twenty one

This train journey, my third in as many weeks, was supposed to be spent researching early Islamic art in Transjordan, but instead here we are writing. The avoidance I am practicing in relation to my dissertation sure needs to be addressed soon, especially after, on the 16th June, my supervisor said we should 'speak in a month' to 'assess progress'. Of course, progress is limited, but really I've just been trying to soak up as much sleep and laughter and permissible adventure as possible and make up for some of the privileges we have been denied as of late. So I think maybe, in corona times, that is a reasonable excuse. 

Twenty-one feels big and 'adult', neither of which are characteristics I attribute to myself. I'd really like to stay twenty forever, but I think I perhaps say that every year. 

Either way, it materialised into a magical day of sea swimming and cardamom buns and a haircut (that I now dislike) and phone calls and a lot of Prosecco and laughter with some old friends. I felt very happy and very loved and very lucky, feelings that haven't really been in abundance in the last few months. I got some beautiful gifts, notably a yellow 90s racing bike, a paloma wool shirt, and some velcro vejas which I bestowed upon myself, and whilst in some ways it was not the twenty-first I imagined, it was beautiful. 

There are some big things I want to learn at this seminal (?) age and, as I currently have a lot of time to think and reflect and some long convoluted journeys abundant in empty time, I thought I would document them, perhaps for some accountability. 

Break my jealousy streak. Florence Given taught me that my feelings towards others are simply a projection of my insecurities. And jealousy is a big one. I want to learn to share people and to not get angry when they spend time with other people. Trust your friendship and trust their agency.

And I suppose along the same vein, have faith in your relationships. I'd like to eliminate the excessive time spent with dear friends worrying whether they like me, and instead focussing on the time spent with them. 

Learn intuition – with food, with rest, with direction. Probably seek some help for the former.

Have confidence in my worth and don't depend upon external validation to realise this.

Speak up rather than shy away.

Be more critical in my approach. Don't accept as gospel everything I read, even if it is by someone I admire, and have the confidence to challenge it. 

Don't fuckin' freak out about the future or the intense and unwelcome reminder of other people's plans. I think third year is going to be perhaps a little grim for this, as the gossip about next steps and internships and grad jobs amongst inherently driven and ambitious people takes over. Breathe, ignore. 

Challenge my guilt complex, and learn to be. 

Finish my degree (yikes) but don't waste time thinking about the end. 

Thus, a few key things I want to learn. I suppose really all I want is a little more freedom and a little less control, but I think lessons from this pandemic will perhaps aid such a development. Twenty one will in some ways be a big year, but I don't really like to think about it too much. I just want to finish my degree, and not much else. I have plans for after but am a mighty firm believer in taking it slow. So I am envisaging another year out to live a little without 2 essays a week, before embarking on a masters in a subject which probably sounds vacuous, but for which I have fallen deeply in love. But let's not get ahead of ourselves, I need to finish my preliminary degree first. 

I hope you're all well and safe and wearing your masks! I've got an exciting week or two of celebrations and friends I haven't seen in a while and days in Devon, so I feel lucky and more normal than I have in months.