days full and days empty

Oh wow, what a week! I haven't cried nearly as much this week (just once when I was saw the cows running across the field and I broke because the world was so beautiful but so empty) and I think have felt a little more positive and at ease with this chaos, if that is possible.
I've done a lot of really lovely things, spoken to a lot of people I really love and had quite a few realisations.

Things I've done:
spent a lot of hours in my dressing gown, a lot of shoulder yoga, painted a bit, collaged a lot, looked at the sunset, knitted in the garden, knitted in bed, knitted with my sister whilst we watched princess diaries, drank a lot of gin, wrote a few letters, worked a bit, felt a love for learning, made crispy cakes, read in the greenhouse, spent a lot of evenings on FaceTime, watched all of Feel Good in a day, felt lucky, felt sad, felt angry, felt nothing. Tried to take a lot of photos to remember it all.

People I've loved:
My mum, for letting me cry everyday, even when she was scared, for telling me her worries, for trying to make it as good as it can be.
My sister, for finally being happy and free, an unexpected consequence of all this.
My friends. Friends who drink wine/gin/tea on FaceTime, friends who colour on FaceTime, friends who check up on you because you disappeared for a few hours. Friends who ask how your other friends are, who remember small details about you. Where an hour and a half can disappear and you've still got more to say. I am blessed. One day i'll write a post about them all. Or a novel.
My new puppy, for the laughs and the light.
Myself. Because the world is scary, and even though I am overwhelmingly lucky, it can still be scary.

Realisations I've had:

That my life was perfect. That I sort of knew it. That it was blissful and I was endlessly happy and very loved. The temporary disappearance of this is heartbreaking, but it is reassuring to know I felt it, and can feel it.

That parts of this are important. That it teaches that nothing is certain, no tomorrow guaranteed, and that it never has been. That in some bizarre ways it might bring the refresh society needed.

That it'll make me appreciate the mundane and the beauty of my life in ways never conceived. Take time to enjoy tea with friends in the evenings, or  phone call with my mum, or a walk alone whenever I feel I need to shake it out.

That my life and the world I inhibit, no matter how much I try to deny it, is dripping with privilege. That I had no idea how much was at my disposal, how free I was, and now how much these things mean to me.

An appreciation of some small but very special things. The sacred rituals I have lost in this chaos. The moment when I sit at my desk, with my coffee ready to be plunged and my cereal, for half an hour of blissful contentment that I save just for me. For sundays of long phone calls home, and repeated stories from my mum, and then my dad. For sunrise walks, to breathe in the freshness, or rush to the library, or stamp out a bad mood, but to end feeling open and free. The 'goodnights' to my friends as we pile into our individual rooms, knowing we'll be reunited in the morning.

I think perhaps I have become more aware, more in tune. Have noticed moments when I've thought 'fuck, that really was quite nice', and how I miss those little things.

That being able to hug my friends in the pub and sit in my seat in the library again and fuckin' go for a walk at any time of day just because I can, will be the best feeling. But that in some ways its worth the wait.

Wow. Some feelings, and some beautiful moments and some really scary ones. I'm not trying to downplay the severity of this moment, or create pity for myself, I'm just trying to get through it, recognising my privilege but letting myself feel at the same time. What a tricky world to navigate.

What have you been doing to keep yourselves occupied/been thinking in these long days??

podcasts and music

In order block to the sound of my thoughts and quieten my catastrophising brain, I have been listening to a lot of podcasts, and a bit of music. I usually listen to the radio when I fall asleep, and as soon as I wake up, to keep me informed and aware. But its just too scary at the moment, and I feel too overwhelmed. Perhaps such avoidance is bad, in fact I know such a concrete ban is bad, but I also feel if it gets be through times when my brain feels too scary to even live inside, maybe its okay.

So, this need for noise but avoidance of the news has led me to a few new discoveries. Whilst dreaming of the day a new 'The High Low' episode comes out, I have really enjoyed 'How to Fail' with Elizabeth Day. It interviews a different guest each week and explores the times when their lives haven't gone right. Like all these things, its dependent on the guest you choose, but I have listened to the Andrew Scott episode at least 3 times, and l-o-v-e the most recent episode with Mo Gawdat about Coronavirus anxiety. It's very calming and rationalising, and something I think everyone should take the time to listen to when you feel ready. I am yet to stop irrationally catastrophising and still look at the current situation in a mad blur of 'what ifs', but even just knowing this episode is there as a calm voice of reason is some peace of mind.

I've also, somewhat tragically, been enjoying 'You're Dead to Me', which is an accessible history podcast with an expert and a comedian as guests. Its informative and lighthearted, and has some really interesting topics. It's also a good way to stay semi-intellectually stimulated whilst I avoid my work in the interest of 'self-care'. I've enjoyed the History of Chocolate episode, as well as the Justinian and Theodora episode (because its the coolest period of history).

I came across 'Table Manners with Jessie Ware' the other morning, when I was in a panic after turning on the news, and was looking for something to listen to before I got up. Jessie Ware basically cooks a meal for a celebrity (with the help of her mum) and hosts them in her kitchen. They chat about everything from work to family and I just think its a really nice informal window into people's lives. I somehow think this perhaps has more 'popular' guests (?? i.e. i've never heard of the majority) than How to Fail, but I fuckin' loved the episode with Antoni Porowski, and actually looking through the episode archive she has a whole variety of guests. I'm looking forward to the Deborah Francis White, Dolly Alderton and Sadiq Khan episodes, alongside a load of chefs (e.g. Jamie Oliver, Nigella Lawson...)

My essential sleep time (and day time to be honest) listening has been Headspace. In a panic-induced blur I bought a year subscription, but have since used it everyday. I've been doing a course on how to navigate change (quite apt), and whilst I haven't noticed a miraculous change (its only day 3), when the 15 minutes end I dream to remain in that quiet space for the next 6 months. I also did the 3-minute panic attack on the other day, with my head sticking out my window, and it was perfect to regulate breathing and bring a sense of stability.
But, more than anything, I have been loving the Sleepcasts. My friend introduced them to me on a very hungover night in Toulouse, curled up together as well fell asleep. There are 30 'stories' read by the most calming voices that sort of talk you through an evocative and sensory place. One of my favourites is 'Rainy Day Antiques' but I also really like 'Sandy Cove' and 'Monsoon Hour'. They are long enough to allow me to fall asleep before the end, but also just bring a sense of calm and peace. The sea-sounds also make me dream of the days I can walk on the beach again. Headspace have also released a free series called 'Weathering the Storm', aimed at helping navigate this madness.

Other podcasts I love are Rebelliously Tiny (by @ambivalentlyyours), Desert Island Discs and Getting Curious, each of which serve a different purpose but all offer the calm distraction necessary.
Music-wise, I haven't really been feeling my music recently. I listened to Libby's 2020 playlist o-n-r-e-p-e-a-t at the end of last term, and now it gives me sad and nostalgic feelings. Still some banging tunes though. Embarrassingly, my sister has got me into Harry Styles' new album, which is lighthearted and energetic–everything I am not feeling. I have also, of course, been listening to my usual choral as I work or knit or need to feel some calm. I'm hoping I'll come back round to music, because I could really do with it.

Please let me know any suggestions of listenings, music or otherwise.
And I hope you're all okay, its scary and I am exhausted. I have cried everyday since I came home, and I know that's alright but its also not how I want to be feeling. But no one does.
Peace and love x x

après la nuit

The sun is shining, but these days are tough. I feel disorientated and misplaced. My life (along with everyone else's, no doubt) has pivoted exponentially in mere weeks.

I am lost and confused and my anxiety is crippling at times. But I don't want to talk about the bad stuff, because every dinner table conversation and every phone call and every 'how are you?' comes back to it, and for me a reasonable distance and ignorance is necessary to get through. I am scared, and for my anxiety, this is perhaps my worst case scenario. But I know everyone is anxious and uncertain. And only through love and support can we get through. 

Anyway, some good things have emerged, and some good times have been had, even if my horizons and my world has shrunk to the walls of my house (with a few solitary walks to break up the monotony). 

I've enjoyed baking and eating in copious amounts, because if a pandemic has taught me anything its that these aren't worth worrying about. 

I've also enjoyed reading (even if I thought Atonement was overrated), painting at my desk, listening to music to block out intrusive thoughts. I've enjoyed Facetiming my friends and writing letters and silent walks in the morning sun. I've enjoyed seeing everyone come together and the world adapt at an impressive rate. I've enjoyed the permission to be slow and more sedentary. 

It perhaps sounds hyperbolic, but I am grieving for Oxford in summer. For the meadows and the sunsets and open windows in the library, giving a gentle breeze. I miss my friends like never before, walks to college, meals together, nights in bars, and evenings dressing up and drinking wine. The support and the community and the feeling of belonging, the feeling of home. The laughter, endless endless laughter. I was already fearful of how quickly it was disappearing, but now another term has gone. And it is my happiest place and my happiest time. But this is also globally a minor problem and boy is it a privilege for this to be my primary grief. 

Home feels safe and quiet, and I feel I can retreat to my room to the silence and the calm and feel okay. I am dreaming of summer and sea and foreign tongues, but it'll happen, maybe not this summer, but it will happen. 

So for now, I am reading and sleeping and trying (oh, so trying) to be kind to myself. It is just a different phase, a time to be slow and breathe and take time. Instagram is providing a lot of solace (Facebook for sure is not), and when I think of everyone in the same situation, I do feel better. 

And maybe, as Lexie said in her post, something good will ultimately come of this. It is bringing rapid and unprecedented change, and perhaps will, in the long term, offer a shakeout. 

Who knows, we can hope.

Some things I like:

This insta post. 

and this.

and this.

this.

@werenotreallystrangers  

Every single breath you breathe is proof that you are finding your way in this - Morgan Harper Nichols

In times of crisis, we must all decide again and again whom we love - Frank O'Hara 

"And the people stayed home. and read books, and listened, and rested, and exercised, and made art, and played games, and learned new ways of being and were still. And listened more deeply. Some mediated, some prayed, some dance. Some met their shadows. 

And the people began to think differently. And the people healed. 

And, in the absence of people living in ignorant, dangerous, mindless, and heartless ways, the earth began to heal.

And when the danger passed, and the people joined together again, they grieved their losses, and made new choices, and dreamed new images, and created new ways to live and heal the earth fully, as they had been healed" - Kitty O'Meara (every time I read this, I cry)

For all of the answers
you don’t have yet,
I hope, tonight 
you can still find rest. 
I hope you can find peace
while breathing deep
even without knowing
what comes next.

Even in the nights
when no stars fill the sky
and neither music
or movies
are enough to keep you
occupied,
take each breath
one at a time.
And with every second
that passes
you are just a little further
down the line. 
Goodnight
Goodnight
I know the nights have not
been easy before you.
So be gentle with yourself
this hour
let endless boundless grace
shine through. 
Morgan Harper Nichols 

(this also made me cry, and I can't decide if my period is due, or I'm just very sensitive at the moment lol)

Breathe, my loves. Take it day by day, moment by moment. I'm always here.
And expect many more posts like this, whilst I avoid the work that feels impossible to start.
Love and peace <3


(sources of pics: 1) pinterest but I can't find it eek! 2) ditto 3) @subliming.jpg 4) also pinterest 5) @frdgngrs 6) @museelouvre 7) @elwingbling 8) @cosmic.grrl 9) @rupikaur_ 10) @rossie_edenbrow 11) @lesparisiennesdumonde 12) @sweetthangzine 13) @isabellapreisz 14) @a_painting_a_day_ 15) here 16) @subliming.jpg

sun and rain

Thinking about:

When this rain will stop, and when the sun will come out. Whether the red wine will come out of my favourite white jeans. Why I remain perpetually single. Why some of my best friends live so far away. About friends who take you to art galleries when you're sad. About whether the media are scaremongering, and what is true. About the race I have to run despite not running in months. About the chaos of this term. 

Its a very wet Thursday morning. I've got my coffee and my cereal, but something doesn't feel quite right. This has been the strangest week, and the uncertainty is set to continue. On Monday, I was supposed to be going to Jordan with some of my best friends, to marvel at all the things I've learned about this term, and laugh until I cry, to debate, to explore. But now I might be going home, I might not. I might be working, I might not. Trinity term might not even be happening.

But I'm just trying to think in the moment, and in the opportunity. And to learn to exist in the emptiness and the unfamiliarity. 

The sun has come out, I really hope it stays like this. 

Yesterday, after a walk in the meadows, I treated myself to two new books. 

I have had Girl, Woman, Other on my to-read for months, ever since my tutor recommended it, and I finally caved after it came out in paperback. It follows the lives of 12 characters in the UK throughout the last 100 years, and won the Booker in 2019. I will report back. 

Late in the Day was an impulse purchase based entirely on the cover, but it sounds intriguing. Its about 'friendship, loss and jealousy'. The blurb does that odd thing where it seems to give away the crux of the plot (i.e. a friend dies), but I'm sure there is far more to it. I have been thinking about friendship a lot recently, mostly that it feels so momentarily intense but is often so transient. My best and most indispensable friends now might not be by my side in 20 years. So it feels sort of pertinent. 

I'm also currently reading Atonement. I read a rogue McEwan over the Christmas vac and really enjoyed his writing style, so felt it necessary to read his most seminal. I'm enjoying it so far, although I feel I haven't properly sat down and allowed myself to become immersed. 

What else? 

The past 8 weeks have included some of my most saddest and hardest moments, and some of my most happiest. Last week my mood was untouchably happy. Friday was the most peaceful and calm day. I was hungover but happy, it was sunny, I walked along my favourite street, had a challenging tutorial, had a chai latte and a walk with a good friend, played netball and went home. All good things and I remember feeling so content. This week was harder. Being at home increasingly makes me feel on edge and anxious and sort of threw me, and our lack of holiday is making me feel a bit empty. But things will get better and will get more certain and this will pass.

And now its Sunday. Tomorrow I am going home, not to Jordan. It's been an unsettled but beautiful few days of laughter and coffee and walks. Life is disorienting and scary but the thing that makes me most scared is not returning here in 6 weeks. This is my favourite place in the world, and these are my favourite people, and it would break me to not come back. But we thrive and we survive, take day by day, feel blessed at our privilege, and distance ourselves from the news. 

love nd hope to u all x x  

listening and feeling

hey, y'all.
Its a reasonably slow Friday morning. I've got my coffee and my granola and my tutorial isn't until 9 (despite unintentionally waking up at 6:15) so I've finally got some time.
This term has been dominated by introspective reflection, partly because its been tough and chaotic, so we've been helping each other out a lot.
But also because I tried counselling (was a bit shit (very shit)) and am doing this training 'ting which, through 24 hrs of experiential practice basically helps you to be a good listener, get people to talk about their problems etc.

So i've thought a lot about myself and feelings, and how you can best communicate them. Its been quite exposing but very rewarding and whilst it has revealed a lot of problems, its made me want to (and realise I am able to) find solutions.
Here are some things I've learned.

To listen to myself. I am trying so so so hard to do this, to listen to my needs and my body and act accordingly. Rather than brushing off the anxious feeling, or getting angry at myself for feeling like it, recognising it and thinking about what I could do to ease the feeling in that moment.
That no feelings are inherently good, and no feelings are inherently bad, they are just feelings. All feelings are valid.
That just listening really is the best thing you can do. Sitting and being there and they might tell you and they might not, but allowing the space and the time is fundamental.
And that silence is also important. That sometimes that is where people find the courage to open up.
That 'feeling level' questions are so so so soothing, so much better than why or assumptions. How did it make you feel, tell me more about how you felt then.
That having someone present and attentive but entirely non-judgmental, listening and summarising, is so safe and so calm.
That so much of what I do stems from a lack of self worth. That I'm not good enough to be here, not working hard enough, not funny enough, that my friends don't really like me.
But that these thoughts aren't true and they aren't helpful. That I need to acknowledge them and then distance myself from them. That by feeding them, they will only get worse.
That vulnerability and discomfort is scary, but its also the heart of connection. That only when we embrace the uncertainty and the chaos can we begin to find peace.
That 3 hours a week to calmly check in with yourself, with supporting, caring, open people, is a privilege and it is so grounding to recognise how you feel now, and how you felt then.
To be assertive, for yourself and for others. Don't give over more than you can and say confidently but without accusation how you feel and what you want to change.
To be kind to yourself, in every capacity.
That the strongest friendships are built on heartbreak and sadness, by listening to each other and opening up.

I feel like I've learned a lot more than just this, but here are some questions you can ask yourself and some things I have appreciated.
What would you say to someone else in this situation? What would a friend say?
Are things getting out of proportion in my head (yes, yes always yes)?
What could I do that would help me feel better right now?
Am I focussing on the worst scenario? What would be more realistic?
Am I putting more pressure on myself/setting unachievable expectations?
How do you feel? Always how do you feel? 
And this video about vulnerability.
And this insta account (@werenotreallystrangers), but more specifically this post.

Its now Wednesday and I've done little work and been v ill. Being ill here is horrible and tutors aren't always the most sympathetic, but I'm trying to be kind to myself and not overdo it (when I read the start of this post (that I unintentionally woke up at 6:15 after going to bed at 12) I realise why I am ill)).
And let me tell you, distancing yourself from your emotions is hard. But its a learning curve!
This week has been remarkably unsocial (i.e. I haven't been to the pub since Friday), but I'm teaching myself that life doesn't fall apart if I have 5 consecutive nights in. In fact, it might get better. And today I abandoned the library and went for a walk in the parks, which felt liberating and necessary.

How are you all feeling? Take some time to think about it.

just some thoughts and words

These past few weeks have been a lot, and I mean a lot. I won't bore you but I have had more visitors, done more work, slept less and stopped less than I ever thought possible. Its been good and bad, but mostly good. There's been a lot of difficult but necessary introspection, quite a few nights at the pub, a lot of friends, some tears and some kind of hard conversations. 

Here are some highlights, or just some happenings. And some sun. 

Today was sunny, and it felt like spring. I think its helping to lift my blue mood. I played netball, laughed a lot and took a day off.

Here are some things that have been helping me, through days that can feel challenging and moments that feel overwhelmingly anxious. 

Buying daffodils, for my windowsill.

Talking to people about it.

Being hugged.

Listening to rain sounds as I fall asleep.

Lavender pillow spray.

Taking a day off. 

Cafes to work, because sometimes libraries are too much. 

This working playlist, and this one. 

Taking photos to fill up my empty camera roll.

A post-crying hot shower. 

Remembering it hasn't always been like this. 

Plans, and coffees, and seeing different friends. 

Giving myself some leeway with my work; handing in an essay late, only doing half a reading list, understanding that 3 essays a week is unachievable.

Its not that these things have cured me, or stopped the incessant butterflies in my stomach or the feeling of loneliness, despite being surrounded by friends, but it has eased it a little.

Tonight we're having a dinner party, and tomorrow the grind starts again. 

Peace nd love to u all, stay strong. 

january

Its me, I'm back and what a time I've had.
January has been a lot, but its always a dark and cold month, and there has been a lot of light.

The best bits:
Lying in my friends room, on mattresses pulled onto the floor, laughing in a tangled mess.
Sitting in the sun on the banks of the river in Toulouse, with 2 very dear friends.
Watching Bridget Jones with the same 2 friends, and listening to mindfulness as we fell asleep.
Proving my brain wrong and getting help.
Numerous trips to the pub, and laughs and debates.
A long run, and the gradual realisation that its for the endorphins and the freedom, not the control
Our feminist society's first debating night of term and seeing all my friends.
Sitting in the gladstone link reading Procopius and thinking how much I love my degree
An amazing tutorial at the top of a winding staircase, in a room with slanted eaves and books in every language being pulled out and shown to me in a reference I didn't understand.
A drag night that was every kind of messy.
A walk in uni parks.
Working in cafes.
Daffodils on my windowsill.
A dinner party with my bffs.
Laughing 'till my stomach hurts.
Hearing my best friend sing through the walls.

And there's probably been a lot more, but I broke my phone and lost my photos. Photos are now my only record of events and happenings. I've stopped doing my line a day diary because, after 4 years, it felt depressing to remember what happened when I was 16. No one needs that.

Things I am looking forward to:
Some spring sun in Oxford.
Running in the meadows and not on the dark streets.
A disco night.
My mum visiting on friday.
2 weeks in Jordan at the end of this term, with some of my favourite friends.
More nights dancing, and evenings in the pub, and coffees and walks.

Life is busy, and I am relentlessly trying to make it busier. One day I will learn to stop. But its fulfilling, I am learning to listen better and to support others, I am helping to create a dynamic network of empowered and feminist women* (and men*), I am reading and learning and loving it.

I hope you're all well and January was okay. Today I have a 2 hour class on Procopius' Buildings (luckily I don't have to present so I'll just take notes), my dad is visiting and I've got feminist drinking/debating tonight. I also need to read for my multiple essays, eek!

musings #8

this mood board makes my skin ache to lie in the sun and swim in the sea and laugh with my friends in the open air. Life is rarely as pure and ethereal as these pictures suggest, but spontaneous summer days with good company, books and laughter really can be. I want to drink in the warmth, the orange hues and the light. I want to wear shorts and swan around French cafes with my crocheted bag, taste the salt on my skin, drink coffee and wine with no concern for tomorrow, fuckin' arrange flowers with my cat. Long story short, I don't want to be revising and I don't want it to be January.

Its too late, considering the mountain of work I have to do tomorrow, but I finally feel like I can write, and that is a feeling I have been pining over. I've just got back from seeing Little Women and not to bore you but it is insane and I cried endlessly and I just don't cry at films.  And I went to see it with my mum and my sister and that, understandably, made me cry more.
Lets keep it real, the past few days (?) weeks (?) month (?) have been a bit rough and my anxiety/overthinking-ness has got the better of me. Which I hate, and which feels alien. And it doesn't feel that okay, and let's also be real: I am apprehensive about going back to Oxford feeling like this because its a sensation akin to the claustrophobia of homesickness. I.e. I need to be as close to my mum as possible. And yes, I'm 20 and yes, I still feel like this. But I really am concerned how I will feel in an intense chaotic bubble 300 miles from home, when I just want to cry and have my hair stroked.
But it's okay(ish), we've made moves towards progress and I am trying to speak about things and look after myself a little better. The state of the world is freaking me out, and I wrote an angry and  indignant post about how helpless it felt, but it didn't do much to cure the feelings.

In this messy and chaotic and busy but empty few weeks I have:

Felt: everything and nothing. Like I couldn't leave my bed I was so scared, happiness and comfort at seeing my best friend, a sore stomach from laughter, love, the cold wind on my face, a sense of coming home, restfulness, the power of being alive and active, despondence and fear for our nation, for the world, the ache of anxiety through my shoulders

Read: Queenie (Candice Carty-Williams), The Children Act (Ian McEwan), Let it snow (Sue Moorcroft), Love is Blind (William Boyd), and a lot of 6th century texts about war and prophets. Stay tuned for reviews on the former.

Watched: Crazy Ex-Girlfriend (bit meh, no Jane the Virgin thats for sure), Killing Eve (again), Little Women (love!), Sex Explained (on Netflix, rlly interesting!)

Listened to: my top 3 working songs at the moment are: John Tavener: Leroy Kyrie, Thomas Tallis: If Ye Love Me, and Chief: Goodnight (yeh, the last one is a very different vibe, but I'm getting a bit sick of choral)

Used: (couldn't think of a better verb, but I just mean some good new eco tings) a bar of soap that makes my room smell calming, bamboo pants that make me feel breathable (??) nd my new Lucy and Yak trousers that make me look like a carrot but feel like a queen.

Dreamed of: Seeing friends in Toulouse at the weekend, the sun on my face, potential summer travels, a little more time, some calm in my mind

Looking forward to: partying, dancing, beautiful libraries, golden sandstone, planning said summer travels, trains to read on, some TV actually ! (Sex Education, Normal People, Killing Eve)

Loved: my mum unreal amounts, my friends for letting me cry and hide in my room for much of New Year, long walks, Christmas cake, the fire, vodka lime sodas with friends, @charliemackesy for drawing my feelings

Hoped to: feel like myself some time soon

And finally. My queen, @ambivalently yours, allowing me to process and understand, always.

source

I was ready to face it today. And I did, and it was terrifying. But nothing bad happened. And now we can breathe and sleep.

Peace and love to u all, January is a rough month and ur thriving.