eternal summer

I cannot stop thinking about summer.
When I'm sat in the library, attempting to centre my mind on the Haitian revolution, or late Antiquity, or understand what these absurdly complicated words mean, I find myself wandering down the sun-drenched streets of an ambiguous European city, eating fresh bread, drinking sweet nectar.
And I blink. Forcing myself back to the words on the page.
"...this concept of culture has been the development of a doctrine of cultural relativism", I feign to read.
But still the hint of summer glow burns inside. And dancing on the pages are fresh alpine lakes and the fading richness of Rivièra maisonettes, and tanned skin and golden hair and hours spent devouring fiction, drunk off the abundance of sun.
I cannot stop thinking about summer.
Endless possibilities and googled flights and penciled dates and vague plans leave me with a summer that could be impossibly busy, or empty and yearning.

Take a second to drink the golden warmth of these pics.

there is nothing left to worry about
the sun and her flowers are here
(Rupi Kaur, bit overdone but apt)

This summer I hope for: picnics with friends, days spent drinking and eating into a blissful indulgence, swimming in port meadow, allowing the stress of exams to disappear, days and days and days spent reading and sleeping, eating fresh bread and nectarines for breakfast, listening to foreign tongues, churches, galleries, sunsets, spontaneity, barbecues, English coastlines, Sevillian sun, Italian gelato (except not), Adriatic sea, and just days with friends and days alone and to absorb the orange warmth that summer brings. Maybe I'll volunteer in Greece, maybe I'l float around Italy, maybe we'll actually make it to Spain. Time and money are both limiting (even tho I've been skimping and saving like a bitch for summer) but even looking at the pictures gives me a warmth.

So many of these memories and dreams are idealised, and summer is also filled with exams and stress and the worries of every day life, and I'll have to work (reality check!), but it does feel a little better.
And just the rose tinted hope of such days is enough.

Hope ur all well. Currently sat in the garden in the sun, feeling accidentally quite hungover (questioning why I feel ill then remembering last nights double vodkas), mustering the discipline to cycle to the library.
But just 5 more minutes of sun.

(pics are either from pinterst (see here), cutouts of Frankie magazine or just some photos from holidays gone)

small eco things

My biggest g-o-a-l for 2019 was to be more *eco*.
I've become hyper aware of plastic–I'll be in the bath and all I can see is the amount of plastic that surrounds me. Or in a bar and everyone's using plastic cups and plastic straws and all i can think is 'this shit isn't going to go anywhere'.
Oh man, being in Tesco is the worst.
I've taken a few easy (and probably, on the scale of human destruction, relatively ineffective) steps to try and cut it out, and hey maybe my single actions won't do that much, but at least I'm doing something.
Plus these products are actually generally better for us because who knew, plastic is actually quite toxic.
I'm still on the look out for more alternatives and there are still so so many things I could do to limit my damage on the world (i.e. cut down on chewing gum consumption) and be more conscious, but this is a start. And we have got to start.

Shampoo bar
I mean I never really know what to say when I write these. Other than these r gd. I haven't used this specific one before, however my mum bought me a green one for Christmas and it left ugly green slime all over my shower. So I figured this might be a better bet. Shampoo bars are great because no plastic, nd (despite my preconceptions) they actually do the job!

Conditioner bar
My mum posted this to me a few months ago and I'm yet to use it. But I'm hoping for good things. And its got even less packaging, wowee. My only question with these bars is its transportability. I don't want them to sit in a sludge in my shower. I think the lush metal tins could be the answer to such a conundrum, however its all experimentation.

Period pants
My mum was on an eco hype at Christmas. We were inundated with eco alternatives–and these were one such example. I'm not fully fully converted, purely because of the washing issue (I don't do enough washing at uni to use them for a full period) but they are super hassle free (u just rinse until all the blood has gone then wash 'em) and so comfy and liberating to just wear a pair of pants and nothing else. Well, trousers. But u know. So, whilst I think I need a little more practice, these are a winner. Especially if diva cups freak you out (thats me).

Cotton pads
Whilst I have been deliberating and testing out the pants, these have provided an eco alternative. Also a very healthy and necessary alternative. Lets be real–bleached, synthetic pads and tampons are not good for your vagina and, environment aside, we should all be using more natural stuff. These are 100% cotton and biodegradable (inc. all the packaging) which is ace for days when period pants just are not an option (or when I haven't done any washing in 3 weeks lmao). They are pretty spenny (like £3 for 10) and so deffs not viable for everyone but a) I think if you can you should, b) if we don't show there's a consumer desire they won't reduce in price (capitalism y'all!) and c) the above pants, whilst are expensive for the first purchase (£15ish), are (almost) entirely cost free after that.

Keep cup
I'm such a keep cup knob in the library but boy do I love it. It means I can procrastinate by making a coffee, get money off and just feel way more put together than I actually am (not when its sat unwashed in my bag for 4 days yum). But slowly the world is coming to realise single-use coffee cups r just not the one. It's a small change, but undeniably easy.

Bamboo toothbrush
I think this might be my fave. A plastic toothbrush takes 400 years to decompose. And u don't even think about it. My mum has tried many a bamboo toothbrush (lol) and I can vouch that these are like actual toothbrushes, they just feel normal but also natural. Get one!!! (they can vary so much, the best ones we've found are 'banaboo' but i can't find them anywhere online fml)

Obvs these things won't change the world. But if everyone takes small steps, like these, it might actually make some difference. There are still so many things I do which are detrimental nd I'm still hunting for alternatives, but we're slowly beginning to see.

happy (and a bit sad)

Its 2 weeks since I last wrote and wowee has a lot happened. I spent a week crying solidly, being hugged by my friends, eating pancakes, crying a bit more, adoring history, and wanting to go home. I've also come home, had the happiest 4 days, slept, binge watched flea bag, made exciting plans, missed my dear friends, hugged my cat, ran, cooked, eaten, written, avoided work, drank gin, seen George Ezra (guilty pleasure ok), loved my mum and booked a lot of train tickets.
It's been quite a whirlwind.

I think I exposed some of my vulnerabilities to my friends for the first time. I mean I didn't have much option, because I just couldn't! stop! crying! but they were ace, and its the dream for people to love you even when your eyes are red and snot is running down your nose and you crumple in a heap on their floor.
I'm not quite sure what happened. I think I was just too exhausted and had too much work and I was (am?) going through a rough patch with self-worth and fuck man it just culminated. It wasn't sadness, or blueness. Just unsettled, on-edge tears.

But that wasn't the point of this writing.
The point was: happiness.
Because fuck! These past few days have been blissfully happy and I just carry on waking up thinking "I feel nothing!" (its usually: oh shit, I need to worry about that) and "I'm so excited for today", to waste my days doing whatever I want. Its just been euphoric to read and sleep and walk and be alone and drink coffee and binge watch trash and listen to George Ezra on repeat (seeing him rekindled my love nd I adore his aesthetic nd just general aura).
I've got an extensive 'easter vac fun' list. A key one is: write in my journal every day.
I feel remarkably out of touch with my emotions and, this vac we r on a mission to love ourselves, bitches.
Last term was spent with too many destructive thoughts nd nights drunkenly crying and tbh just days crying.
Which is weird bcuz it was a really good term. But I couldn't stop being invaded with destructive self hatred which led to hurting people I adore.
These thoughts need to stop, because I don't much like the me I am when I'm drunk and insecure and angry at myself and bits that can't change.
SO. Daily I'm writing to try and find something. Or at least to write a list of the good bits. So when I am drunk and insecure and angry, I can remember that I am not alone. Or worthless.

What else is on the list?
See my friends, in London, in Manchester, read (I treated myself to Everything I know about Love and Conversations with Friends today), blog, write, send letters, run, see some art, watch the new series of Jane the Virgin and remember I am enough and the world is okay!
Anything else?? I think that's it!
(i also promise PROMISE my next post is actually putting something good out into the world rather than narcissistic privilege !)
(also listen to budapest just to take u back, bc u know it will)
Peace!! Don't forget to cry! And laugh too!