spring

The soft golden light and the meadows of wild darts of colour and the sandstone that blends into the hues of the spring evening sky. Canals and rivers, and walks doused in the thick smell of warmth, and laughter and panes of rectangular sunset reflected on the walls. Old libraries flexing in the light, cloudy mornings of promise.
Oxford, in spring, is idyllic.

Its a monday night, the first of term. I am very tired, and quite overwhelmed, but also happy. I've had a magical weekend of pubs and pimms and singing and running and friends and warmth and reading, much needed after the brutal shock of 6 hours of exams.
But perhaps that explains the cold drag of today.
My brain is so tired I can't think of words. I've spent an obscenity of today reading and thinking and writing and, frankly, it has been too much.
But I also played football in the sun, and called my mum to rant about the laughable workload I have, which pains/stresses/scares/annoys me so much I've bored myself with thinking about it.
My friends cooked me tea, and went to Tesco for me and I practiced self-care by not cramming in any more.
Fun things are coming, and summer's on its way, even if I am yet to solidify plans. But that's okay. My existential angst has been quiet these past few days, for which I am grateful for, and attempting to maintain.

And some things I've loved, or am loving.
Jane the Virgin, because its just ridiculous, but what I need.
Samuel Barber: An American Romantic (I'm not even gonna apologise for liking choral music. I've been mocked enough. But u know, this is really actually v good and I like it for working)
Sally Rooney Conversations with Friends, became almost painfully mental, I felt inside her torment, but so skilful and heartbreaking and easy to read
Dolly Alderton Everything I know about love, because its quick and its abrasive but wise and funny and very fuckin' apt and true and ridiculous
Jodi Picoult A Spark of Light because it made me think about abortion and women's rights and how ironic pro-life arguments can be but also so skilful in presenting unbiased, uninfluenced ideas, she's really good at this kind of book
Coconut yoghurt
Summer
Cream jeans
Evening walks

Stay sane peeps. We've got this (even when they throw 12 essays at u in 6 weeks then exams lol!)

What a liberation to realise that the 'voice in my head' is not who I am. 
'Who am I, then?'
The one who sees that.