Nostalgia


Around my room, pegged up on loops of twine, or blue tacked to my mirror, or in a gift bag under my desk, I have physical encapsulations of my life.
Photos, tickets, postcards, letters.
The flittering memories that dance around my mind as I try to focus are engrained in still moments of the past.
Fingering through these makes me nostalgic and empty.
It makes me long for a glorified time that never existed in the pure form it is presented.
I wish for a time that I spent wishing for another time. It's messy.
Curled on the edge of my bed, under a quilt with melancholy music playing in my ears, I am enchanted by the photos that I have framed on my wall.
An image of my friend and I hugging around a birthday cake, bikinis in the north sea, watermelon on a Nicoise balcony, suited and booted before prom, idyllic summer fields and so many of friends and smiles.
And while every pixel is cherished and prized, they make me sad.
The ease and belonging feels arduous and messy and there are faces that belong to personalities I no longer know. Pictures where I have bossily dragged my best pals to the mirror, clad in our black dresses, to take what will be one of my most treasured possessions.
Today, these images feel impossible, complicated with our drifting lives.
I look at their familiar faces and miss the laughter and fun before A-levels and opinions and fears invaded.
A faded image sitting around a camp fire, in an assortment of patterned pyjama items, blankets and scarves, empty pots and pans discarded on the grass. The serene comfort I remember feeling makes me blue, such events become almost impossible to organise as our lives become busier and we move on.
God, I miss them.
They are captured in their purest, happiest forms, rose tinted and deceitfully beautiful. And even if I coerced the participator to pose with me (which I have a habit of doing), it doesn't show.
They are false tickets of the past.
And while I know these memories will be replaced with new ones, new faces will appear and new stories will be told, I can't help but feel the dilution of an integral part of me. Faces that have shared tears and firsts and fears and laughs and memories and have been my absolute insurance for the most formative years are fading and soon I'm going to have to go this journey alone.

It is a dark autumn night and I have been working hard and stressing hard and while such circumstances are prone to tears, I can't help but feel sad about my longing to be crossing a golden field to watch the sun set or dancing in someones living room or curled up watching a movie and feeling at home around the people I have grown up with.


15 comments

  1. I feel this post so hard. I've also been feeling this way since I've been going to school/work everyday of the week & it just makes me miss not having any responsibility. It gets so easy to miss moments in life as well as people & I wish there was more time in the day, but it just makes me cherish all the moments aside from these stressors even more. Keep working hard, girl, soon enough you'll find yourself documenting living room dance parties :) Have a good day!!! <3

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    1. life gets so swept up in responsibility and yo kinda forget that anything exists beyond...so true, enjoying each moment as a passes...thank you-cant wait!!!x

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  2. i really understand where you're coming from. as i sit at my desk, years of memories flood my eyes taking shape as a photo or collected brochure. it's hard letting go of the past and moving on from people that you one new so well. growing up it's really something you do on a daily basis. but you know, 'we're all in this together':) hope your weekend was nice and don't forget to think of what's to come, not what has become. (something i have lots of trouble with)
    -Maddie
    sundaysaresunny.com

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    1. such good advice, but your so true its easier said than done-some days you're like yess i can't wait for the future and then others you just can't even think about it - ugh. thank you :)x

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  3. This passage is honestly so gorgeous, it really speaks to me.
    wth high school coming to an end I can't help to feel anxious and alone for the future and desolate about leaving the people that I've shared so many memories with.
    clandestine-v.blogspot.com

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    1. thank you thank you :)
      Yes omg i am in exactly the same position, its so scary...

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  4. Girl I feel this post so much, I'm super sentimental so I collect loads of mementos and take loads of photos and they make me feel so nostalgic for the past, it definitely can be hard to move on and not dwell on memories too much!
    www.britishmermaid.com

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    1. hahah but I don't think it will ever stop me taking so many darn photos!

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  5. I can feel your emotions through your words and it's awesome. I like to think of what Dumbledore says to Harry, "It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that." Nostalgia is so nice and comforting, but can send you into a hole. It's hard to not stay in the past because it can be so much better than now, but we always have to remember that it is the past and we need to make new memories!! I feel like i repeated myself, but you're awesome Katie, alright!

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    1. SO so true-doesn't Dumbledore always give the best advice??! Thank you idk why but feeling my emotions feels like the biggest compliment :) xx

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  6. This is so beautiful and I totally get you! My walls are covered in all these photos from summers gone and everyone looks so happy and gorgeous.. I would give anything to be back there, not sat at my desk revising a-levels:/ x x
    www.lexiealexandra.com

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    1. gahd yes their such a distraction from all these bloody essays...

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  7. Your writing is absolutely B E A U T I F U L !
    Aleeha xXx
    http://www.halesaaw.com/

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  8. I love your writing so so much! I feel this so deeply! xx

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  9. I love your writing so so much! I feel this so deeply! xx

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Katie