the end

That's it.
A-levels are done.
It feels kind of bittersweet, right now more bitter than sweet.
I am terrified about emptiness and loss of direction and loss of structure and loss of purpose and isolation and disappearance and the demise of academic interest.
I poured too much of myself into my a-levels, they consumed my life and, whilst it was partly because I enjoy learning and because the fear of failure continued to ebb away, it was also because it filled a void.
The focus and 'need to do something' patched the holes of personal failing that they subsequently perpetuated. I could silence my insecurities by saying "I need to work",  I could fill empty time by writing an essay that "needed to be done" and I could neglect my mental and physical health because "these exams are just so important".
And now I have to tackle this. I have to openly face the anxious pools of darkness and I have to actually think about myself and my health. I can't really explain the self-inflicted neglect that past 2 years have caused other than such a focus is unhealthy. It means when the plug is finally removed, you reach crisis point.
Maybe I'll write a post about my a-level experience once I've processed it all, it may guide some that are embarking on that whirl-wind of a journey.
But now to the future.
I need to create a new identity for myself (my identity was consumed by school work, unhealthy but again, filled an abyss), need to tackle some mental instabilities that have been ignored for too long, need to find enjoyment and creativity and learn to do things because I can and because I want to.  I also want to learn some healthy ways of approaching work, explore new paths and talents and be inspired by life, rather than terrified.
Expect to see more creative, more considered and less exam drenched content. That's what I'm hoping for, anyway.

***
Narcissistically, I have just read over my own post from 2015.
I quote: "May, you brought the realisation that what I knew was coming to the end, that I was growing up and things were getting serious"
This, apart from being horrifically written, was in reminiscence of the end of GCSE's.
And I look and realise I am, 2 years later, experiencing the same emotions. And whilst I was terrified about A-levels, I have had a whale of a time, in a mad, panicked kind of way. And so maybe next year won't be so bad after all.
Also, 'things were getting serious' makes me smile as I remember being so scared about lessons being so dull and lacking in laughter. They have, thankfully, been far, far from.

Finally, I've changed my blog URL. I needed greater personal anonymity so I could exist with a sense of duality. Not much different but hope u guys stick around.

2 comments

  1. I hope your exams all went well! It's all over and I cant believe it gah! Totally get what you mean about having to create a new identity, I'm struggling so much bc I revised so much it became me ahaha x

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    Replies
    1. 100% feel ya, hope you have the best summer xx

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