It's a grey afternoon in Mannheim, an industrial city that straddles two German states. Its drizzling and, since breaking one of my shutters a few weeks ago, my room has been shroud in a perpetual semi-darkness. There is, however, quite a nice peace found in the quietness of this afternoon. I had a turn this morning about the prospect of time alone and empty in a foreign city and a foreign country. I forged a rash plan of a trip to Frankfurt to see some art in the rain, but stopped myself, aware of the ease of giving into another day of busy-ness, so I again don't have to think.
Life here is funny: unrecognisable from four months, sometimes I wonder if I am the same person. It's full and busy and social, but also anxious and exhausting and sometimes frustrating. School is a daily challenge of cancelled lessons and somewhat unfulfilling observation, but it is also teaching me so much and creating an acceptance. I have sat in so many funny places, waiting: the right train stations, the wrong train stations, bus stations, forests, on the side of roads. Perhaps its just an oscillation between waiting and busying. Life outside is full of exploration and adventure, chatter and plans. This week has been a little quieter – it is the school holidays and I am trying to catch up on sleep, rest, life – something I am of course not very good at.
Living abroad is also funny: it's made me realise a lot about the UK – often positive (e.g., health care, attitude towards general public health (free tap water, no public smoking), no ridiculous waiting at crossings, a like for the British small talk) but also given me a smugness as I listen to Newscast and hear food shortages and fuel shortages and increased prices back at home. I miss studying a lot and, as the novelty of it all has worn off and mellowed into a stability, perhaps the outlines of a routine, I know I couldn't do this 'year abroad' jaunt for longer than a year. Maybe live abroad, but not in this sort of constant holiday it now seems to be. Wildly delicious for a year, but after that I will be hankering for more stimulation and purpose.
Now that I have reached a time in my life with more space, something that again feels so alien from four months ago, I hope to write more and read more, bake more and be still more. I'm sure it'll all appear here.
