Some happy things

It's late and I have a busy day tomorrow but I need to get words on paper.
I've been thinking a lot about existence and future and the unknown, much of it overwhelming my hormonal brain as I battle through revision-loaded days that leave me exhausted. Below I will explode some thoughts and emotions so they can be easily ignored as I feel they consume too much of these posts.

pic credz here 

As I type, Bon Iver 'For Emma, For Ever Ago' plays, which I think is my favourite album ever. It breaks me and immerses me in the past***

Here's some things I am looking forward to/that make me happy:

- eating nectarines on warm June mornings
- exploring new cities
- having more time to read for pleasure
- learning
- my cat
- finding more about myself when I don't have the excuse of 'a-levels'
- dappling golden light on the blue above my bed
- building my jewellery collection
- the newest additions to my succulent collection
- redecorating my room
- living in Paris (one day)
- days spent in the garden
- re-learning French
- ASOS deliveries (even if they do fuck up leaving me with 50p in my account)

What are you looking forward to?

********ignore this lol********

I don't feel much at the moment, I haven't for a while. This year has disappeared but little significant has happened, I don't know who I am and can't categorise this year with memories or moments or topic (this year meaning academic because my whole world seems to exist in academia). I feel I can't remember anything about myself, I can't define myself, push myself because I don't know myself. It feels sort of terrifying and sort of emptying. I feel my year has melted with blinkers, I can't define it by anything-its just become a forgetful normality.
Fear is there. Does it ever leave?
But who am I? Where do I exist? Am I going to disappear? Do I live beyond stress?
Who am I going to be when I can't pour every ounce into shitty education that has lost every part of my identity?
I am lost, so lost. But through sadistic punishment I drive harder knowing it will never be enough.

***This album makes me think of fear of exams and spring light and the comfort of school and my teachers and the library and the exhilarative anxiety I felt towards exams, without the fear of 'next year'.
But this year, I feel nothing. Exams don't generate the same emotions, I feel scared but really I just feel like I am disappearing. I invest everything into surviving this year that 'me' beyond it feels non-existent.