sunday; 22:14

Loneliness.

On Friday I said goodbye to my friends, perhaps until Christmas, or until I organise to visit them.
I thought I was going to be okay and rebuked any concern that I might get lonely or that I would need to meet new friends.
"I'll feel connected enough" I thought in response.
It was a strange day, feeling markedly like the end. But when it came down to it, in true Katie fashion, I cried. And cried. And cried.
Hugging my best friend, of whom I have seen everyday for 10 years, in the pouring rain and darkness, with tears streaming down my face and weak cries of anguish. I looked into their faces and thought fuck, "I'm doing it on my own now".
And as I walked away I had a burning panic of suffocation, "I need to run back, I need to see their faces, I can't leave them". I suppose it was kind of pathetic, but I had known them for so long, we had, in many ways, become each other.

But now I am lonely.
Fuck, I am so lonely.

Loneliess is a taboo, it makes me feel lame and antisocial, when in reality I'm just lost and anxious, faced with unprecedented change.
And I'm watching (what feels like the world) have fun and meet new people and I feel isolated and empty.
I have these overwhelming moments of panic where I vanish into a shell of my being, silent, vacant. I then cry and cry, repeat a conversation of fear, that must occur on a weekly basis, walk away my trepidation, and feel a little more calm. In some ways, it provides a coping mechanism, in others its terrifying. I feel entirely detached from the world around me, numbed and distant. It does pass but it heightens the anxiety. I am, eventually, going to seek help for my mental health because its ruining me and I want to be freed from the demon of fear. I talk about this as there is still, undoubtedly, a stigma surrounding our minds, making it even harder to overcome the challenges that I'm facing. And when I read about other people's MH I feel less isolated, so maybe it will help you. I dunno.

I'm frightened of the year ahead, its relentless nature, the lack of fun, companionship, enjoyment, the way all these new experiences are ruining my mental health. And to feel so very alone makes it oh so much worse, feeling like a burden to contact people but detached from the world that I know.
A world that feels it no longer exists.
I don't know how I'm going to cope with this loneliness, if I am honest.
But I will start with self-love. Not beating myself up for relying on my family, spending time with my mum. I will reach out to people online, put more effort into the blogging world, organise to visit friends, and maybe find a new job. I'll fill my head with podcasts, my mind with books, change my surroundings and my routine.

And I hope to learn to love myself, so profusely, that the empty spaces don't feel so empty anymore.

***
In other news, I found an amazing Swedish shop in Nottingham when I visited at the weekend, am in the manic process of applying to Oxford for History (I think), have some ideas for an online book club kinda thing (which if anyones interested in, watch this space, probs) and am looking for a new pen pal.
Also, in the space between writing the main body and this footnote, I have booked a therapy session. Part of me hates sharing this online, in the fear that someone I know will read it and vilify me, but I also know its important because it makes me feel more connected, its marginally therapeutic and reminds others that its okay to feel lonely, whilst also documenting the realities of my gap year. Its also a step towards being "kind to myself" which was this years goal.