Catching a breath

This is not the first time I've written this or any post. Nor is it the second, or the third.
It has been so long. I have forgotten how to rhythmically type out my voice in a way that doesn't make me want to vomit in self indulgence. Its all self indulgent and narcissistic.
I like lists, they keep me concise and to the point, something I am teaching myself to be.
So, here's a list.
A list on why I am struggling to write*:
1) Time: its a lie, if I was desperate, I would find time. Although, I have spent 40 minutes trying to write and being unable to do so. And now I feel sick because I am wasting time.
2) Pressure on myself: "If I have time to write, I should have time to do extra French vocab or wider reading about the Russian Revolution" "I shouldn't have time to write"
3) Its too dark to take photos: It's not. You finish at 12:10 on a Friday and the sun is shining, take a photo.
4) The self indulgence: This is a real problem that has been swarming my mind. I don't want to bore people with the woes of my life, its not interesting, every time I sit to write an 'updates post', I get past "I started sixth form" then delete it all, it feels repulsively narcissistic**
5) Quality: None of it is good enough, I am unable to produce a single post I am happy with
6) Definition: I know what I want my blog to be, I just can't bite the bullet to take it there
7) Does anyone care?: I mean really, does anyone care if I have changed something in my bedroom, or if I bought a new top
8) Normality: I want to produce something different, do something different.

Even that anti-self indulgence list was self indulgent.
I thought time would heal this wound, apparently its leaving it gaping.

At least I will have something up on my blog, it won't seem quite as scary next time.

Katie x

*by write I mean blog but I don't like the word 'blog' for writing blogposts, ok
**I don't mean other peoples, I mean writing about my own, I enjoy reading other peoples pointless life updates, I do not enjoy making others read my own
***by saying "does anyone care" I am not fishing for compliments, no amount of reassurance will quell these fears, its a self confidence thang