cross roads

(an entirely over dramatic creation)
I exist in a window of transience, with the door of the past firmly bolted behind and an abyss of emptiness that disguises itself as the future expanding in front.
It is terrifying.
I feel my fabricated identity melt away, whispering as it leaves that all that focus, dedication, interest wasn't me.
There is no me.
I suppose this transience is the beginnings of adulthood. A word that terrifies me.
Lost in the whirlwind of my European adventure, I wasn't able to comprehend the reality of the official milestone that marks my maturity.
It now dawns.
I want to crawl under my duvet and retreat to my 5-year old self, lost in a world of imagination, tantrums and a belief of eternity.
And I wish I could divulge the tips and tricks to help you explore your identity, brainstorm who you are and empower a sense of love but I too am lost at that cross roads of life.
Alas, in an attempt to save myself fro the abyss of overwhelming panic, I will, in the parting words of my favourite teacher, "be kind to myself".
And you should too.
Listen to the sounds of your body, calling for sleep, food, warmth and not deny it of these things. They really are essential.
From the beginnings of self-love, I will continue with small building blocks. Bricks that will, I pray, soon render the definition of my being.
My favourite colour, food, song, time of day, smell–miscellaneous nuggets that, together, begin to form the person I used to be.
In a week, a year, a decade, I will be able to shout: "this is who I am" and know that I am a luminous embodiment of my true identity.
***

Fuck me I am so so so so scared for the 17th August. I carry on waking up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, limbs sweating. I feel unable to survive the day and the self-loathing that will follow.
GAH.
Anyone else feel this or just me????