November

And we're here again. 

What an exhausting week, month, year, am I right?

I have been wanting to write in order to process the chaos in my mind and my life, but every night has either been 'library then fall into bed' or 'get drunk for one last time then fall into bed', so almost no self-care has been going on in-between.  

Some nice winter views. The sunlight in these pictures makes me feel calm. One of my favourite things about Oxford is the afternoon light reflecting on the sandstone. 

It's an odd Sunday. Sunday's are always strange here, the days when I pine for a walk on the beach, or a morning to lie in bed. But instead, here is a brain dump – because I am still yet to find time to write in my journal. 

Honestly, I feel depleted by people who require emotional labour, but don't give it back. Depleted by a degree that makes me work for eight hours a day, but still isn't enough. Depleted by a world that seems to not catch a break. It. is. relentless. 

Man, I really didn't mean to moan this much. I guess I've been dealing a lot of other people's moaning without a space for my own, and I've finally found it. 

Really, this is all a bit too bitter. There have been some blissfully happy things, amongst the exhaustion and the chaos. An hour on a bench in the Botanic gardens with my best friend, mostly in silence. Nights of wine and a lot of laughter. The same cafe every day before lockdown. A 10k run that cleared my head. A Sri Lankan meal with a friend I really love. This bowl of cereal I eat whilst I write this, which I am going to refill because no one can stop this bad! bitch! The pink carnations my mum sent me money for. A night with my sister before lockdown. 

I just feel a little defeated by the world. By our government, and their appalling crisis management. By this university, which puts all the emphasis on students to solve 3am mental health crises, a product of them working us way too hard. By my lost youth, because I don't care how privileged it is. Let me have just this moment.

Anyway, back on the wheel we get. To defeat this never-ending reading list, and give too much of myself, and feel a little sad and a little lost, but mostly just perplexed.

Peace out, y'all – send some good vibes, apparently I really need them.