On the 8th September, we go back to school.
And this will be my last ever 'back to school'.
Last.
Ever.
I am terrified.
I am terrified for change and decision making and hard work and new people and lack of security and loneliness but to refrain from a mush of erratic thoughts, lets do this concisely.
On the immediate, the 'starting year 13 but thinking no further than walking through the school gates I have walked through for 6 years of my life', it feels okay.
I am looking forward to getting back into a rhythm and having everyday filled and planned and seeing people daily without the extreme effort this summer seems to have required.
I am looking forward to buying new clothes and stationary and practising the 'new me' that makes an appearance for the first 3 days then runs to hide.
But then I think beyond just that first day with my paper and pens and its a downward spiral of messy stress.
I am scared to actually officially drop one of my subjects because its commitment and closing off doors and I am not prepared to do that.
But four A-levels would also be ridiculous.
I don't know what to do and I can't make a decision but there is pressure coming from every spout to make this frigging decision. PLS.
I am scared to make uni decisions because I don't know when or how and I only have 2 ideas so far and the whole bloody plan I had devised over summer that was making me feel oh-so-chill has taken a sour turn and now feels stupid.
I am scared to write my personal statement because its the first step on this path that I am not ready to travel but don't want not to for fear of cutting off options. I also find writing personal statement things hard and what do I really have to add?
And then I am scared to be trapped in the horrific cycle of work that I got myself into last year-even though it couldn't have worked much better in grade speak. Where I lost myself and became a shell of obsession. I don't want to lose my passions and fires allover again. I don't want to feel that looming cloud of 'I've got to revise when I get home' for the next 10 months.
10 months. Is that all?
I am scared by the fact that I didn't feel peace at all last year when at school and, in my holiday with my family, I finally rediscovered my rhythm and silenced my thoughts. I felt calm and at one. And I am scared that (and know that) this will be ripped from me with the beginning of school and exams.
I am scared to lose and leave people next summer, I'm scared to begin my French plan because it might not be right and might not get me into the course I want to be on. I am scared to feel like an adult and like I am leaving home and deciding what to do in a gapyear and not wasting my time when everyone else is off having the time of their lives.
I am scared to be growing up and moving on.
Man, I am scared.
On top of this (which isn't very much but internally is a frigging mountain) I have to find a job. I have £0.83 in my bank.
How does everyone feel about back to school? As scared as I am?
Currently: Loving: Italian wafer biscuits smuggled in my suitcase--sleep//Wishing: It would stop raining, I could be on holiday and internal pressures would pipe down//Lusting: A new pair of shoes//Reading: The Primrose Path
Best of luck for the year ahead of you! x
ReplyDeletewww.57-days.blogspot.co.uk
Thank you :) x
DeleteIt's completely normal to feel this way! I can't tell you how scared I was starting my second year of college but I promise that you will get through it. I won't sugar-coat it, it was the most challenging academic year and there were so many days where I broke down and wanted to give up completely. But that doesn't mean that you will. Try breaking it down, make to-do lists if that helps and most importantly, embrace it. Even though it was so difficult, over the year I built really strong relationships with my friends and teachers and I feel like my essay writing skills and grades improved massively. One thing I would say is above all this, your health comes first. Don't go in to college if you need time to relax and look after yourself. And have faith in yourself that you are more than capable to get through it.
ReplyDeleteI didn't realise how long this was aha but I wanted to help 'cause I know how exhausting and hard it can be. Hope you're having the best day lovely - keep smiling!!
Nabeela x
http://nabsticle.blogspot.co.uk/
AHH this was so reassuring and helpful thank you!! I'm glad there are some positives too! I'll definitely take your advice when it all starts again-thank you :) xx
DeleteI definitely feel this. Starting something completely new is absolutely TERRIFYING. But once you get there, all the fear will turn into excitement and then you'll forget why you were ever scared!!! Change is scary, but necessary and really good for us!!!
ReplyDeleteYou're so full of wisdom, I crave change but am absolutely petrified by it at the same time-wouldn't it be easy to stay in your small box of comfort??
Deletethanks for the reassurance!!
I'm starting school on Monday... about to go into Year 11. Yup, GCSE's. Some people are telling me that they aren't as important as they first seem and others are telling me that I NEED to try super hard.
ReplyDeleteAleeha xXx
http://www.halesaaw.com/
I think its a bit of both, when you move onto A-Level you realise that they weren't that important but at the time they are. Work hard but don't think they are the be all and end all!
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