musings #3

(I love the earthy yellows and greens of this mood board, offset with delicate blues and pinks–it radiates warmth. It makes me yearn for summer heat and days in the countryside and new places, as always none of these pics are my own and all can be found here)

i am

dreaming of: summer sun, a different body, familiarity, holidays, sleep, being fluent in French, companionship

thinking about: a lot, too much, all of which was written down in a post then deleted because positivity breeds positivity. But in essence: whats the point if it ends? am i a bad person? political disengagement, self worth, speaking out and up and not living alone with your torment, being good enough

feeling: tired, hungover, adventurous, proud, happy, disorientated, loved, unloved

reading: Larchfield (strange)

happy because: I spent a weekend meeting people who are just as genuine and candid and real as their online selves portray, my mum made my bed so I had the heaven of fresh sheets to fall into at 2am this morning, I spent last night dancing

sad because: I am growing up, people change, my room is a mess

spending time: working, a weekend in Oxford, Barcelona, London/Brighton, seeing old friends, getting lost in the drama of familiarity, packing, unpacking, not really stopping, drinking gin, becoming accustomed to wine, buying new clothes, tricking myself I'm ready for my driving test, stroking my cat, wasting on time on social media and hating it

listening to: George Ezra's new album, Tom Rosenthal 'the pleasure was all mine, miguel', Georges Bizet 'carmen: suite no.2'

wishing i could: write, especially something fictional, and not feel so lost and stuck as soon as I sit down to type

refraining from buying: (I've bought quite a few new items recently, maybe I'll showcase them but...) Stan Smith trainers (everyone in Barcelona wore them and ugh!!), a new rucksack, some fancy writing paper, boring (and expensive) essentials (external hard-drive, SD card because mine snapped in my bag– goodbye £100 on nothing)

thankful for: friends, old and new, the excitement of the past few weeks, the money I make because it makes these things possible, my mum, my cat

life is: exciting, stimulating, new, unfamiliar, adventurous, rewarding. But also tiring. I need to sleep for a few days and then evaluate just how cool the past few weeks have been.

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