20:49

ce soir, je me sens un peu seule.
In fact, I feel every emotion.
Except the good ones*

bleurgh.


I am feeling an amalgamation of every fear and every sadness and every loneliness and every trigger is causing me to existentially fret and I think my mind might combust.



And I just want to lie on my floor
and
cry.

current thoughts: gap year (sick of work, dullness, losing motivation, bored), travelling (not happening even tho I want it to and why am I not fucking getting on and doing it), Oxford (not clever enough, not posh enough (even tho I detest that stereotype), not motivated enough, won't fit in, won't make friends, homesickness, loneliness), degree choice (should I be doing English? (no.)), me (am I the saddest human alive, also feeling ugly, stupid), friends (does it matter that my friends don't live in my city?), pressure ("force yourself to stay in your room tonight Katie because its lame to spend time with your family"), January (dark, cold), motivation (lack of), procrastination (not booking French course, based entirely on the fact I don't like phone calls), brain (what the fuck is wrong w me, why haven't I felt like myself for a while), love (will I ever find it), tears (why aren't they coming)...

This is so drenched in repulsive narcissism. But I don't have space in my brain to worry about that.

To save the utter self indulgence of this post, comment below your current thoughts, good or bad.

*(disclaimer: I am fine, just hormonal and prone to bursts of existentialism)

13 comments

  1. Same same same. I am dealing with some of these things as well. It's the transition from young adult to adult that is making life difficult. I'm not use to doing things on my own and I don't want to make life choices. What if they are the wrong ones and I can't go back after they are made. Life's overwhelming.

    But I try to be positive and not clump all my worries together unless I want to feel really emotional. Sometimes tears are helpful. :P

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    1. yes!!! totally having that crisis at the moment, 100% don't want to be an adult...yes I love the therapeutic cleanse after crying haha x

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  2. Travelling can be hard to do and it's so hard to find a time where you're financially comfy enough to go and also ready to go but there are trips you will go on and things to see in the world so don't worry about travelling! Also you have your whole life to travel and maybe when you're at Oxford (despite the posh stereotype not being overly true as it's prestigious place of education aka they want the smarts not the posh) you can meet a rich friend who will take you skiing or something. Doesn't matter to not feel like yourself because Katie but if it overwhelms you there is help you can get!! And don't forgot always got people to talk to and creativity to turn to in times you feel bad. Gap year may have boring times but will also hold so many great times and you get more time with your cat.. win win
    constantlylibby.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. yessssss pining for that rich friend lol (gold digger?) Thanks for all the reassurance gal, you're the best x

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  3. g, I feel you! It's actually good that you've written this post - hopefully you felt relieved when you hit 'publish'? Sometimes it's healing af to let out all of this negativity, to confront all of the little things that are making you feel shitty. I was literally going through similar emotions on Tuesday - period came, I had just spent sat/sun/and mon with one person which was intense, I was feeling doubtful, worried, embarrassed, scared. There's a double page in my diary on that day that just has the word 'FUCK' sprawled massively across the two pages. But the weather was nice despite my personal grey cloud, so I fucked it all and went for a walk. The best decision I ever made and now I know I have my own personal remedy. Find yours! anything practical that sorta makes you subconsciously push all the negative shit to the corner of your mind and focus on something else. Or eat some chocolate digestives with tea, binge watch some shows, then have a good fucking sleep. That works sometimes too haha! Sending you positive vibesss and the general mannerism of shaking off (physically/mentally) the existential crisis! xoxoxox

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    1. yesssss walks are my literal life saver, if I don't get out the house every morning I can guarantee my head will be bad. Thank you my love, hoping the feelings ease a lil soon xx

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  4. i feeeeeeeel all of this girl! n even though it takes a while to actually stop these thoughts (who knows if they even stop lmao pls HELP) its good to kno that ur not alone in thinking this way. its also good to let these thoughts out because after reading my own thoughts in my post all i ever think is DAMN i am sure dramatic! do whatever ur heart is set on, go in with fear n excitement, everything happens for a reason, n if u make the wrong decision u still have all of the time in the world to fix it! we are so young n barely becoming adults which is scary, but also can be thrilling. im sure the crisis will end soon, just to come back in a few months lmao but u will get thru this!! good luck girly <3

    a fucking look

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    1. ahhh yes so good to know I'm not all alone with these feelings, definitely need to learn to let it all just be and see what happens. Thank you my love xx

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  6. I think writing our thoughts down is definitely I good way to vent about it. I can relate with the whole uni scenario, I'm so tired about thinking about it! I hate calling it a 'gap year' for me as I didn't choose to have it but it's definitely bringing a lot of the same questions to light as you. Think its the fear of the unknown about whats going to happen that scares me I suppose. Just remind yourself life will always work itself out and if you want something, go and get it gal! Try and clear your mind, have a relaxing bath or something and then write down everything you want to achieve in life regardless of self doubts/ other peoples opinions. I have to do this to remind myself of what I really want and to stop the judgement of others effect my choices!

    Lucy Jane | Infinity of Fashion

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    1. i feel like we've got so much time to think about it that its like fuck am i doing the right thing??? yes, the fear of unknown is ruining me but lets just go out and get it! Its OUR lives gallll xx

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  7. I totally love this post. Your blog looks amazing, I'm definitely staying here :)

    www.itsclaudiag.com

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Katie