buda baby

I have a very happy sadness this evening. The kind of sadness that originates from fun weekends and the realisation of work tomorrow and 36 hours with no sleep and photos and best friends.
I re-visited Budapest for the weekend with my gal pals as a homage to our infamous weekend there last year as part of our European interrail trip. Suffice to say this years trip lived up to expectations.

these are mostly pics of buildings. i didnt think my friends would appreciate being plastered across the internet u know. 

Things I adore about Buda:
the architecture (everything looks like fell straight out a wes anderson film), the yellow trams, its setting on the Danube surrounded by mountains, how grand everything is, the vintage aesthetic (nothing has changed in 50 years), the nights out, the ruin bars, the cheap beer, the sun, the history, the identity, the tradition, the eastern feel, the dramatic and extra feel to everything. Its just one of my favourite places. 
There's also some things I really don't love (their politics, the repulsively misogynist attitudes of most men we encountered) but for 3 days it was magical. 
The trip doesnt really translate onto paper but here's some substandard pics and a list to remember how much I enjoyed the 3 days and how much I fuckin love the city. 

Best bits:
eating pasta in our apartment 
pre-ing off vodka that marketed itself as 'budget' and wine that cost £1.95
gellert baths
szimpla kert
falafel wraps 
morning walks
my friends 
dancing to house remixes of adele
red pull and bear dress
the carnage of the last night/morning
st stephen's basilica 
ruin bar 
the heat of the first day
moscow mules

Perhaps the weekend was less centred around the city as last time but just as magical. The final night was hilariously horrific (no sleep, 4 smashed friends, 4 sober friends, a messy apartment, unpacked suitcases, 3 am taxi, bright idea of clubbing, a tragically long journey home) and we all passed out as soon as we boarded the plane. Worth it for the laughs I fink.
So yeah. Tonight I feel sad because tomorrow is a shock back to reality. I've had a week of no sleep and nights out (sorry body). The weekend felt too short and as though it didnt really happen. I miss my friends. I wish we were continuing our adventure around Europe. As always my mind questions whether I'll ever do something that enjoyable again. Obvs this is bullshit. 
But it was so fun and felt so safe and comfortable. 
SO now I cry because its over (lmao get a grip) and because I've got work tomorrow but also smile because my friends are home alllll summer and more adventures are planned and maybe the change of October is exciting????

If you ever get the chance, go to BUDA!! I adore it and know you will too. For a more in depth account, read this post. 

I'm actually feeling the happiest I have in a long time. It's the heat and sun and friends being home nd things to look forward to and no empty abyss and busy-ness and laughs and memories and I sort of want to cry tonight but I'm really just having a breather in all the madness.
I have 3 months left of my gap year, 2.5 months left of summer fun. Its been a fucking weird year but I am 110% ready to just go for it with these dwindling days. Have as much fun as possible, laugh as much as poss, have as many 'what the fuck' nights as poss, tick off as many things off my list as poss and treasure every second of the freedom. 

the summer list

The gap year is drawing to a close (?!), summer is upon us and I wanna get. shit. done. Life is so exhaustingly but exhilaratingly busy as I navigate my way through June with no days off and nights catching up with friends. It'll be worth it when I get paid though, am I right?
Through the madness and brilliance of friends being home and feeling super happy that I survived the year and just relishing in fun and achievement and future, I need something to hold me accountable. So here it is.

(I'll for sure be adding to this as I think of more ideas when day dreaming at work)

1) read Macbeth
2) make bread
3) try and use my film camera
4) get my hair cut
5) get a killer tan
6) go on day trips now ya gurl can drive (countryside, beach, picnics)
7) sew an actual clothing item
8) see a sunset
9) go to London
10) go to Edinburgh
11) see guilty feminist
12) drink wine in the park (in a classy way tho yeh)
13) have some memorable nights out
14) see Mamma Mia 2
15) read as many books as poss
16) spend days laughing w pals
17) swim in the sea
18) start another journal
19) make mems on my adventures
20) embark on the Oxford reading list
21) make a film to document some of it
22) run (get up to 8k)

Ah,  I've just had a moment of like "I never want this to end". Something about having friends back after a year of rewarding but prominent loneliness (wow complicated emotions) and having so much fun and so many plans and so many laughs already I just...ah please don't end.
This summer is gonna be sick. 4 holidays (which feel even more rewarding because I funded them entirely independently), working which = money, nights out, days out, freedom, minimal responsibilities, an exciting end and just fun.
I hope its good u know.
Keep up with all my summer fun on my insta lol.


A song just came on that transported me to summer 2015 nd it sort of hurt a bit idk. That summer was good. Life felt more stable and secure than it does now. None of this life change shit. Maybe I'd like to go back to being 15 for a while.
Change is weird. I crave change, need it on a regular basis to still find excitement in life. I get bored easily and spontaneity and messed up routines offers spark and fulfilment. But when its a change in a person or a change in something you loved or something you relied on to see you through the hard times
idk man, that's tough.
You realise that nothing is the same as it used to be. It never will be. And you've spent the past 10 months of tears and fatigued fun dreaming of the relax to normality. And you understand that that can never happen. People change and I know its a good thing and I know its growth and its empowering for them and imagine if we never changed?? but it also generates a pining homesickness of the past.
Take me back to the good times.
And maybe we'll learn to exist in our new found worlds. We'll find new patterns and new laughs but right now it just feels like a harkening back to the past that isn't really there.

But big change is coming too. Moving away, starting uni, meeting new people, adopting independence, settling back into education after a year out, leaving my jobs and volunteering and the people I've met, losing the routine I spent the year fostering, having to actually look after myself all the time, being hours away from home and no longer in the city that sells vodka trebles for £2.
And this is good and its so exciting and fuck am I ready for friends and company and young people. This year has been lonely (but also very good and fun!) and I've spent a lot of time only own nd its been an experience but I sure am ready to spend less time in my head and do more stuff as a collective.

Change is scary and sad when you see you're no longer as compatible with the people you love. Its sad when you remember your lives used to exist in shared experiences and that is no longer. Its sad when you understand that this is the fundamental trajectory.
But its exciting when you remember this change is coming for you. When you know newness is on the horizon. When you have intangible expectations and thats a good thing.

How do you all feel about change? How do you cope with it? How can you embrace it?

musings #4

Fuck man, its June!
(as always all pics are from pinterest, found here)
I have: tried on a lot of very ugly swimwear, read, partied, baked a lot of cakes, drank a lot gin, cried a few times, ran a lot, burned out, denied myself r&r (must! not! stop!), bought too many pairs of culottes, had an evening picnic on the beach, ate bircher muesli, tried and failed to curb my fruit consumption, enjoyed wine, dreamed of summer picnics w pals, worked an absurd number of hours, had some very good days and some quite bad days, felt nostalgic that this year is coming to an end, adored the sun but felt sad I had to spend so much of it inside, laughed, flirted, documented a lot in my journal, had a sick flute lesson (legit its the most cathartic therapy, for me the hour is the most essential form of weekly self-care), tried to tackle my reading list and sewed a hideous prototype of a dress lmao.

Its Friday. I've spent the day being paid to make cakes. I've got my window open, tunes blasting, and an ethereal golden light streaming through. I am shattered beyond most measures but trying to take advantage of these seconds of peace. This evening has been blissfully mundane, a bath, a run and a peng risotto. Ah, breathe.

Tomorrow I go to Manchester for the night. Mixed feelings.
My friends come home next week. Hype for mint nights out, evenings in, day trips, laughter, familiarity, a long ol' summer. Also ambiguity and stress because we're all gonna b so busy and idkk will shit get organised??? will our schedules align?? (the answer is: everyone else's will because I'm the only fucker who works days) also stress because all the things I wanna do and wanna achieve and places I wanna go but when will I a) fit them in, b) get round to organising them, c) what happens if something is actually happening at home and I don't wanna go???
But, 3 weeks today I'll be basking in Hungarian sunshine and drinking £2 mojitos and gurl I am HYPED.
I also came to the (slightly concerning) realisation that I said yes to so many shifts that I don't have a single day off in June (aside from 2 weekends away) but I think its gonna be okay?? money and busy-ness are both good and this year has taught me the acquired skill of a 7 hour shift after a night out.

SO yeah! I've been busy and a bit sad but also excited and reflective. Nothing new there.
Let me know what you've all been up to!

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