ugh


A brain dump.
Yes, my last post was an existential crisis. And this one is too. But I feel sad.
So here's my head.
In its most vulnerable fashion.
I feel lonely. I feel socially lonely and romantically lonely.
I feel bleurgh about the fact I have so few friends in this stagnant city, that they're dispersed across the country and are living their separate lives and I feel shit about spending my nights alone, even though I sort of enjoy this. I also don't want to make new friends in this city of mine because I'm so ready to move on and away but then also do want to because I need newness. I feel fucked that my gap year isn't "fucking wild" but just sort of life and that's not what its supposed to be (this is, in fact, what its supposed to be because its just another part of life but societal expectations etc)...and that other people have so many friends and are having so much fun and hey shouldn't I be doing that? (shouldn't I be getting smashed every night to prove I'm having the time of my life, whilst simultaneously filling incessant gaps in my mental health? Shouldn't I be spending every night out loving life? Will I ever feel like I'm loving life?)
also.
WILL PEOPLE STOP FUCKING ASKING ME IF I'M "uhm travelling in your gap year?" GET OFF MY BACK BEFORE I CRUMBLE INTO A PILE OF SELF LOATHING.

((vulnerability)) I am craving romantic engagement, I am lusting after investment and interest and someone just to talk to. I fear commitment and attachment but also just want something. To understand how I truly feel about about this topic read Zoe's post because she talks about what I'm too lol awkward to talk about and I'm shit at openness beyond existentialism.
Yeh. I feel very alone. 
Okay. Katie, stop with the italics.

But I also know for the good bits (trips to Budapest, Manchester, Paris, Barcelona, Birmingham, Brighton–yes, self recognise there's so much good happening) the shit has to happen, you have to work to have money to survive to have fun.

I know these are just January blues. And they will pass. But they also feel like they are plunging me into an abyss of darkness, under a cloak of stagnation, as though nothing around me is changing. Where do I meet new people (that don't live 10,000 miles away from me who I can only see for 3 hours every 3 months) who are fun and save me from loneliness but also not too invested; I descended into a sort of pathetic sporadic mess of tears after I fell in love (realised I fall in love much too easily) and then was discarded after the most superficial engagement so fuck, what's the real thing going to be like?

I also feel unwholey (that isn't even a word) unmotivated. In e-v-e-r-y way; I spend my mornings before work achieving approximately 2 things on a list of 10 and this makes me feel like I'm simply surviving and its grating on my mental health. I feel as though I'm pushing up a hill with a massive fucking boulder on my shoulders. I want to read and run and do yoga and mindfulness and write and create and meet people and change the world but I'm just plagued with the nausea of anxiety.
And it wasn't supposed to be like this.

Another realisation: getting so smashed you can't remember what happened isn't, in actuality, that fun, despite forever thinking it successfully removes inhibitions. It just sort of messes up your life for the next few days.

Fu-uh-ck.

some good things: Libby (meeting for a drink, even if only for a few hours), Manchester (a night away with my best friends, feeling so at home in their hearts, having insurmountable fun and drama), travelling (booking a trip to Budapest with said friends, plans to travel to Barcelona alone (!) which is a serious bucket list amirite???, Paris), writing (because it isn't really helping at the moment, but it will), makeup (because its the only thing making me feel marginally good about myself atm).

Even writing this doesn't feel that therapeutic. I just don't feel like myself. In my head, I categorise periods of time with feelings. January will be a bad feeling.

The final panic. Oxford. (yeh I'm so lucky its like the second best uni in the fucking world but I've gotta keep it real and I'm freaking oooout). I haven't written an essay in like 7 months (how do I do it again?) and don't have the motivation to reengage with the subject. I'm also freaking out that its not the uni experience that society tells me I want but I don't actually really want. I crave a mix of clubbing and antics and academia and fun and hard work but am so stressed I won't find it. And I won't survive and I won't meet my people and will hate it (but I'd be freaking out wherever I was going so its ok.)

Okay. I feel so very far from myself right now.
Will these feelings pass.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.


so yeah. someone love me (because i don't love myself) and save me (because i can't save myself)
(yes i can. i've done it before)

(fuck count in this post: 8 (sorry if my profanity offends you))


8 comments

  1. I get you because my year is panning out pretty similar. I keep telling myself I need something new, a new place, new people, new feelings to even just grow because right now it feels like I'm stuck almost descending on myself because I'm not socialising like I used to or learning like I used to, I'm just there. All I can say is if you feel like your loosing yourself, start little things to bring that back. Make a plan every week for you to look forward to, even if its just going for a walk or chatting to someone start building a positive life back. Research things to help yourself, for me I've started meditation this year and I would really recommend it. It feels so lonely when everyone and everything feels so far away but it will get better! Also, if you're ever back in Manchester let me know, we can build new friendships together! Sending all my love!x

    Lucy Jane | Infinity of Fashion

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    1. yessss just sort of floating/existing?? meditation sounds great, i've been meaning to start doing headspace for so long but man I can be the most unmotivated shit some times. I know it'll help in the long run though so I need to get my ass in gear! I'm already starting to feel the beginnings of the light which is rewarding. YES definitely! I'd love that, I probably will be in manchester for a night out in the not too distant future so i'll hit you up! Sending lots of love xx

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  2. I was literally gonna comment something similar to "The only way is through" because it's so true. You just have to accept that these feelings are present and strong, and just ride it thru b!! And ugh mate it go so much for me that I actually wrote a bloody blog post about it hahah - we're all feeling it: the desire for sex, romance - the wHOLE SHABANG. And it's not vulnerable to admit it - it's human! All I can say is that it will come when you least expect it, so just hold tite and don't think about searching for it too much. It sounds like there are several stressful things starting to manifest, and you just need to think about them all separately and rationally and calmly, and that takes time. It's good that you've documented the GOOD things. Going to Barcelona alone?! That's AMAZING. Just remember these amazing things that you have to look forward to, and focus on gearing yourself up for it mentally, physically and spiritually in the PRESENT. xxx

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    1. ahh Zoe you're always so wise you literally verbalise my intangible thoughts every time. I know I've got so much exiciting to look forward but I guess its the realisation that not all of life can be that hyped excitement of a night out or a trip or travelling or something??? Hahah glad I'm not alone in those feelings sisteerrr xx

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  3. Imagine if someone was offended by the swearing, what a world! It's okay though because this feeling will pass eventually, and you are doing so much with your gap year in my eyes (so annoying when everyone just automatically links gap year with travelling WITH WHAT MONEY FRIENDS) but you're learning French and creating and sewing and writing and reading- you're just doing so much! And you don't even see it! But bitch I'm proud of you and everything you've done so far and for all the other things that are going to happen for you. I wish you could see all this but eventually you will and for now I hope you find something that gives you a little more joy and eventually it will all build up and you'll have so much joy in your heart but whilst the joy isn't there keep on doing what you're doing (except like if you find anything else that makes u happy maybe do that as well) and things will get better x

    constantlylibby.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. hahah they couldnt be friends with me because almost every other word in my vocabulary is a swear word (lol they just describe everything so perfectly!!!) Thank you my lovee, you're support means thaa world xx

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  4. Someone thats put how I feel into words... Especially with the romantic shit because fking same but seriously even though you might feel like your gap year sucks because your in a daily grind of just working it's such a small time of your life so try and enjoy it even though it might feel hard. Try and not focus on the negatives and thing about all the cool things that you have achieved and will achieve. sending lots of love x
    http://sputniksweetheartn.blogspot.com.au/

    http://sputniksweetheartn.blogspot.com.au/


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    1. SUCH a frustrating feeling?!!? Definitely agreed, I know when I look back I'll be like 'shit that was actually such a sick time of my life?!'. Right back at you x

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Katie