calm amongst the chaos

This christmas has been a weird one–filled with tears and family dramas but also laughs and fond memories and happiness.  I haven't really been able to relax (possibly perpetuated by my total exhaustion) and have a strong sense of undeserving: of relaxation, of calm, of food, of enjoyment. But despite the inner voice, I've relished time spent in pyjamas, with family and copious quantities of delicious food. Another Christmas will come, and perhaps I will be able to pass that one with a little more ease.

In hindsight, my somewhat dampened enjoyment was possibly caused by the numerous nights of 2 hours sleep that have occurred in the past week and this, along with being ill, has caused an overwhelming fatigue–my sleep pattern has been so messed up.

As was the case last year, here are 3 questions and 3(?) answers.
Leave yours below.

Something that makes you smile.
Having my brother home for Christmas.
Cranberry sauce.
New pyjamas, of which I now have numerous pairs and am struggling to find time to wear them all.
A Soviet Spy book I received for Christmas, which encompasses 2 of my favourite things.
Dancing, with old and dear friends and, in a complicated way, the drama that encircles a night out.
The exciting prospects of the year ahead.

Something that makes you sad.
The relentless and internal pressure, a voice that never leaves, that never allows rest.
The future of my brother, in an organisation I neither agree with nor see the appeal of.
That days spent together, at a slow and loving pace, occurring so infrequently.

Something you wish to achieve.
The silence of the internal voice.
Harmony with my sister.
A fluency in the language of love (meaning French, not romance lol)

I am currently suffering from a night out that rolled into a 6 hour family road trip, the start of which I was most definitely still drunk. Last night was weird, it was in one of my least favourite clubs but I think I had a good time? It ended with drama which left today feeling somewhat stressed and caused multiple outcries of "oh for fuck sake", creating a situation in which I feel trapped but, due to severe insecurity, am incapable of denying.
Bleurgh.
Its pretty messy but I feel vulnerable discussing it, maybe a 2018 goal will be to discuss more romantic-y shit. This already makes me feel uncomfortable because, as I am beginning to learn, I am catastrophically appalling at expressing my emotions but hey, you don't grow when you're comfortable.
I should probably also learn to say no as a 2018 goal.
Thats pretty important.

How were your christmases? What answers do you have for the above questions?

today's musing: this podcast, which is so so good. Its about the power of emotions, ways to tackle negativity and feels like a warm and safe conversation with your mum. Give it a listen.