musings #5

As I write this I am sitting in the library, surrounded by literature of the Reformation, attempting to rekindle my studious streak, after a year of getting drunk and reading trashy chick lit.
I've decided I like libraries, their calm sense of focus. Maybe I am looking forward to the resumption of education.



"remember to be tender"

Life is strange, I suppose when is it not.

"collecting tiny moments of joy to help confront the chaos"

I'm feeling a lot of things, primarily an overwhelming sense of emotional tenderness. Not sadness, just emotions. An episode of Rebelliously Tiny taught me about emotion and openness and how its okay if your innate response is to cry if you walk along the river and are hit by a love for your city, or if you are lying in bed tired from a lack of sleep, or if you hear a song that reminds you of a happy day. So I am attempting to embrace this tenderness, allow it to empower me not terrify me. I watched Sierra Burgess is a Loser and felt sad that my life will never replicate a teen coming-of-age movie and probably need to spend a bit more time telling myself I love myself in the mirror. Because, as What a Time to Be Aone taught me, no one else is going to do it if I can't. Expectation is haunting, and I think much of my expectation is unrealistic. I need to learn to let it be, but this is all part of the self discovery. I have had a euphoric summer (didnt I say?) and have had the happiest months of my life ever (so much more to come on this) and now I've just got to confront the reality that life is going to change. And its a good change and its exciting, but its scary. And that's okay.

"tender hearts work hard"

What else.
I got my hair cut to establish a new self to confront this new dimension, I am unable to picture this new self which is distressing for a brain that seeks to find reason and justification in everything. I've been on some hilarious nights out that have rolled into one mass of drunken memories and have been enjoying work. I've eaten too much cereal, not done enough exercise, spent too much money, laughed until my stomach ached and napped a lot. I am refusing to admit my emotions about university (a blur of imposter syndrome, fear about friends, fear about food, fear about enjoyment, fear about mental health, excitement for new people, excitement for new experiences, excitement for education, excitement for sitting in libraries drinking coffee, excitement for independence) and repeatedly tell anyone who asks that I "haven't really thought about it yet".

"moving forward with uncertainty and enthusiasm"

But really, I'm just rolling with the chaos of life. Understanding that euphoria and fear, peace and sadness, excitement and overwhelm, can exist mutually.
That emotions are dimensional, that I am too.

***
For all of you who are too moving on a new chapter, its scary and its overwhelming and the unknown is daunting. But its growth and its movement and, as this Rookie quote reminded me:
"sometimes pushing yourself leads you to discover a whole new dimension to the world; other times it just adds another item to the list of supposedly fun things you'll never do again. But the thing is, there's no way to predict the result of any leap of faith until you take it".
We are brave and we can tackle this adventure.

10 comments

  1. This was so beautifully written and captured what I've been feeling recently too... The last part gave me a lot of courage and these quotes are so captivating and true
    http://sputniksweetheartn.blogspot.com.au/

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    1. thank you so much gal, I have complete faith in us tackling these changes, even if they feel so terrifying at the time. Lots of love xo

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  2. The line about emotional tenderness but not feeling sad per se speaks to me so much. I've been full of emotion since my decision to actually go to university this year and now that I have under a week until I move, it's just gotten more intense. I keep trying to distract myself and like you said, just blurt out that I haven't thought about it much to whoever asks "so how are you feeling?. It's going to be a scary next step but we'll get through it.

    Dalal

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    1. I'm so relieved that you're feeling emotional about uni as well??? i don't know what it is and i can't fully put my finger on it but its weird. At least we're going through it together x

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  3. I feel ya gal, the unknowingness of life is terrifying but I've come to the realisation that most people don't have a clue what's going on and all this uneasiness is absolute okay. We aren't made to feel one way all the time, we're made to experience and feel everything which is beautiful but also shit at the same time. You're pushing yourself and you should be proud! The quote at the end really gets it, you never know unless you try and that's just life!
    Going to be watching a few of the things you spoke about in this post, I need cozy things to watch to fill up my autumnal evenings!xxx

    Lucy Jane | Infinity of Fashion

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    1. you're always so wise Lucy, but its true and i do feel like theres a societal emphasis on feeling one way, happy or sad or excited or scared but not that these emotions can intertwine. Would totally recommend Sierra Burgess is a loser/Jane the Virgin/To all the boys I've loved before for your autumnal watchings xoxo

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  4. Ahhh babes it sounds like the happiness and contentment is just flowing out of you and your aura and it makes me so happy! Feelings of tenderness and sensitivity and deep emotion is like a bubble of all of the momentum of busy days and happy nights and it's all meant to be. WHat A Time to Be Alone is amaaaaaaaazing, so glad it has spoken to you too! Good luck with the next few weeks b!! Zoe xo

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    1. yayay that's just what I want!! ITS AMAZING isn't it, after my mum gave me a lecture in the car about not being "too independent becuase ill close myself off from people" (meaning potential suitors obvs) I delved back into it and remembered that I am ALWAYS enough (and I'm going to show her my fave articles). Hope you're well zoe, lots of love xxo

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  5. Katie!! Just wanted to say that despite the lack of comments/general bloggery presence I've been reading your posts for the past few months and I just adore your writing. This post felt particularly poignant; you're moving into a completely new part of your life that feels miles away for me but I'm experiencing similar changes (a few years behind obviously). I think the bit you said about letting yourself be emotional as a response is so true and healthy. I spend lots of my time feeling fragile and uncertain, and often just trying to work out what I'm feeling - sometimes I feel as if the way I function and react physically is completely disconnected from my immediate emotional responses. I think it's so important to sometimes just acknowledge that you're experiencing an emotion and let yourself live it out in a way?? There is definitely a sort of rebellious power in tenderness :)) Your posts are honestly The Best <333 Esme x

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    1. ESME!!! thats the nicest thing ever, thank u so much lol. I am trying to learn to just let the emotions be rather than challenging them, it sounds like you're coming to the conclusion that that might be a good tactic to try too??? emotions/vulnerabilty are scary but i feel like only because society has told us its scary to show emotion and really we just need to embrace it. Lots of love gal xox

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Katie