How do I explain a happiness or a pining or an exhaustion, when even my brain cannot comprehend the emotions.
I am back.
I am lying on my bed, with the golden June light dappling against my walls. I'm so glad I've caught early summer evenings here, they are my favourite.
I've got a mountain of shit downstairs I need to sort, clothes to wash, things to put a way, a life to resume. But today I've napped endlessly, and next week I'm working (no rest 4 the wicked), so one day...
I came back home last night, sunburnt, exhausted, but filled with a bittersweet happiness. Happiness at finishing my exams, at knowing I will be returning to the most ethereal world in the autumn, at knowing I have months of reading and travelling and being, but sadness at leaving Oxford, my dearest friends, the most beautiful city.
I suppose I can't really comprehend it whist in the midst of its magic, other than knowing I belong and that these years will immeasurably be the best of my life. That it is a place like no other. Incomprehensible, unless lost in its madness. It ceaselessly demands everything, feels relentless, but stimulating, exciting, rewarding, motivating. I suppose all experiences are intangible and subjective, but the beauty and the madness of this world is unfathomable unless you are immersed in it. It does not make sense unless you live in it; in the tradition and the intensity, in the pretension, and the debunked stereotypes, in the intelligence. It is the most blessed privilege.
And, after 9 weeks of essays and revision and not much sleep and a few tears and lots of partying and love island, walking out of my last exam to my friends, who'd travelled just to celebrate (thank u exams after term has ended) to be trashed, swim in the river, drink and eat in the sun, man was it magical. I don't even want the shaving-foam scent to disappear from my hear, because I know that is the end.
And now I have 3 months, and a lot to achieve.
I want to read (reading list coming up), sleep, run, write, work, travel, lie in the sun, listen to normal music and just be.
I can't wait to write on here, resume my different worlds, and forget about academia for a bit.
Enjoy some pictures of the most magical place in the world.
Hope ur all well, v happy to be back nd writing nd thinking.
