think and I can disappear.

The effin fly has come back.

So, this weekend I'm going to try. I'm filling my time the best I can, not with school work, but hopefully with things I want to do.
I'm buying my friends birthday present, and searching for a top for a party in a few weeks, and preparing gift boxes for the homeless, and posters for this tampon campaign we are doing at school**, and battling through essays and babysitting and reorganising my room decoration and watching Fantastic Beasts for the second time (the last one was a midnight viewing-fab but regretted when I got in at 3am then up at 7 for school) and reading and maybe journalling and-oh man that sounds like a lot.
But, I'll do it all so frantically fast, worrying about getting it done that it won't be with enjoyment.
I'll breathe, slow myself and try not to think of the future.

The fly has got inside my lampshade now, I ought to rescue it.

**basically, my friend and I have been doing research into the HomelessPeriod so are collecting tampons nd pads at school to donate to women's shelters and foodbanks. School seem game so we need to get cracking.

Questions that I want answers to

Long time no see, eh?
I have had many thoughts and emotions about the past weeks political developments. I want answers, I'm not American but these changes shape and affect the world we all live in and our future.

1. Does Democracy actually work? Does it need to be reinvented to fit our post-modern society?
2. Is Trump the final product of a free market, capitalist, globalised, commercialised society?
3. What next?
4. How has the establishment, twice in one year, misread the desires of the people to such a degree that totally unprecedented, unprepared changes hit them in the face?
5. Would the UK have chosen Brexit if this had happened prior? We now stand alone and isolated, surely Cameron could have timed it all better?
6. How can/why do people support a misogynistic, xenophobic, racist, repulsive, demeaning person and put trust in them to lead 'the Free World'?
7. What can we do in the rise of the Far Right? France, Netherlands and Germany all have elections in the next 12 months and the Right are gaining massive support.
8. Will it be as bad as we think?

I am studying the role of the perpetrators in the Holocaust for my history coursework and looking at different interpretations. One, Daniel Goldhagen, suggests that Germany was wrought with a 'different kind of anti-Semitism', the people genuinely believed in what they were doing. Does this have relevance to point 6?
And don't get me started on Nigel Farage.