the new year

I've decided I actually don't much like yearly round ups, let alone decade roundups.

How could I process a decade I started in primary school in 1000 words. Bullshit. 

But 2019 is also over (didn't u know!) and its been a lot, so happy and exhilarating, but a lot. I'm full and tired, ready for more and ready to sleep. But life goes on. 

I'm writing this at my desk in Oxford, with coffee and a sunny view. I'm avoiding reading Procopius, because I'm here to have fun. Celebrate a new decade (lol), see some of my best friends. Not to work. 

I do want to think about what has happened, and what is to happen. A year of libraries, sunsets, runs, dancing and crying. A year of stimulation and interest and challenge, but in the best ways. A year of happiness and contentment, good friends but also some weird headspaces and thoughts and places. A year of stability and anxiety, control and freedom. 

As we approach a new decade, there are some things I am terrified about. 

I'm scared about getting older, for the responsibility and seriousness it brings. Ending uni, having to face emptiness and lack of direction again, and feel lost and small and not know where I'm going. 

The prospect of not knowing where I'm going.

Not wanting to leave home for good, because its warm and its safe and I can pretend, just for a day, to be a child again. 

The possibility that an empty year can bring, the 'bad stuff' that could happen, that I relentlessly feel I cannot weather.

But there are also some things I am excited for: 

The knowledge of a full year of fulfilment and stimulation, in a place I know I am happy. New things and new people, new places and new opportunities. Spring in the meadows and summer evenings. Long walks and phone calls with my mum. Evenings with friends and evenings alone, collaging and drinking tea. Lying in the sun reading my book, and finding the space I reached in July of pure and utter peace. Perhaps I'm really just excited about summer. 

There are also some lessons I want to learn in the next year, and some things I want to do.

I want to learn resilience, so the irrational potential for hardship doesn't keep me awake at night.

I want to free myself from the sometimes obsessive control that has become a bit too much.

Run a half marathon. 

Spend more time on my own, and be more introspective.

Write, and more than just teary excerpts in my journal.

Continue on the eco trajectory: find a zero-waste shop in Oxford, fly far less, continue to abandon fast fashion and consumerism, even when I'm stressed or sad. 

Learn how to sleep a bit more, and look after myself a bit better.

Learn how to say no to other people's problems, if they're too much or if there's no one supporting me.

Not get so stressed about friendship, understand that everyone does it differently and that's okay.

Give myself empty time, because its terrifying and nauseating but in the emptiness I might find myself 

Try and maintain writing and friendships and connections when things are stressful and busy, but also remember it is a two-way dynamic 

Join an orchestra

Be so much softer on myself because life is hard and you're making it harder

Continue to laugh and feel free and relish in happiness 

Cook in bulk and freeze it because, despite what my brain tells me, it is quicker 

**

So there we have it. 2020 brings stability and opportunity, the known and the unknown. For some reason, I really want to go home and cry, which is an emotion I haven't felt in a very long time. But, rather than overanalyse it I'll just let it be. 

What are you all hoping for for the new year?