Overthinking


(not my pic but very apt-source)

I have consecutively read two posts about the negativity of sugar coating life through social media, of not documenting the bad alongside the good and creating an ideal life that is so unattainable.
So here is the negative and the shit that is going on in my mind to get some reality back into this world.

I am a self diagnosed hypochondriac. I used to be horrendous, my life was taken over by 'illnesses', I've been better over the past few years but since Saturday (after I woke up with an ache in my neck having slept badly because I was drunk and gave my pillows to my friend (WHY)) I have had a pain in my chest.

Its a pain that in the right of my chest, stabbing sometimes. I also have an ache that runs down my shoulder blade. My chest feels tight and I am finding breathing constrictive and hard work.
But I don't know how many of these symptoms I have made up, how many I have psychosomatically generated in my head because I think I am ill when I'm not. I don't know if my difficulty breathing is because of my anxiety or because I'm telling myself I can't breathe or if I actually can't breathe.
And, as a common sign of hypochondria, I have seeked reassurance everywhere, mostly my mum.
I have texted her and pestered her asking if I am dying and she reassures me every time that no, I have no other symptoms, no fever, no cough. I have either got some kind of virus or have pulled a muscle.

But this isn't enough, my head is exploding with possibilities, mostly centring around cancer. So much so that on my 'Frequently visited' on safari, NHS Stomach Cancer symptoms features.
But I can't stop thinking. What if?
"Go to the doctors" you all scream. But I can't. Because going to the doctors could actually result in being told I have something wrong with me, could actually be the news that I have practiced receiving almost everyday for 6 years.
I can't go to the doctors because they will listen to my chest and will say "We need to send you for tests". And even if they don't, as they didn't the time I thought I had a brain tumour or pancoastal cancer or meningitis, they might have got something wrong. People tell you not to worry, that worrying is like walking round with an umbrella up waiting for it to rain (or something like that) but if I worry than I am expectant, if I worry I have predicted the worst.

I feel sick and I feel shaky and I feel exhausted and these are all symptoms of something serious but also symptoms of just bloody overthinking.

And I don't know what's real or made up any more and I can't focus or feel normal because this fear is eating me up inside.
I don't know what to do but it's making everyday such hard work.

So there's some real life stuff for y'all.
Its not a pity post its just my head.

If I do actually die, this will be a humorous kind of memoir.


**
I probably do need to go and see someone about this but the illness aint the point of this post ygm? Also, it was written in 10 minutes as the shit ran from my head to my fingers so probs not my finest work.

8 comments

  1. I really hope you don't die (and I don't think you will). But if you do, what beautifully written posts will I look forward too?? All my love your way.
    -maddie
    sundaysaresunny.com

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    1. I'm trying my hardest not too!! (I don't think (ahh) I will either) Thank you so much xx

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  2. I've always had anxiety. I used to get panic attacks as a kid and felt like I couldn't breathe -- it was horrible! I am a hypochondriac too, so you are definitely not alone. My family and friends love to tease me about it, but because they don't struggle with anxiety, they don't understand it fully. Trust me, talking to a therapist definitely helps! I've come to understand that my anxiety is triggered by stress, so learning how to channel it through exercise, yoga, etc. makes a world of difference. It gets better, I promise.

    Natalie Was Here

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    1. I know exactly how you feel about people teasing you, they don't see it as a 'real' thing. Thank you for your kind words, I think I'll finally have to accept that a therapist is the way forward and like you say, finding ones triggers so you can avoid anxiety overload. Thank you x

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  3. There are two different people: ones who want to know exact time, location, day they will die and ones who dont want to know at all, and both are normal. It may help your head to find out what MAY be wrong with your health, but it's totally normal to not want to know. It's terrifying finding out if something is wrong because then what's the next step? DEATH!?!?!?! Our brains are so damn confusing and stressed out all of the time, mine never stops thinking, I completely understand this. So, just know that you're not alone when you have these feelings and get help when you're ready!!

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    1. Thank you thank you thank you, you seem so calm and level headed. I think I've planned a vague day next week to go to the doctors if I have no sign of improvement, until then I'll just try and forget about it and carry on with normal life. So reassuring to know I'm not alone in this (what feels like) madness!!

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  4. See the problem with me is I know I'm not ill, but I think every tiny thing could be cancer so I end up searching the symptoms and trying to fit them all to my case. The reason I never go to a doctor is because I don't want to be embarrassed and hear them say that i'm fine every time.
    Aleeha xXx
    http://www.halesaaw.com/

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    1. I relate to this soo much ugh isn't it awful?xx

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Katie