My words aren't really finding their place on the page.
I feel both very happy and very sad and its making me feel lost and
well
lost.
Lets begin with the blue tinged nostalgia. Sometimes sadness is an easier place to start.
Photos. So many of them so candid and so true and so natural and I could cry with how much I crave to melt into their faded scenes of laughter and happiness. And I am so content with my loneliness and with my self and with my solo company but I am also craving the moments that I know can never be replicated.
Self-induced mortality. Haunting. I have obsessed and panicked and cried and screamed over the capricious nature of my mind that tricks me until I am lost with what is real and what is false. My interminable fear of death resurfaced and reminded how messy my head really is.
L'amour. Surrounding myself with the literary warmth of northern Italy made me detest the banalities of reality and crave passion in its purest presented form. It gave the illusion of interminable solitude and inadequacy and set my mind on cartwheels of "am I enough?", "will I ever find someone like that?, "does this story replicate real life?", "will I be forever alone?" (lol stop with the melodrama)
L'avenir (I've found when I don't want to admit things to myself I write them in broken French because it offers an illusion of distance). In my jaded head there is an image of how life will be. An image I never want to fulfil. And I can't picture my life being anything other than that life I don't want. Maybe this is confused by the complete uncertainty that comes with reality.
The past. I'm still sort of craving the support and familiarity and safety and security of the past. By past I mean last year. Its so much better than it was. But still a niggling of "remember how good it was!"
I suppose I'm lost in the labyrinth of rose tinted nostalgia and a glorified golden future, disappointed by the dullness of reality.
But, through the tears and beta blockers, I am also very happy.
My life feels a blessing, I just wish I had recognised that when I wasn't feeling so mortal (as in dead, not drunk). To feel so at one with my solitude and so in tune with my routine and so, implausibly proud of all this year has taught me and all I have achieved and the ways I have grown and the people I have met. The way I am valued and the things I have seen and the excitement that is coming.
For the record, I am so much happier than sad. Really. Life is so good.
But I also want to cry.
Firstly, your writing is beyond beautiful in this post and I enjoyed reading every little bit of it. Secondly, I can relate. You feel lost but you don't know quite know what you're looking for, as if you see so many things you want but feel too stuck in a sense to get them. I say do something to push yourself into feeling different because thats the advice I'm taking. Do something to make your emotions, your mind or your body feel different and it might light a spark. It's lovely to hear your happy but I understand feeling 'lost', we'll get there though!
ReplyDeleteLucy Jane | Infinity of Fashion
eek thank you Lucy!! Yeah completely, next weekend I'm doing something scary/exciting/new so hopefully it'll spark drive and motivation! Hope you are finding your way x
Deleteahh b I know exactly how you feel. It's also okay to admit that your sadness is what is consuming you the most even though you can feel and see that there are multiple things to be 'happy' about. I read this thing and it said that you can't feel the emotions 'gratitude' and 'stress' at the same time - so when ever you're feeling anxious or stressed, write down a list of all the things you are genuinely grateful for in the present moment, no matter how trivial. It kinda helps!! Honestly it's so hard though. Sometimes you can't even make yourself to do things that you think would calm you down/make you happy like reading a book or listening to music because the sadness or dread is just too heavy and painful? Man idk. I usually just nap lol, but sometimes that doesn't even help. I guess you just have to push through it, even tho that fucking sucks! Bleh - exhale! Sending you positive energy! <3
ReplyDeletethat sounds like such a good way of eliminating the stress, gonna have to try that!!! IDk sometimes I just find the bad feeling shout so much louder than the good ones, even if they are actually so much smaller? Like I'll be feeling really happy but still will being thinking about these tiny lil things that make me feel stressed?? Haha naps are always a good fix xx
DeleteAh Katie, your writing is so beautiful (Andre Aciman is that you?). I'm proud of you for making it so far through your gap year and it sucks how hard it is to not compare life now to life then, but remember year 13 wasn't all that and your brain may be blocking out some of the bad times. Also, I know your stuck in the labyrinth looking to the future n all that but it's hard to ignore the fact your future will be bringing so many great things and sometimes you just need to hold on to these things. I hope your days continue to bring you more happiness g x
ReplyDeleteconstantlylibby.blogspot.co.uk
omg I wish. 100% my brain is not remembering how I cried every single day and literally thought I would never survive or see the other side or man thank god I'm not in that any more. Why do our heads focus on the good in the past but the bad in the present?? like cmon! for sure, the future is exciting, just need to remember that lol. Lots of love x
DeleteI love how you write, seriously. I love to discover people who write from the bottom of their hearts, because is such a breath air to me. Im keeping your blog in my reading list!
ReplyDeleteAndrea//
https://justohana.blogspot.com.es
ahhh thank you x
Deleteplease write a book omg ur way with words is so beautiful, i could just read them forever. but also u are once again not alone!! literally 3 days ago i told my best friend over FaceTime that i was both happy and sad. don't really know how to describe it, but u did a pretty good job. it feels strange, but also comforting. i don't know. being a teenager is confusing.
ReplyDeletea fucking look
omg that is honestly the kindest thing you ever could have said, thank you thank you. I was having a melt down early this very evening because I wanted to start writing a novel but had stared at a blank page for an hour so your kindness came at a good time. It sure is but at least we're aware of the strangeness I guess haha x
DeleteKatiee, your writing is so beautiful, I have missed reading your posts! ( I don't even know where I've been recently). I hope you're doing good, it's hard staying at home especially when everyones aways but I think it's defo both a blessing and a curse. Also adding to the comment Madison said, plss write a novel!!!! Even if it was a collection of words/ poems, I adore your writing xox
ReplyDeleteomg Lexie thank you, hahah I wish, maybe one day....I agree but I think it'll make us even more ready when the time comes??? lotsa love xx
DeleteI feel like you could so easily play this off as a poem, your writing has a dreamy essence to it. I think a lot of us feel this way some (or most) of the time, and honestly recently I've been thinking a lot about how I feel sadness is just the root of humanity, like we can be mega bright and happy but at the root of us all is just sadness. Like that probably doesn't help, but it definitely plagues me. I also so relate to the point about nostalgia for the safety and security of the past, I just feel like it was all so much easier and there was less to worry about, you know?
ReplyDeleteAmy;
Wandering Everywhere