This week has been a bit stifling. I am, for the first time, really craving independence and freedom. I've always loved home, love coming home, and in my year out I didn't really feel I wanted to escape, even though it was predominantly me and my parents and not much other entertainment. But now more than ever I am feeling the need to break free. I've tried changing my walks, running further and further, to new places, but I still feel confined. Its been 9 weeks, and now I am yearning to live on my own and just be in my own space and thoughts and time. Home is quiet and calm and really very nice, but I just want to be back on my own. I've looked into renting a room in Ox for a month over the summer. I don't even really care if any of my friends are in the city, I just want to be able to walk in the meadows and do my own food shop and ring home with updates, rather than having the same conversations everyday over breakfast. I know living alone in a pandemic absolutely would not be this idyllic, and I'd probably get stuck and lonely and want to come home, but in my head, for 4 blissful sunny weeks, it feels like the dream. So maybe that can happen, although what's the point of planning ahead any more?
I've thinking about the phrase the 'new normal' and how everyone says they want life to go 'back to normal' and how much I really fuckin' don't want normality because now this is the normal. Everything is so known in a totally unknown world and my surroundings feel worn out and overdone. You know what every day is going to bring, everywhere you are going to go, that you'll wake up the next day and nothing will have changed. There are no surprises, just the moment of bliss when you wake up before you think 'for fuck sake' and remember the crisis. I want change and excitement, not anything with a semblance of normality.
So I'm feeling a bit stifled and a bit trapped. My city is beautiful and the moments when I'm out running and its sunset are magical or when we drive to the country for a walk and I'm giddy at the change of scenery, but god I just want something new. I want to be away from my parents (lol) and living my own life and making my own decisions, and I just want something to be surprising. It sure is such a strange dichotomy, that in a world so wildly uncertain, where no sense of the future exists, can feel so fuckin normal and boring.
Is anyone else feeling this !
oh my god katie I literally feel the exact same! I've been somewhat content with being home and in london but lately I've been feeling so ready to pack my things and head back to Exeter- away from this city and my family oops- even though none of my favourite flatmates or friends will be there..I just want to be completely alone and even though solitude may not be the best at these times as you've said, I feel like it's the best thing I could do for myself and my mental health because I'm slowly feeling myself deteriorate lol.
ReplyDeleteMissing you lots and lots!! xxx
dalal
100% feeling this !!! I'm stuck with my Dad (lol) and we argue a lot and talk about the same things, conspiracy theories, how fucked the world is (mostly me just listening and rolling my eyes, infuriated that i cant just sit and drink my morning tea without my anxiety going sky high !!) and while I'm grateful to be here in this space, I too crave an escape! I've been looking at flats in Brighton, fantasising about settling there after graduating, creating a 10 year plan that involves travelling the world lol...I'm defo feeling that need of a 'change of scenery', of something surprising and new. Ugh. I alwaysss think about what you said in one of your last posts tho...that despite everything, every pandemic in history has ended, with or without a vaccine. Life has changed so rapidly in such a short amount of time, but that itself is a testament to how much CAN change in a short amount of time...things definitely feel stagnant and gloomy but a date in the near future is/could be waiting for us with open arms - that's what I'm hoping anyway - an embrace with this new normal shit that's stable and safe. Rambling once again (i should just write a blog post lmfao) - sending you luv and space!!
ReplyDeleteZoe xo
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Renting a safe to live in and just get "away in" sounds like a form of therapy. I can understand the need for that. I've been in the same place for TOO long. I had some thoughts about how life will still be changed once we go back to normal life when I was reading that second paragraph. I keep thinking that somehow this is only the start and that things are going to get a lot worse. Sorry that's not hopeful- it's been hard to stay positive in all this.
ReplyDeleteRecently I read that international travel won't resume until 2023 and it felt like my world collapsed because by then I'll be freaking 23 and I was so ready to just move to a new place where I no one and just vibe and get to know myself... And I can definitely relate to wanting a place to yourself and how peaceful it would all be.
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