vulnerability

Life is fucking weird. I've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of self-discovery, definitely not willingly nor intentionally, nd its a bit bleurgh.
I read this blogpost and she talked about the "figuring it out" stage of your life and fuck am I going through that except I'm not figuring anything out. Everything is just one massive "what am I doing? Is this right? Help! I don't wanna grow up!"and I think my brain is going to explode.
Figuring out. Figuring out what? How to exist as an independent human? How to not ring my mum crying or need to fill every breathing second of my day just so my mind doesnt combust? How to not skip lunch or eat only cereal or spend all my money or panic irrationally? How to claim back tax or how I set up a bank account???

(i live in a very beautiful place. one day ill take some pics to document it for when im away from home)

Anyway. One of these uncomfortable realisations was exposed in the car with my mum when, after I'd proposed a topic about trauma and its impacts, she announced:
"you are a very closed person" and I thought shit. I am.

I am terrified of exposing any vulnerability that could lead to pain. I am terrified of openness, of wearing my heart on my sleeve, of expressing how I feel, of letting someone get close.
I have this permanent shield of armour. It is impenetrable.
Maybe its a fear of trust, but my trust has never been betrayed.
But as soon as anyone has an opportunity to get close or show vulnerability my brain thinks "fuck" and shuts down.
For real.
Some part of my brain always tells me: their story is more important. You don't have a voice. You're words are worthless. So I don't say them.

Back in my Sherlock obsessed days (lol) I vividly memorised this quote:
"Alone is what I have. Alone protects me"
and I totally get that.
Its kind of like "okay. We exist as this sole unit. We can survive this because no one else can hurt us". Its weird man. Its also very shit. Because, apart from a very select few (we are talking 3 people, and even they only know bits), I never tell anyone anything. Which means it builds up and up and up in my brain nd then the emotional crisis of last week occurs. But its like I have all this stuff in my head where do I EVEN begin.  It also creates a sort of invisible boundary between me and those I love (esp. my friends) because they know so little? Not what's going on or how I am feeling or what I need which perpetuates the problem because it then can't be solved.

This has then made me think a lot about relationships and love and why I've never really experienced either. Because the idea of emotional intimacy = vulnerability = potential to be hurt. I feel safest alone because only I have to deal with it all but also obvs don't want to be alone because love???? I have a lot of emotional unpacking that needs to be done surrounding this topic. Why its something I crave but am also terrified of. Why I am repelled by commitment. Why the idea of 'settling down' makes me feel sick. I NEED TO TALK ABOUT these things to understand them but then I can't because of the above???? Sometimes thoughts are so much easier to understand when they're written down. But that topic requires too much vulnerability and we've established I'm not good at that.

wow. Who knew. This might come as a surprise because I relentlessly existentialise on here but ask me to say this in person and I'd burst into tears. Although, I don't cry in public. Because vulnerability. 

In other news, I have: passed my driving test (woo!), cried 5 days out of 7 (something I haven't done for months), felt weird that a whole year has passed since I left school, got very very worked up about a totally irrational event, felt totally humiliated by my drunken antics and wanted to die in a hole of embarrassment (oh fuck), spent an extortionate amount on a night out, worked a lot, felt very excited for my friends to be home, a bit sad that this year is drawing to a close (complicated emotions) and got very stressed about the 'could have beens'. AH well.
I now really, really need to go to sleep. I got in at 4 this morning then went to work for 10. Nice.
please PLEASE tell me any advice you have for challenging my closed-ness because its gonna make relationships actually quite fucking difficult nd I don't want that.
thanks for everything u guys.

(the sound track to this writing was Bach Cello suite. No.1– if u want a quiet few minutes to yourself just listen to it and it'll melt everything away)