Musings

To fail: verb (used without object) to fall short of success or achievement in something expected, attempted, desired, or approved: "the experiment failed because of poor planing."

Everyone has experienced a feeling of failure in some form. And sometimes this feeling of failure eats away at you for days and days and days on end.

And its not even failure anymore, its a fear of failure.

The thing you are fearing failing begins big, something scary, something that maybe a fear of failure should be evoked by-take big exams for example. And you worry of the implications of not passing this exam and the feeling of failure this may lead to. And then it trickles down to not meeting other people's expectations growing narrower and narrower until it affects every little thing.

You skipped one revision session, the failure demon grows a little bigger. Someone else has done work you haven't, the failure demon gorges on this. And then it becomes things that aren't even related. You didn't manage to run before school, you have failed. You ate a chocolate bar, you failed. You didn't drink 8 bloody glasses of water: You. Failed.

And this is what I am experiencing at the moment.

I wish I could get to the bottom of this fear of not fulfilling myself. No-one has ever said  I must achieve or I must be slim or I must get the outrageously high grades that run in the family.

But I did.

It's fueled by a whirl-wind of low self esteem and comparison and people's misconceptions and needing to have a voice and the only way I can find this voice and have people realise what I am capable of is to succeed. In everything. And even, opening the envelope of my mock results (which I was shocked by) the euphoric moment was temporary. Its all just doubt now.

So for now on, until I can find a way to cope with the demons of failure, I shall be at my desk surrounded by a sea of paper and books and post-it notes with innumerable lists on with my mind lost in Soviet culture, expectations and fear.

But its okay, we'll get there one day. 

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How do other people cope with pressure and failure? I can't be the only one!!

Katie x
Currently: Listening: Tom Rosenthal-Diablo//Reading: Us-David Nicholls//Loving: Tea//Lusting: this bralette/this one/this one//Looking forward to: Seeing Alice again