après la nuit

The sun is shining, but these days are tough. I feel disorientated and misplaced. My life (along with everyone else's, no doubt) has pivoted exponentially in mere weeks.
I am lost and confused and my anxiety is crippling at times. But I don't want to talk about the bad stuff, because every dinner table conversation and every phone call and every 'how are you?' comes back to it, and for me a reasonable distance and ignorance is necessary to get through. I am scared, and for my anxiety, this is perhaps my worst case scenario. But I know everyone is anxious and uncertain. And only through love and support can we get through. 
Anyway, some good things have emerged, and some good times have been had, even if my horizons and my world has shrunk to the walls of my house (with a few solitary walks to break up the monotony). 


I've enjoyed baking and eating in copious amounts, because if a pandemic has taught me anything its that these aren't worth worrying about. 
I've also enjoyed reading (even if I thought Atonement was overrated), painting at my desk, listening to music to block out intrusive thoughts. I've enjoyed Facetiming my friends and writing letters and silent walks in the morning sun. I've enjoyed seeing everyone come together and the world adapt at an impressive rate. I've enjoyed the permission to be slow and more sedentary. 

It perhaps sounds hyperbolic, but I am grieving for Oxford in summer. For the meadows and the sunsets and open windows in the library, giving a gentle breeze. I miss my friends like never before, walks to college, meals together, nights in bars, and evenings dressing up and drinking wine. The support and the community and the feeling of belonging, the feeling of home. The laughter, endless endless laughter. I was already fearful of how quickly it was disappearing, but now another term has gone. And it is my happiest place and my happiest time. But this is also globally a minor problem and boy is it a privilege for this to be my primary grief. 

Home feels safe and quiet, and I feel I can retreat to my room to the silence and the calm and feel okay. I am dreaming of summer and sea and foreign tongues, but it'll happen, maybe not this summer, but it will happen. 
So for now, I am reading and sleeping and trying (oh, so trying) to be kind to myself. It is just a different phase, a time to be slow and breathe and take time. Instagram is providing a lot of solace (Facebook for sure is not), and when I think of everyone in the same situation, I do feel better. 
And maybe, as Lexie said in her post, something good will ultimately come of this. It is bringing rapid and unprecedented change, and perhaps will, in the long term, offer a shakeout. 
Who knows, we can hope.


Some things I like:
This insta post. 
and this.
and this.
@werenotreallystrangers  

Every single breath you breathe is proof that you are finding your way in this - Morgan Harper Nichols

In times of crisis, we must all decide again and again whom we love - Frank O'Hara 

"And the people stayed home. and read books, and listened, and rested, and exercised, and made art, and played games, and learned new ways of being and were still. And listened more deeply. Some mediated, some prayed, some dance. Some met their shadows. 
And the people began to think differently. And the people healed. 
And, in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless, and heartless ways, the earth began to heal.
And when the danger passed, and the people joined together again, they grieved their losses, and made new choices, and dreamed new images, and created new ways to live and heal the earth fully, as they had been healed" - Kitty O'Meara (every time I read this, I cry)

For all of the answers
you don’t have yet,
I hope, tonight 
you can still find rest. 
I hope you can find peace
while breathing deep
even without knowing
what comes next.

Even in the nights
when no stars fill the sky
and neither music
or movies
are enough to keep you
occupied,
take each breath
one at a time.
And with every second
that passes
you are just a little further
down the line. 
Goodnight
Goodnight
I know the nights have not
been easy before you.
So be gentle with yourself
this hour
let endless boundless grace
shine through. 
Morgan Harper Nichols 
(this also made me cry, and I can't decide if my period is due, or I'm just very sensitive at the moment lol)

Breathe, my loves. Take it day by day, moment by moment. I'm always here.
And expect many more posts like this, whilst I avoid the work that feels impossible to start.
Love and peace <3


(sources of pics: 1) pinterest but I can't find it eek! 2) ditto 3) @subliming.jpg 4) also pinterest 5) @frdgngrs 6) @museelouvre 7) @elwingbling 8) @cosmic.grrl 9) @rupikaur_ 10) @rossie_edenbrow 11) @lesparisiennesdumonde 12) @sweetthangzine 13) @isabellapreisz 14) @a_painting_a_day_ 15) here 16) @subliming.jpg

7 comments

  1. eek feel honoured for something on my insta to be in your collage!! And ofc, I feel this on a levelll. About grieving for summer that has been taken away, knowing amongst all the chaos that maybe something will good eventually will come out. Ugh. Who knows. Love the poetry. Sending luv n light xxx

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    1. haha, you're just producing ace content atm!! Its all so uncertain, which is terrifying and horrible, and (at least we think) so unusual–but I was listening to a podcast that said 'when has anything ever been certain', and it is true!! so much love xox

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  2. God, do I feel everything you are talking about in this post. It's all so real.

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    1. eek, glad you could at least resonate!!! xox

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  3. I think that this post really came in at the right time! I'm really worried about the Coronavirus because I have Crohn's Disease, and so my immune system is pretty shoddy at best and I'm forced to stay inside every day. The virus has recently made it's way to my little borough of Ceredigion which is pretty concerning, and my home city is in complete lockdown.

    It's a hard time to be living in, but ultimately I believe that those of us that aren't infected can use this time to do good. Your post has captured all of the emotions that I'm feeling.

    I hope that you're staying safe during this coronavirus outbreak, and are feeling well. Have a good weekend.

    Amy x Wandering Everywhere

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    1. oh god, that must be awful - thinking of you <3 we 100% can do good and I need to remember that, rather than becoming debilitated by the anxiety!!! Hope you're well x x

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  4. i luuuuv u and i am luving your corona posts, so real and reflecting all the feelings that are emerging so perfectly. i think some good will come out of this, not sure what but defintiely something x

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Katie