I am finding this new routine a little confusing, and I feel out of sync with it all. I don't have bi-weekly essays to structure my week, instead just an excessive amount of reading. So much feels scheduled, and I think perhaps that triggered the melancholy sense of monotony that got me down yesterday.
But, as my friend soothed yesterday, we have had some beautifully fun times, and there have been too many good days to count. Its just a different rhythm and a different world.
Here are some good things
Riding my bike - she's beautiful and smooth and so silent
The incremental reminder, in libraries or classes, of why I love what I do
Morning walks in the sun
Having the time to run, listening to Lizzo, and feeling my body process it all
The college cats I can see from my window
Hugging my puppy last weekend
Getting my third replacement university card, and finally getting into the libraries again
Yoghurt and granola, eaten religiously with a coffee, as I watch the world wake up
My mum transferring me money for said yoghurt, because despite it only being 1st week, I am skint (thank u student finance!)
Missing dancing, but being able to drunkenly talk instead
My friend leaving chocolate outside my room
Velcro Vejas which, despite their excessive cost, I am in love with
Oscillating between 10pm and 1am bedtimes, and finding no in between – because it's challenging my excessive need for control
Philip Glass, especially Facades and 'String Quartet no. 2 'Company', for working music
A trip to buy pens, which accidentally resulted in lunch out, and of course, no pens
So times are good, but they are strange and forever teetering on the unknown precipice.
Since being here, I've noticed the magic Sertraline has endowed, and how dulled and tame my anxiety feels. Which is a wonder, but the lack of tears is perhaps a little disconcerting, especially when I can feel how much I want them. Odd.
Tonight I am going for drinks, and tomorrow a meal, and after that I can't really think. Just plough through my reading on 1989, try and find a little more rhythm, and continue to excessively worry about what's next.
How are y'all?
(pic sources: 1) view from my window 2) @butterscotch_isle (via @sweetthangzine 3) @metmuseum 4) @ghastlypeak )
Literally, as always, so damn relatable ! God before student finance came in I was so skint for about a month, literally counting the pennies everyday. Not fun!! And made me super regret all the shit I had brought during lockdown, as well as the *obscene* amount of money I spent while I was in Bordeaux for just a mere 4 weeks. If there's anything I've learned is how quickly money travels in and out of your reality haha. Loved your beautiful reflections of the sweet and tender moments. Always a needed reminder in these weird ass times. Hope you're well!! I, too, will be drowning in reading and unable to plan things in advance bc anxiety and strangeness. Sending luv <3 <3
ReplyDeleteZoe xo
delicate--musings.blogspot.com
Yesss to you for challenging your need for control! I have, on the other hand, found myself often asleep by a certain time which just isn't like me, but I am finding the enforcement of some structure in my life quite relieving. Hope ur well sexy, speak soon, love u. also, jealous ur bike is silent, my bike is clunky as hell, but I still love her.
ReplyDeleteWhat blogger template you are using pls?
ReplyDeleteHi! Is this your last blog?
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