some thoughts

Its a sunny thursday and I felt the need to write. I spent last night staring at a blank screen trying to transfer my messy thoughts to words on the page. It didn't work but I figured it was a bit depressing anyway.
Spring sun soothes my soul. It makes me feel bright and alive and excited for summer, I just hope it sticks around.  Life has been busy and, in the comedown to reality and return to work, I have found myself feeling lethargic and sad. Its a sort of burning nostalgia that cuts through, a craving for the past, a pining for the future, a desire for anything but now.
It is as though the world, in its unfathomable beauty, exists just out of reach. I can see the beauty but not be a part of it.

I am finding myself thinking about growing up a lot and adulthood and the automatic link my mind makes between this and dullness. I have a (hopefully false) preconception of adulthood that is built upon binary standards, convention, punishing expectation, routine, 'house and 2 kids stagnation. Its a world I don't want to conform to.

Self-love is proving a challenge and there appears to be a war breaking out between my mind and body. I am hoping the caressing touch of the sun will ease this pain. Its sort of exhausting to be built upon so much hate.

Wanderlust is getting the best of me and, whilst my savings are intended for university, I find myself dreaming of splashing them all and booking a holiday. I say this as though I am spending my summer at home. I have 4 (exciting) trips booked (as you can imagine, uni saving isn't going well) but I still long for the adventure of last summer, our interrailing adventure across Europe and the excitement and adventure that ensued. I suppose that's what I mean by nostalgia.
My mind is chasing images of weeks exploring the corners of rustic Italy or swimming in the Mediterranean or wandering the streets of Nice's vieille ville and letting the foreign language slip off my tongue with a fantasy fluency. I sort of want to be anywhere but home.
Maybe I'll explore ways to travel, ways to add another holiday onto the end of my summer. I'm already missing 2 weeks of work (but haven't told them), I guess another 2 won't hurt?!

I've been finding myself feeling fucked off at the state of the world and the nature of humanity. Do we ever learn? The news can become so overwhelming one is rendered paralysed by a sense of helplessness. Its hard to think so big. It also makes you question your own privileged problems. Are feelings valid if people locally, nationally, globally have it so much worse than you do? I then get stressed that I'm putting my first-world stresses on par with global catastrophe. Obviously I'm not but you find yourself in a state of "what can I do?"

The countdown to uni feels as though it has begun, I am inexplicably ready to move on. Life here is comfortable, safe but I need newness, excitement. I crave new faces, new experiences, education. Saying this, I have also realised (disclaimer: sorry to anyone who has exams lol) how blissful it is to not have exams. To know my place at uni is guaranteed, to know I can spend these spring days reading and walking and taking it all in. To know that, for the first time in 4 years, I can enjoy the months of April, May and June and appreciate them for what they are.

The next few days are full of work, cocktail drinking, cake baking, sewing, beach walking and sleep. I'm craving a new piercing and spending my days practicing for my driving test. The key is to cut down on the "fuck fuck fuck" and "what a knob" because I don't think they'll go down too well with the examiner. I want to get  back into photo taking but that requires a new SD card, and that can't happen until payday (because I went a little too hard on spending on eating out/going out this month–I'm actually a bit ashamed). I'm also questioning whether I can justify buying both stan smiths and nike internationalists. The answer is no. But I'm still trying.

And finally, there's some fun new posts coming up. I feel I am harking back to the old days of 2013 but I have a haul and some favourites and some recent reads to share with you all. I also want to do something combining a few pictures and adventures from last summers interrail because I never shared them.
Through the funk I have found myself in, these self-love instas have provided a lot of wisdom:
sadgirlsclub
nobodysdarlingblog
tristamateer
ramonaforgirls
ambivalentlyyours
check them out!

I hope you're all well, enjoying the sun and feeling a little more coherent than me. lol.

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