the end

we did it bitches! we survived the year we never thought we would.

(i love u so much Newcastle, i could write a whole essay about why this has been the best fucking place to be a teenager)

I wanted to write all about growth and healing and time but I can't really process it and verbalising such intense emotions is kind of tricky.
I do know I've bloomed in every way. In confidence and self-worth and belief and rationale and adventure and happiness and learned that exercise makes me happy and the value of socialising and the value of time alone and how to make the nicest risotto u have ever eaten and spend a whole day reading and fill my day of fun things and love myself mostly. I look back on the previous 12 months nd see a different person. And that's exactly how I wanted it to be.
I've learned what I want and what I don't, why I feel the way I do and that its okay, that time heals everything, that my mum is the best, that the bad days roll on and eventually they disappear, that sad insta quotes see u through, that music is good and social media is (mostly) bad,  that writing saved my brain, that nights out in Newc will forever be the best, that I finally found happiness and that earning money and spending it has been a fucking good feeling.

But, growth is also a linear process.
so here are some things I want to learn:
how to hold eye contact
accept rejection, learn that people have the right to say no nd I'm not stupid for asking
return to education with a pma and all the lessons I've learned from this year about life just being fun
fear of heartbreak isn't a reason to avoid it
be more tolerant and less judgemental about the small things
bad foods r ok (slowly getting there with this one yey)
how to challenge the bad things people say rather than being too scared
how to be forward with what I want
letting people finish what they're saying before interrupting (because I've noticed this one is v annoying)
accept that sometimes a crush is enough and enjoy the emotions (influenced by this)
have the ability to watch more than one tv show at once and keep up with the plots
be more emotional and open and tell people how i feel
be more patient, with people, with ideas, with life

And now I am confronted with a long to do list and not many hours to do it in. Lmao, classic. I've finished work (which was a lot sadder than it felt it was going to be 5 months ago, i'll miss the cute kids and the gossip and being in control lol nd in hindsight it was actually really fun) nd volunteering (which had the most elaborate farewell eva) and flute and clubbing and driving my lil car and everything is drawing to a close. Its time, but its scary.

So yeah. thanks to you for sticking around, for listening to the whining and existentialism, for the reassurance. Peace!

5 comments

  1. I felt like reading this post was the end of your blog so pls don’t say it is !!!! Your view about your gap year is the most refreshing thing and you had a balance that I think people find hard to achieve. It sounds worthy but your things to work on are just as positive (and definitely achievable). I’m definitely going to read the Rookie article you linked about crushes because I think I need to learn this too. Wishing you the best for the next few weeks! xx

    eleanorclaudie.com

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    Replies
    1. hahah no gal don't worry, I totally get why you thought that tho lol (just the end of an era, I'll always be here). I think its healthy to identify things that you need to change or ways that you wanna grow, right? I would totally recommend, I love for Rookie articles on love lol. Thanks Eleanor xoxo

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    2. Rookie's articles on love and relationships taught me everything I know, and I'll scream it from the rooftops. Glad to see I'm not alone!

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  2. growth is necessary, you are right
    new post
    https://www.melodyjacob.com/2018/10/fayrouz-nigeria.html

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  3. Ooo! I love these, especially the one about eye contact. I've recently realized just how bad I am at it, but this is a new phenomenon that must have developed in college because I used to be a rockstar eye contact person. Additionally, I'm learning to be more patient with people too. It's tough stuff, but worth it.

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Katie