the battle of my mind


the battle of my mind
who can ruin it first?
the pulsing adrenaline of overdrive,
pushing harder
seizing, singeing 
the flames of burnout licking at my core
or the narcissistic cries of perfectionism 
unattainable expectation
that will never be enough 

either way
when it comes down to it,
when the swords are drawn, 
the final bow taken,
nothing will be left.
it will fight to oblivion. 

a bitter, empty loneliness. 
nothing.
no one.
and through this struggle, my cruel mind is the only friend. 


***
I don't know. This poem isn't really how I'm feeling, I more just found it on my document entitled "words" that remains permanently open on my laptop and needed something to share. I'm trying to write more poetry, however, so perhaps sharing will motivate me.
I don't really know how I'm feeling. I'm exhausted but not really sure why which is anxiety inducing and am beginning to experience the tingles of panic about the future, as though I'm (again) not doing enough with my time. 
Ever since returning from Oxford I've felt unsettled. I suppose its the sense that I am, eventually, moving on but its been difficult to resume my routine. I can't fully relax into the things I am doing or truly experience the festivities. Perhaps, once work has broken up next week, I'll have a little more time. 
There are so many thoughts in my head, majority of which feel intangible. I'm trying to use the Messy Heads 30 days of journaling to understand myself a little better, but I've already missed 1 day so maybe not. I've been thinking a lot about travelling but its got a lot of questions surrounding it: when, where, who?  I've also got a Eurostar voucher I need to use and am pretty keen to visit le Chateau de Versailles and Monet's jardins des Giverny, along with my 2nd favourite city in the world (Paris) so if anyones down for a trip hmu lol. I've also been feeling romantically lonely but have also learned that I am fearful of both intimacy and commitment so bleurgh. Everything feels a bit lost.
There are so many potential and exciting trips and events in the new year but nothing feels secure or set in stone which is, perhaps, what is causing the unease. 
Ugh. I want my mind to settle. These feelings aren't the darkness and depression of a month ago but just a little instability. 
Let me know how you all are. 

(the above visual was just composed to showcase some of my favourite musings. All are found here)

12 comments

  1. I loved reading this post. I think I'm going to take a look at the messy head journal entries! Sounds like it'd helpful! Thanks for sharing.

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    1. Thank you, I'd recommend they really get ya thinking!!x

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  2. Hey, I'm sorry things are feeling messy right now. It's an unsettling feeling cos you just want to know what is going to happen next, but there's no way to figure that out. That sentence probably doesn't make sense lol but basically I'm saying I understand. There's so much that's unknown right now, and I know it's not helpful the most helpful advice, but everything is okay - things will figure themselves out.

    ummm I hope I sorta helped? lol...

    - Iona (asweetdestination.blogspot.com)

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    1. yes yes, its always reassuring knowing other people understand my emotions hahah

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  3. Wow, if I had a Eurostar voucher I'd fully just bounce haha. Tbh that's a bit of a fantasy, bc I'd be too scared to just go somewhere on my own, but how great would it be to just be off like that? I'd be down for a trip any day, but my bank account is thinking otherwise lmao. Hmmm, I hate unsettled feelings - when everything just feels all weird and disembodied, and things that are actually pretty good get blurred by the unsatisfactory? The journalling challenge seems like a good idea - I'd love to see them once they're finished!! I also get what you mean about feeling romantically lonely. I've recently found someone but it happened through me ambushing them (lmao), so if you're feeling it one day, just go for it: approach, start the convo or something! Committment is so fucking scary, but I realised life's way too short to be fearful of love? My motto is to approach things feeling as much as possible, and relishing those positive emotions, bc they're great and outweigh the doubts by far!! I've been feeling pretty fucking stressed and exhausted recently, so I'm just counting down the days until my 2 essays are handed in and I can go home and sleep for at least 2 weeks! good luck with everything bbs!! here's to a positive end to the year!! xxxx

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    1. hahah I feel ya, going somewhere alone is deffs one of my 2018 goals because I think there'd be something so empowering about seeing exactly what you want and going where you want and doing everything on your timescale for yourself. Yes exactly that, its like I know these good feelings are there and I know this is an exciting and festive time but its like just out of reach, I can't fully feel all the joy??? its weird. hahaah love the idea of you ambushing someone, I feel emotions so very strongly but maybe that is a good way to approach things, rather than trying to suppress it all the time. Ahh gurl I hope your final 2 essays go okay and enjoy your relaxation!!!! you deserve it!!!xxx

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  4. I'm defo going to have a look into the messy heads journalling thing!Also, I like your poem- I was reading a poetry website earlier (not reading actual poetry just reading reviews of the poetry) and has really inspired me to read poetry more and get into it. Also bitch hmu I'll come to Paris with you bonjour croissant, but I feel you. I don't like the not set in stone but good things will come in 2018. Post more poetry :)
    constantlylibby.blogspot.co.uk

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    1. yeaa I really want to read more poetry too, I was browsing the poetry section in waterstones and it made me so inspired. YES lets do it, you'll go far with those french language skills ;) They sure will, we've got exciting things ahead. Thank ya x

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  5. I definitely feel like everything is up in the air for me at the moment and I have no control over anything which makes me feel so so uneasy. And I think your poem encompasses the nature of those self-inflicted battles, born out of anxiety. They're unnecessary and even though when one's done and settled and you promise yourself to never let doubt creep into your thoughts it happens again- like a vicious cycle. I think the journalling sounds really good, I might start doing it (I have a lot of unscathed, impulse-bought notebooks just lying around) The eurostar voucher is definitely one you should make the most out of- I'd be happy to come (despite the fact organising these things can be hard af) but I also think that you should seize the opportunity to go alone and solo-travel. It'll allow you to do what you want, when you want and GROW and reaffirm your capabilities of independence. Think about it :)

    Dalal // monochromedaisies.blogspot.com

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    1. ahh so true, its sort of engrained, in a self-destructive way. I am definitely thinking of doing some solo travel in 2018, I think it'll be so liberating...so I might consider (but Paris with blog accompaniment would also be amazing!!!) I definitely want the luxury of being able to do exactly what I want when I want...x

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  6. Beautiful poetry Katiee, I think sometimes poetry more than anything is just good to get everything out, even if it doesn't really reflect how you feel. The messy heads journalling thing looks amazingg; how have I not heard of it before? It looks like the perfect guide to follow, especially when you're struggling to come up with what to write about/ draw (which is me 24/7) Omg I think we should all go on a blogging trip to France, I would lovee to go back to Parisss! I'm totally with you on feeling uneasy about plans. For me I seem to talk about these things but never get to act on them. Hope you're all good x x

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    1. Definitely give it a go!! OH YES that would be amaze, I love Paris so much. Lets do it (and try and temporarily cure our existential crises??) I feel ya, the number of plans/goals I make but never actually achieve...x

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Katie