calm amongst the chaos

This christmas has been a weird one–filled with tears and family dramas but also laughs and fond memories and happiness.  I haven't really been able to relax (possibly perpetuated by my total exhaustion) and have a strong sense of undeserving: of relaxation, of calm, of food, of enjoyment. But despite the inner voice, I've relished time spent in pyjamas, with family and copious quantities of delicious food. Another Christmas will come, and perhaps I will be able to pass that one with a little more ease.


In hindsight, my somewhat dampened enjoyment was possibly caused by the numerous nights of 2 hours sleep that have occurred in the past week and this, along with being ill, has caused an overwhelming fatigue–my sleep pattern has been so messed up.

As was the case last year, here are 3 questions and 3(?) answers.
Leave yours below.

Something that makes you smile.
Having my brother home for Christmas.
Cranberry sauce.
New pyjamas, of which I now have numerous pairs and am struggling to find time to wear them all.
A Soviet Spy book I received for Christmas, which encompasses 2 of my favourite things.
Dancing, with old and dear friends and, in a complicated way, the drama that encircles a night out.
The exciting prospects of the year ahead.

Something that makes you sad.
The relentless and internal pressure, a voice that never leaves, that never allows rest.
The future of my brother, in an organisation I neither agree with nor see the appeal of.
That days spent together, at a slow and loving pace, occurring so infrequently.

Something you wish to achieve.
The silence of the internal voice.
Harmony with my sister.
A fluency in the language of love (meaning French, not romance lol)

I am currently suffering from a night out that rolled into a 6 hour family road trip, the start of which I was most definitely still drunk. Last night was weird, it was in one of my least favourite clubs but I think I had a good time? It ended with drama which left today feeling somewhat stressed and caused multiple outcries of "oh for fuck sake", creating a situation in which I feel trapped but, due to severe insecurity, am incapable of denying.
Bleurgh.
Its pretty messy but I feel vulnerable discussing it, maybe a 2018 goal will be to discuss more romantic-y shit. This already makes me feel uncomfortable because, as I am beginning to learn, I am catastrophically appalling at expressing my emotions but hey, you don't grow when you're comfortable.
I should probably also learn to say no as a 2018 goal.
Thats pretty important.

How were your christmases? What answers do you have for the above questions?

today's musing: this podcast, which is so so good. Its about the power of emotions, ways to tackle negativity and feels like a warm and safe conversation with your mum. Give it a listen.

11 comments

  1. Here's to killing that inner voice in 2018!!! This Christmas was surprisingly chill, which was lovely. Something that makes me smile is reading in the winter sunlight, which I spent an hour or so doing today. Something about the winter sun is so peaceful and crisp, and definitely different to the summer sun!! What makes me sad is fear and uncertainty, which are clouding over every single aspect of my life atm haha :/ I'm hoping that the illusion of the new year will allow me to start afresh and recollect the order in my life! And something I hope to achieve is chILLING THE FUCK OUT, taking this slowly and in good time too. Good luck with everything my g! Love n' light xxxxx

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    1. ahh your christmas sounds lovely, reading is the best way to pass a day. I'm with you on the fear and uncertainty and the need to chill out, but we can do it–2018 is gonna be our year. You too my love xx

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  2. Opening up your blog to more vulnerable topics is difficult but it does help. I can't wait to see where you take your blog. In the short time I have followed your blog I have already seen lots of openness so I am looking forward to reading more.
    Simply Me

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    1. ahh thank you, I'm hoping to find some solace in the openness :)X

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  3. Christmas this year has defo been a strange one! It's been a roller-coaster of emotions and exhaustion for me too. I think blogging about stresses and dramas (to an extent..) always help you to look at things differently. I think my answers are relatively similar to yours; having my friends and family home for christmas has been so amazing, and has made me very appreciative. Something that makes me sad, is how it seems like I never see some of my closest friends anymore; it's this whole growing on up thing... but I guess we're all growing and changing all the time? Hope you had a lovely Christmas and are feeling a little less ill now! x x

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    1. ahh yeh that's getting me down too...I'm already worrying a lot about my friends going back to uni in January and not seeing them for 2 months :( This year has definitely been all about change–kind of tiring isn't it?! hope you had a good one too, best wishes for 2018 m'love x x

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  4. Katie this is such a lovely post! All of your writing is so beautifully reflective and genuine - you're never afraid of actually talking about life which is weirdly so refreshing. idek what I'm saying now. something that makes me happy - the sky at night, dogs, feeling like I'm growing. (Not physically - I'm currently five foot nine and think that that's a good place to stop). Something that makes me sad - working without results, people being unnecessarily cruel, lonely old people. Something I wish to achieve - a feeling of satisfaction with myself, more connections with more people. Sorry for the word vomit and sorry that I never actually comment on your blog; I always read your posts and they're always so funny and perceptive so I really should lol, just gotta actually log into my gmail account. I hope you've now recovered from that night! xx

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    1. hahah thanks Esme, thats so sweet. I guess I enjoy dramatising/catastrophising my life and this is the result! I so so get that thing about feeling sad for lonely old people, when they're in a cafe alone and oh my heart. I'm glad you like my posts so much and I hope you manage to achieve some of those goals in 2018–best wishes xx

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  5. I am craving cranberry sauce a lot now ~ I love reading your blog and so please do discuss romanticy shit c:
    But seriously I hope you have a wonderful 2018 filled with love, good vibes and good times! Happy new year x
    https://sputniksweetheartn.blogspot.com.au/

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Thank you for taking your time to comment and read my blog- I really appreciate it!
I always read and reply to comments so don't forget to check back to see my reply!
Katie