feeling things

This is entirely a narcissistic record of self-documentation.
I thought I was content with remembering 2018 and its happiness internally, telling the tales of its sun and its peace and its adventure orally and through the golden memories locked away.
But then, irrationally, I had a panic that I wouldn't remember it as such.
This site has become, more than ever, a diary. A record of emotions and headspaces, a place to remember how I was feeling when I'm sad or happy or nostalgic.
And thus, it seems only right, when I am locked away in the library or suffering the dullness of January (currently!) to flick to the instant gratifying memory of 2018 and remember happiness does exist.



SO, in a brief and unexciting dialect.
2018 was magical, I dream of eternally remembering it as such. Of its achievements and surpassed goals and new people and new countries and peace and so much fun and endless laughter and fun and accomplishment and self-love and independence and friends and new homes and new families and stimulation and rigour and fear and wow.
It was the best. The summer was euphoric, the months preceding challenging but rewarding, grudging but growing, and the months after full of newness and excitement and routine and everything I had craved.
SO that's it. That's how I want to remember it. Stilled in an epoch of peace, sat on a Corsican beach, book in hand and radiating sun soothing. Caught in a Parisian park, eating baguettes and feeling at home in my company. Captured in days in bed tired but content, nights dancing, laughing, weeks blurred in happiness, tea with friends, in just being.

I am now hovering in the liminal space between festivities and return to uni. Its sort of unsettling and a bit disorientating.
I've been feeling especially emotional recently, irrationally so.
Everything makes me want to cry or feel, its not a sadness, just a very emotional sense of being. I haven't been in touch with this poignancy for a long ol' while so I am sort of confused nd a bit concerned about how I'll cope alone, u know?
Will I still want to cry when my mum buys me a turtleneck because she knew I wanted one or when I think about family evenings in front of the fire or when I look at my to do list or I just feel emotions. Fuck I probably need to stop crying so much.
knowing when to let myself feel...knowing when to let the feeling go (thank u @ambivalentlyyours for always providing the answers)
Anyway, so I really just wanted to remember how I was feeling, and sometimes typing offers more catharsis than writing. I feel emotional and different and fragile and anxious and small, but 2018 was sick nd January is always hard.

5 comments

  1. Happy freaking new year Katie!! As you say, January is always hard; but I hope your mems of 2018 keep you going through this harder patch, till life is on a high again. I completely relate to you panicking that you can't remember everything so clearly, I guess you gotta put on your rose tinted glasses a bit aha. Hope uni is ok!! sending love n good vibes xox
    www.lexiealexandra.com

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  2. Happy new year!! I'm sure this year will get better and January is always the hardest as the festivities go down but sending love <3
    http://sputniksweetheartn.blogspot.com.au

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  3. Happy new year lovelyyyy <3 May this year be EVEN more euphoric than last year. January is the trial month of the year tbh. Things don't actually kick off until Feb, lol. Can't wait to see what 2k19 brings you! Sending love <3 <3 <3 <3

    Zoe xo
    delicate--musings.blogspot.com

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  4. I always love these endless stretches of beautiful thoughts that are so characteristic of your musings blog posts. I think you capture so much so well - the weird liminal feeling between new year and a new start with uni and feelings just suddenly being so palpable and huge and strange and it's almost as if you can feel everything about yourself so much harder.

    Sending you best wishes for your next term of uni, here's to more happy blurry weeks of being happy with yourself and just living another magical year!

    Imogen x

    musethngs.blogspot.com

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  5. omg never seen it put into words when feeling super emotional, but this is resonating w me bitch, my body needs to just feel everything at the moment, but a feeling of sadness or melanchony (do i really need to feel sad about the fact my flat mate couldnt open her beans? probably not! am i going to anyway? of course!) can't wait to speak to u later x

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Katie