gratitude

hey bitches.
Today I'm feeling shit. I can't stop crying nd just really wanna go home.
But its okay because I don't feel like this often, and I've learned that such days and toughness and tears are sort of a cyclical release.

After having suppressed tears through the entirety of a Tesco trip, bought myself a mango, nd cried in bed and on the phone to my mum and did some yoga, I composed a gratitude list.
Because life is generally great and these days are hard but they don't last for ever. And even in the moments when I just want to sleep or cry with my cat, there are still  beautiful things. Like the view out of the window, or the sun, or the silence.
So a gratitude list.
The sun.
Golden hour.
The quietness of Oxford.
A completed essay.
Laughing.
My friend Vassia.
Pubs.
A mum who listens and soothes.
Fresh sheets
Nice cereal.
Interesting talks.
Quiet libraries.
Silhouetted trees.
Coffee.
Post cards.
Picnics.
Early mornings, working.
This feeling. Emotions are important.

It's the next day. Still feeling a bit weird, but I'm going to hide away in a library a try and avoid people for a while because I think that's what I need.
Hope ur all okay! And not being as emotional fragile as me! Tears are good, right?!

loving

I'm not sure about my last post. But I need it up there to remind me how I was feeling. That's the purpose of this, for me at least. A perpetual reminder of how life was and how I was feeling and an indicator of growth and richness and sadness and progress.

Alas, here's just some things I've liked recently, or thought about a lot.
I'm obsessing over 2 specific Monet paintings. Soleil Levant and this one. Those colours man. If I were to die tomorrow, I'd like to do so in the south of France. Somewhere near the sea, in the sun, with a gentle breeze, tucked away from the madness of life. I'm scared of death, but thought of dying somewhere so perfect offers a warm comfort.
Wow!
I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. My brain gets tired from thinking some times. The 2 hot topics of this week have been: what the history of the body can reveal about the relationship between gender and biological difference, and whether society needs religion. The first was an essay, the second the motion of this weeks rum nd rights. I seem to spend a lot of time thinking and discussing what gender is. It is definitely a social construct, but I think its relationship with bodily difference is complex. There definitely is a relationship, but I think maybe its more to do with the manipulation and exploitation of anatomical difference, for political advancement, cultural representation, demographic gain, rather than inherent biological difference.

The second question, I am undecided. All the points I made and thoughts that came to mind appeared to suggest we do, but I don't know if that's what I actually think. All I've concluded so far is: the concept of religion in a modern society needs to be reconsidered, nd white straight men have such a way of speaking. Privilege, innit.

The inherently problematic nature of history has also been prominent in my thoughts, but I think maybe this is still too complex to fully process, because its sort of questioning everything. Validity, euro-centric domination, bias–fundamentally, can we ever actually know? (no) (but that's quite interesting).

The playlist to work this term has been sheku-kanneh mason. Listen to deep river. Fuck me. I'm properly into classical music atm nd when its good it makes me wanna cry a bit lol.
I've definitely not been sleeping enough, but that's not something I've loved.
I've also been consuming so much dried mango, having peng breakfasts because my mum brought me so many treats when she came to visit, drinking a lot of coffee and probs eating too much chocolate.

Uhm yeah. I'm loving my friends a lot (esp. one's that forgive u when ur a dick), and this night off because I accidentally handed my essay in a day early (woo for reading emails wrong), feel I deserve it nd am actually just fucking tired.

Hope u are all sweet. Stay that way! What have u been looooving?

sunday

Its a sunday night and I finally have time to write. Fuck, life is so busy nd good nd stressful, and every day feels like the most intense and vivid lifetime in the space of 24 hours. Every day I experience so many emotions and thoughts and wow its tiring. But amazing. But tiring.
I have so much to write about and think about, but now I have the space and the time its not coming.

Since I last wrote I have:
Started a French course (because I don't have enough work!), got drunk, danced a lot, ran a bit, marvelled at the beauty of this city, in the sun, in the snow, in the rain, seen a lot of sunsets, tanned very badly, laughed endlessly, drunkenly cried, had the most sensational ball, not slept enough, drank too much coffee, had a formal dinner, been to some interesting talks, stressed a lot, missed my cat, missed my mum, bought daffodils, been on a crew date, eaten a lot of chocolate, done a yoga class, loved my friends a lot, hated myself a bit, and spent endless hours in the library reading.
Its been amazing and exhausting, and I think that sums up this city. The hours spent with friends, evenings laughing and debating, or at the pub, or in a sunny spot in the library, or drinking tea, they're so sweet. I just need to balance those epochs of euphoria with the spiralling thoughts. The days feel so long and intense and varied, these moments sort of get forgotten with the trudge of reading and washing and cooking, and living u know. I need to challenge this.
There are some other actual things I want to talk about, so I can stop thinking about them.
I sometime wonder what's too much, u know. What should be etched on paper, not on the internet. Probably most of it.
Alas.
Self-worth. This induced the hysterical tears at 3am, drunkenly storming ahead on the way home. Dramatic nd rum-influenced, but also sort of true. I think its an amalgamation of romantic disaffection and aesthetic discomfort and endlessly (irrationally) questioning whether my friends actually like me and then being a dick because of said insecurity but feeling worse. Wow! And everyone around my is in love or loved or at least liked and I'm enough on my own, but also am I. What about me!?
I also feel fu-ck-in stupid nd am invaded with imposter syndrome, which probably doesn't aid this lack of worth. Last term I didn't care, fuck it! I'm here! But, something about this term, is different. I am working so hard but also so behind and don't understand a lot of what I read nd some of the conversations and references and discussions we have I'm just. stumped. There is a fundamental discussion that needs to be had about access after acceptance. Yes, outreach is getting better nd yes these equal opportunities are great, but fuck, how can a special-measures-inner-city-northern-comp-with-below-average-results compare to Westminster, or the grammar schools that everyone seems to have come from. It can't. But, as always, we've just got to run 10x further. And feel perpetually disaffected.

 I've been battling with control a lot recently. My thoughts and brain dumps are generally somewhat flippant and hyperbolised, but this is a consuming anxiety. A perpetual need to be in control of every faucet of my day. Of the precise time spent working, of the food consumed, the food cooked, the money spent, the routine, exercise done, the plans organised. Not managing these mundane aspects makes me feel on edge and, well, out of control. This deffs isn't a good thing. Hmm.
But, alas. Things are good. Just a bit headsy, and not many places to dump the thoughts.
I have a week of madness coming up. Feminist fun nd friends and birthdays and 2 essays and my parents visiting, but I need to fit in a run and sleep and some time alone, because I don't get enough of that.
Hope u are all well. Stay sweet!!!