Insouciance

It was when I stopped searching for home within others
and lifted the foundations of home within myself
I found there were no roots more intimate
than those between a mind and a body
that have decided to be whole.
-Rupi Kaur

Life has been tough these past few days.
I get into a habit of documenting the tough and this makes me fear that I rarely experience contentedness. I don't think this is true. Note to self, write some happy stuff once in a while.
I feel as though I am running an obstacle course of resilience, as though everything is trying to push me a little harder to see when I will break.
I broke today in the most public and vulnerable way but that isn't really the moral of this story.
There isn't really any moral.
Other than, asking people for help is good. They often do everything in their power to ease the strain.
And reliance on people is bad. They mess up.
And a damp school yard feels a dramatic place to expose your inner fears.
And history A-level is hard.
And pressure is hard.
And that feeling like you have nothing to look forward to is hard.
And being lonely is hard. Everyone creating a life for themselves outside of you, being left to think-and what now?
And social media creates false constructs of how life is supposed to be. Because in the words of Stephen Chbosky, I am both happy and sad and still figuring out how this can be. And I think this is life.
And some people are the kindest people you will meet. They engulf you in their arms to relieve your pain.
And social media really is bad.
And autumn light is so beautiful, the way it caresses the leaves with a soft, evanescent glow.
And insouciance is what I crave but will probably never find.

I hope people's lives are going okay.
I am figuring out what life is supposed to mean. Its scary.
I love talking about fears and problems in metaphorical ways so I would thoroughly enjoy an email or two if people felt they had something to share.
Some nice words or your fears or a poem you found or your favourite word.
jumpingsmarties99@gmail.com
yeh-I'm the kid that regrets their 7 year old email.
But still uses it.

Thank you for letting me whine and moan in the way I find easiest.

"She'd come again, with a greedy ear and devour up my discourse"-Othello