Last week, in a fire of fury, I drove to the beach alone. And sat.
And I've been thinking about it ever since. About how calm it was and how timeless nature is. About how soothing the ceaseless waves are and about how the space allows the mind to run.
I've been thinking a lot about how much I'll miss where I live when I soon leave. The identity and the grit and the gaudiness and the industrialised spirit that fights on despite no funding and total governmental ignorance, the city that exists entirely from its nightlife, the accent, the escape, the beach, the fields, my room and its view, the hills nd the cows, the towering streets, the iconic bridges, the same pub we visit 4 times a week, the cheap drinks, the feeling of home.
Home is perhaps a transitory concept. Something that exists within you, exists within others. But this, for the moment, is my home. And when I return I breathe a sigh of relief at its ease, its effortless sense of self, its comfort.
I'm so excited for new things and new people and new places and I thrive off change. But, after years of feeling like I don't belong here, hate it here, dreaming of moving away, this year has taught me that I do belong and just how magical a sense of home is.
***
Unsurprisingly, life is fucking busy. I have 12 hours home until the next adventure and am using the emerging restlessness to type up some words to look back on when I'm lost. I want to tell you about the books I've read and the things I've watched and the trips I've been on, and the time will come. But until then,
what does home mean to you?
such a beaut photo, and sounds like the best motive ever, just going to the beach alone. It's so weird because I feel the opposite rn, stuck at home in London wanting to be independent again in my own space at uni. I imagine once I start paying bills i'll probs wanna go home again lol, and I do totally get yearning for familiarity once it's gone - it's inevitable. I'm sure you'll love Oxford tho! Home is wherever you find safety and calmness and balance within, in my opinion. Hope you're well! <3
ReplyDeleteIts so dreamy, feels like such a privilege to be able to escape to such a magical place. Haha, so many of my friends who have been at uni and have come home are experiencing the exact same sense of entrapment, I guess youve experienced freedom and newness and it feels like a step backwards. That's so true and (luckily) I think those things are quite easy to fabricate when you know how. Lot of love Zoe xoxo
Deleteahhh i feel this! during my last few days of la i went to the beach n swam while it was sunset. for a brief moment, the waves weren't crashing as hard as usual. everything seemed to be content while i was floating below the pink hues n it made me kinda sad to leave again. i have talked about not feeling like i have a home many times n i always dreamt about moving out of where i used to live, but for those few minutes, that beach felt like home n i was happy
ReplyDeleteAH gurl that sounds like the most perfect moment of utter peace, even those brief moments you can cling on to when you feel lost and ungrounded. Its so weird the idea of 'home' and I don't think it necessarily has to be in a physical place, in moments like that you can also find sense of home x
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