happy (and a bit sad)

Its 2 weeks since I last wrote and wowee has a lot happened. I spent a week crying solidly, being hugged by my friends, eating pancakes, crying a bit more, adoring history, and wanting to go home. I've also come home, had the happiest 4 days, slept, binge watched flea bag, made exciting plans, missed my dear friends, hugged my cat, ran, cooked, eaten, written, avoided work, drank gin, seen George Ezra (guilty pleasure ok), loved my mum and booked a lot of train tickets.
It's been quite a whirlwind.




I think I exposed some of my vulnerabilities to my friends for the first time. I mean I didn't have much option, because I just couldn't! stop! crying! but they were ace, and its the dream for people to love you even when your eyes are red and snot is running down your nose and you crumple in a heap on their floor.
I'm not quite sure what happened. I think I was just too exhausted and had too much work and I was (am?) going through a rough patch with self-worth and fuck man it just culminated. It wasn't sadness, or blueness. Just unsettled, on-edge tears.


But that wasn't the point of this writing.
The point was: happiness.
Because fuck! These past few days have been blissfully happy and I just carry on waking up thinking "I feel nothing!" (its usually: oh shit, I need to worry about that) and "I'm so excited for today", to waste my days doing whatever I want. Its just been euphoric to read and sleep and walk and be alone and drink coffee and binge watch trash and listen to George Ezra on repeat (seeing him rekindled my love nd I adore his aesthetic nd just general aura).
I've got an extensive 'easter vac fun' list. A key one is: write in my journal every day.
I feel remarkably out of touch with my emotions and, this vac we r on a mission to love ourselves, bitches.
Last term was spent with too many destructive thoughts nd nights drunkenly crying and tbh just days crying.
Which is weird bcuz it was a really good term. But I couldn't stop being invaded with destructive self hatred which led to hurting people I adore.
These thoughts need to stop, because I don't much like the me I am when I'm drunk and insecure and angry at myself and bits that can't change.
SO. Daily I'm writing to try and find something. Or at least to write a list of the good bits. So when I am drunk and insecure and angry, I can remember that I am not alone. Or worthless.


What else is on the list?
See my friends, in London, in Manchester, read (I treated myself to Everything I know about Love and Conversations with Friends today), blog, write, send letters, run, see some art, watch the new series of Jane the Virgin and remember I am enough and the world is okay!
Anything else?? I think that's it!
(i also promise PROMISE my next post is actually putting something good out into the world rather than narcissistic privilege !)
(also listen to budapest just to take u back, bc u know it will)
Peace!! Don't forget to cry! And laugh too!

4 comments

  1. Term 2 has gone wonderfully and I'm so sad it's drawing to a close in less than 2 weeks. I can't wait to see you soon and receive your letter. I'm so glad you're happy and are feeling good and secure in yourself. say hey to the cat for me lol nd I'll see you soon (also jane the virgin is the best, I need to watch the new season asap)

    dalal xx

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  2. Hope you're feeling a bit more positive gal, imagine George Ezra's cute little face singing to you, that's one of my coping mechanisms! Sometimes you need to just break away from life, take a step back and re-evaluate to come back better than ever! I'm so sad because I was supposed to be seeing George Ezra this weekend but there is no way I can stand up for so long after my surgery, so sad!:(
    I've missed reading your posts whilst being in hospital, going to have a binge read now!x

    Lucy Jane | Infinity of Fashion

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  3. Katie this post made me cry. Like I did no school work today and I was meant to after work but instead I just uploaded a blog post and bought a dress for a fancy dinner party at the start of May in order to stop the stress nearer to the time when we're even nearer to exams. Sometimes I feel on top of it all and then other times (okay basically now) I just think that I'm not going to get into Bristol because I'm not working hard enough but then I am but equally I'm not?! and I'm sad and happy at the same time and this post is so beautiful and Katie, even though it did make me cry a little the happiness kind of comes through the words. Yes to Everything I know About Love and George Ezra and the tears, because they're part of lifes ups and downs and tomorrow is a new day with hopefully a better attitude.
    I realise I've just word vomitted in a comment (sorry), I hope your time off is fabulous because you seriously deserve it gal xxx

    eleanorclaudie.com

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  4. Hello Everybody,
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Katie