Some happy things

It's late and I have a busy day tomorrow but I need to get words on paper.
I've been thinking a lot about existence and future and the unknown, much of it overwhelming my hormonal brain as I battle through revision-loaded days that leave me exhausted. Below I will explode some thoughts and emotions so they can be easily ignored as I feel they consume too much of these posts.

pic credz here 

As I type, Bon Iver 'For Emma, For Ever Ago' plays, which I think is my favourite album ever. It breaks me and immerses me in the past***

Here's some things I am looking forward to/that make me happy:

- eating nectarines on warm June mornings
- exploring new cities
- having more time to read for pleasure
- learning
- my cat
- finding more about myself when I don't have the excuse of 'a-levels'
- dappling golden light on the blue above my bed
- building my jewellery collection
- the newest additions to my succulent collection
- redecorating my room
- living in Paris (one day)
- days spent in the garden
- re-learning French
- ASOS deliveries (even if they do fuck up leaving me with 50p in my account)

What are you looking forward to?

********ignore this lol********

I don't feel much at the moment, I haven't for a while. This year has disappeared but little significant has happened, I don't know who I am and can't categorise this year with memories or moments or topic (this year meaning academic because my whole world seems to exist in academia). I feel I can't remember anything about myself, I can't define myself, push myself because I don't know myself. It feels sort of terrifying and sort of emptying. I feel my year has melted with blinkers, I can't define it by anything-its just become a forgetful normality.
Fear is there. Does it ever leave?
But who am I? Where do I exist? Am I going to disappear? Do I live beyond stress?
Who am I going to be when I can't pour every ounce into shitty education that has lost every part of my identity?
I am lost, so lost. But through sadistic punishment I drive harder knowing it will never be enough.

***This album makes me think of fear of exams and spring light and the comfort of school and my teachers and the library and the exhilarative anxiety I felt towards exams, without the fear of 'next year'.
But this year, I feel nothing. Exams don't generate the same emotions, I feel scared but really I just feel like I am disappearing. I invest everything into surviving this year that 'me' beyond it feels non-existent.

Grey

Its a grey kind of day. The budding trees are standing against a backdrop of nothingness and only the bursting pink blossom breaks their monotony.

It feels kind of grey in my head too. Revision is getting me down, as are empty days (that aren't empty because I have little time other than to revise and procrastinate) and I feel in a thoughtless rut. 

I want to treat myself but I've spent all my money on birthday presents, interrail accommodation and clubbing, purchases that seem to define my age. 

Since we last spoke, little has happened. 

I handed in my history coursework which I was, in actual fact, very proud of. Hours of tears and stresses had gone into that 4000 word essay which, in mid-November as I panicked to my teacher, I never thought I would complete. 

We broke up for Easter which was anti-climatic as it just meant 2 weeks of revision and stunned me back into that "fuck its nearly all over" mentality that consumes. 

I returned to my favourite place, for a week that caused more stress than usual. It was all pretty detached, I spent much of it at my makeshift desk revising or on the beach reading, but not really feeling 'there'. It was beautiful however and did something to cleanse my soul. I have included a selection of pics, that probably replicate the ones from last year, and the year before.

This did feel an idyllic place to write about Socialist realism, something to make revision a little more bearable.

And above is where I have been spending my days, probably in pyjamas, surrounded by cold, un-touched cups of tea.

Today is Thursday. The penultimate day of my easter hols. I feel stressed and uptight, I don't want to revise but there is little else to do to pass the time. This is a common side affect of revision for me-I forget what I do for enjoyment. I will pass these next two days at my desk, taking quick walks in the park, crying, watching movies and in a bubble of fuzziness.
Monday will roll around and the days will melt away with an unfathomable speed.

***

If anyone has any tips on how to revise Shakespeare please tell me. I'm 110% struggling with Othello but am avoiding it because avoidance provides short term comfort.


p.s should probably mention this 'snap' election (that was promised would take place n 2020?!) to which I exclaimed "what the fuck" as I walked to the library. I can't vote because I don't turn 18 until 9th July (1 month and 1 day) which really pisses me off but use your votes wisely people.