a funk

This is a melancholic interjection in the summer thrill to centre the emotions and recognise a sense of dejection. Its a sort of heavy blueness that has been on and off in the past few weeks. Its nothing, and it will pass.
But my head feels cloudy and weighted and there are niggling thoughts that are chipping away at my rationale. Namely: aesthetic insecurities, academic insecurities, future, romance love and the timeline, friends, uni, lack of sleep, end of summer and the fun, food nd exercise.
That seems to cover most bases.
So this summer is lit but the past few days haven't been and I know I need sleep nd perhaps a few consecutive nights in but there is an internal fear that I have to squeeze every drop of fun out of this summer. Saying yes to everything, burning the candle at both ends, until my skin rages with angered blemishes and my brain is screaming at me to stop.
The cerebral mantra is dominating in its sly tongue, managing to create inferiority in every aspect nd its getting me down.

So really I am just fucking terrified for uni and the 2 weeks before uni, I'm scared about being so far from home and scared about eating and surviving, definitely scared about my mental health (because it was shit last time I was in education) and making friends. I am craving romantic engagement or just some fun nd attention (lol), fucking hating that I can't breach the subject of love without qualifying it with humour to maintain the unbreakable boundary, trying and failing and exploring my fear of intimacy and openness and suffering in its repercussions, dreaming of August being over for no understandable reason and hating myself for it, getting myself down for the things I haven't done, feeling very very very scared about growing up (adulthood, what the fuck is that), wondering why there are still so many topics, thoughts and worries that feel too big to verbalise and understanding that this isn't healthy, feeling angered at dicks who say humanities are 'flaky' (fuck u, just watch me change the world) and probably just needing sleep and to see my mum.

I want to cry every time I think about summer being over because I hate winter and the darkness and summer is where I belong and the coldness and long nights get me down. My soul needs sun and its soon gonna be gone. I have had unimaginable amounts of fun the past 2 months and my brain can't stop telling me its over and I know that this is just the yin and the yang and of course the come down had to happen but it fucking hurts when it does.

I'm being dramatic nd revelling in my privileged pity. But writing is cathartic and grounding, and this is my diary.
Hope you're all well, the fun and sun will come back.

11 comments

  1. So much love to how real you keep it on your blog. <3 transitioning into something new and leaving summer behind can be hard. Girl, I face some of (A LOT) of the things you are struggling with right now. You'll get through this.

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    1. haha thank you, glad u enjoy the realness. It sure is, change is always terrifying but its also necessary?! thanks gal x

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  2. I'm feeling literally the same (minus the uni), it's actually a bit scary. I hope you're doing ok, I put it down to the time of year partly. September is always the month of change, and when you reach August its like fuck, I was gonna do all this stuff and now I just wanna do nothing?! Uni will be hard no doubt, but it will be so amazing!! I know a girl at Oxford and she's having the besttt time. The Balls and parties look like so much fun, I would probs go just for that ahaha. Sending you love xox

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    1. isn't it so scary??? September is ALWAYS a time of change, and when its not it'll probably feel weird. AH i hope hope hope thats me, hope youre find your way m'love xxx

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  3. I truly do understand where you're coming from because I've spent so long feeling all over the place but finally I feel quite rational about life. Think of it this way, put everything into perspective, the nights you've spent in, the days you've spent out, the weeks you have left, your journey to Uni, it's all going to come and it's all going to go. The only thing you can do is be living for right now (as stupid as it sounds) thats the only time you've got! I feel you on so many levels but when I feel like that I say to myself 'Lucy just shake your head and think', go somewhere quiet just write and figure out whats truly happening. I hope you can get past this funk, but its completely okay to be in a funk!x

    Lucy Jane | Infinity of Fashion

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    1. ah you're so right and so rational and its like you know all the existentialism nd fears are stupid because how could you ever know what the future holds?! but our minds can be cruel!! I definitely need to learn to focus on the present and the moment but also lean that its okay to be a bit lost...not everything needs to have a solution. I'm super happy you've found rationality in life nd are feeling at peace atm – you deserve it for sure xox

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  4. Duuuuuude you have literally verbalised all my uni fears, and people say 'everybody is in the same boat' but it provides no reassurances! I honestly think uni will be fab for you though and humanities aren't flakey- you change the world bitch!! Katie for prime minister!!! Sending u big love Katie, and also praying that you stay in n sleep- fun is important but one night off will be okay!!!!x
    constnatlylibby.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. idk why I left my blog link lol

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    2. lool I actually used to wanna be prime minister (no more thank god) nd as I type this I'm tucked up in my bed relishing in a friday night in wahooo. also lol, you also left it incorrectly so winning all round, love u gal xo

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  5. ahhh girl i love ur rambles and ur fears are valid!!!! growing up sucks and transiting into school is SCARY! but im sure u'll do just fine, and if not drop out! lol im terrible n make jokes abt everything too. sending u love tho u'll get thru this <3

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    1. hahah thank u madison, it sure does but its also exciting nd I get scared like whats gonna happen when I stop growing up??? is life gonna be boring??? hahah, true though it doesnt really matter whether i love it or hate it. hope life is going well for ya xoxo

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Katie