euphoria

Thursday was an overwhelmingly euphoric day. I look back and it is a memory drowned in the golden sun that blessed the 17th August.

Walking to school had been a silent affair, blurry eyed, consumed by the fear towards the letters that would define our future. Sleep deprived, we entered the room where everyone, now distant memories of the landmark past, was gathered.

A general mood of happiness, tinged by some tears and inevitable disappointment. Phone calls, hugs, photographs facing the path to my realisation.

I teased my envelope open, surrounded by an audience of eager bodies, wishing to see how another had faired.

I peered in to assess my reaction, prepare for the drop of my heart.

Happiness.

Wait. 

No. 

"What the fuck" I screamed, much too loudly, and pulled my best friend, and then her mum, into an embrace of utter relief and glory. The swelling conversation had dulled and the pulsation of total happiness ripped through my body. The room had silenced and, in my undeniably warped view of the day, it was just us standing in the middle with me screaming "oh my god". 

And people were so undeniably kind to me, I wish I could bottle their love and my happiness and pour it into my darkest days.

I don't remember much else of that morning, drunk on the exhilaration of eurphoria. The day melted into pure happiness, an emotion I liken to the thrill of birthday's, if I didn't feel the pressure to enjoy them. I couldn't stop smiling, couldn't sit still, high on the adrenaline of something I never thought possible and cured with a sense of oxymoronic calmness, as though nothing else mattered. I spent it eating, bathing in the sunshine and talking to, and feeling immense love for friends. 

Results night out felt truly celebratory, in a non-twatty way I felt I could truly have fun and relax. 

The night was filled with prosecco and jäger bombs and trebles as I was driven with the mentality that "I can do anything now" (vom). We danced and hugged and loved and my friends were unbelievably kind and happy and I felt so much pride for surviving 2 years and achieving what I had never believed possible. 

The night ended on the beach, beneath the morning sunshine, with some of my best friends, cold, exhausted but driven by the excitement of the future. I am still suffering from the 30 hours of overriding emotions and no sleep but fuck it was such a happy day.

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I am documenting this day in such detail because a) I never record happy things on here and b) if you read my last post you know how significant my a level results were lol