Insouciance

It was when I stopped searching for home within others
and lifted the foundations of home within myself
I found there were no roots more intimate
than those between a mind and a body
that have decided to be whole.
-Rupi Kaur



Life has been tough these past few days.
I get into a habit of documenting the tough and this makes me fear that I rarely experience contentedness. I don't think this is true. Note to self, write some happy stuff once in a while.
I feel as though I am running an obstacle course of resilience, as though everything is trying to push me a little harder to see when I will break.
I broke today in the most public and vulnerable way but that isn't really the moral of this story.
There isn't really any moral.
Other than, asking people for help is good. They often do everything in their power to ease the strain.
And reliance on people is bad. They mess up.
And a damp school yard feels a dramatic place to expose your inner fears.
And history A-level is hard.
And pressure is hard.
And that feeling like you have nothing to look forward to is hard.
And being lonely is hard. Everyone creating a life for themselves outside of you, being left to think-and what now?
And social media creates false constructs of how life is supposed to be. Because in the words of Stephen Chbosky, I am both happy and sad and still figuring out how this can be. And I think this is life.
And some people are the kindest people you will meet. They engulf you in their arms to relieve your pain.
And social media really is bad.
And autumn light is so beautiful, the way it caresses the leaves with a soft, evanescent glow.
And insouciance is what I crave but will probably never find.

I hope people's lives are going okay.
I am figuring out what life is supposed to mean. Its scary.
I love talking about fears and problems in metaphorical ways so I would thoroughly enjoy an email or two if people felt they had something to share.
Some nice words or your fears or a poem you found or your favourite word.
jumpingsmarties99@gmail.com
yeh-I'm the kid that regrets their 7 year old email.
But still uses it.

Thank you for letting me whine and moan in the way I find easiest.

"She'd come again, with a greedy ear and devour up my discourse"-Othello

14 comments

  1. i dropped history because i HATED IT, but i'm taking english lit and for some reason i just can't get the grade i want on my essays! i'll keep going though. do you keep a journal? you can document the happy things in there, and as for looking forward to something you should plan something with your friends for the end of the school year! it's really fun, and it's nice break from all of the other stuff that we (or i, anyway) need to do such as ucas and extra work, etc.
    keep going though!!! you'll make it xo

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    1. AHH thank you for major reassurance and calm advice. I do both History and English (i know) and LOVE history but I can't friggin stand the coursework its killing me!! Such a great idea-hopefully we are going to do some Europe travelling woo! thank you x

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    2. p.s hope you manage to smash those essays eventually!!

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  2. Love your blog layout!
    enchantedclub.blogspot.com


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  3. Ahhhh, I feel everything in this post. Y'know, personally, i had/have to find happiness within myself because you're right, reliance on people is definitely bad. They sometimes don't know how to react or respond or comfort you, maybe it's not their fault (or maybe it is) but that's the truth. I've been able to help myself in forgetting what I'm feeling, which ends up working or completely failing, but I don't know, I just depend on myself for the most part. Overall, we'll be okay. We will be, it just takes some time. On another note: I HAVE AN EMBARRASSING EMAIL THAT I STILL USE. Let's just say I use 'nerd' in it, ahahhahaa.

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    1. Yes omg I relate so much. I need to find how I can forget what I'm feeling and stop myself from thinking because, while it sounds kinda dangerous to do that, I stop myself from enjoying time alone (like painting or whatever) because I'm stressing that I shouldn't enjoy time alone. God, minds. Thank you for reassurance, its always so nice to know i aint the only one. hahahahah okay I feel better about mine-WHY DID WE A) MAKE THEM AND B) STILL USE THEM???

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  4. UGH I feel you on this, I RLLY do. The feeling of emptiness when you wake up and know you have nothing to look forward to?!? it's the worst out of everything. I hope you feel better soon qt x

    Noor's Place

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  5. UGH I couldn't relate more to these words. The feeling of emptiness when you wake up and know there's nothing to look forward to, it's the worst. I have a fear of failure and the feeling of emptiness feels like a failure as well.

    I hope you feel better soon qt x

    Noor's Place

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    1. Yes you feel that too?!
      Thank you thank you :) xx

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  6. Sending you all the love in the world girl <3 the fear of failure and not being good enough is something we all struggle with to varying degrees, and I promise it'll get easier with time xx
    www.britishmermaid.com

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    1. thank you for your kind words my love :) x

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  7. What are all the A-Levels that you decided to do?
    By the way, I love your new header!
    Aleeha xXx
    http://www.halesaaw.com/

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    1. For AS I did English Lit, History, Geog and French for A2 I am dropped French-I love them but sososo much writing. Thank you fancied something new!!x

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Katie