friendship and changes

This post is inspired by Libby, so thanks for the inspo gurl.

I am at that cusp in the trajectory of my life where friendship is changing. Its kind of inevitable, I know, but its also difficult.
I'm grasping at ties I should probably cut, knowing that eventually they'll drift but that I also don't want to say goodbye, just yet.
Fatally, I scroll through photos and soak up the laughs and drunken adventures and travels and dramas until I feel weak with a crumbling nostalgia. I want it back, oh so bad.
But, underneath the facade of memories, I know that some of these friendships make me feel little worse than is worth sustaining. I know I feel somewhat inadequate and replaced and as though I am the one always trying, the one reaching out, the one organising.
And I'm giving and giving and giving until there's nothing left.
But little comes back in return.
To actually say farewell though, to put down my phone, to leave the memories in the past, feels too much. And the emptiness that would ensue, oh.
But it could be so freeing.
So much of me wants to run away from it all, breathe a new air, escape the past, not because most of it wasn't exhilarating and warming, but because I'm ready for newness. And because what they're moving on.
And some of what I have here is still so rewarding (e.g. a friend who encourages spontaneous piercings, who I go for meals with that accidentally and inevitably end up as nights out) and there are so many relationships I want, and will maintain, alas, I'm also ready to move on.
But I suppose the scary thing about moving on is the fear of "what if".

As I dapple in these thoughts, I am reminded of just how special these friendships are. Years of closeness, where they become an accepted part of your world and routine. Where you know you entirely belong, where everything is done together, where you know everything about the other. Where they become more like a sister. Or friends who adventure to the beach after a night out to watch the sunrise, or who travel round Europe for 2 weeks with you or buy you Hungarian cake on your 18th birthday or make A-levels and the library enjoyable or dance and sing and party with you and make you feel so much less alone.

Maybe I can't say goodbye to that.
Ah. Like everything in my world, I think I just need to let it be. And, if they were there only for the most formative 10 years of my life, fuck thats enough. That's more than enough. They've moulded me, and I hope I them. A little bit of ourselves will be with the other.

This year, I just need to ride it out. I am lost in a limbo, still craving the past while everyone around me moves on, but anticipating next year and the newness it will bring.
But, as Libby alludes to, the end of school means friendships can exist in so many new ways. You aren't confined to those with whom you share a class, eat lunch, walk home with so I'll explore and value that, as I make friends with the old ladies who volunteer at the food bank, and the wonderful people in this ever loving online community.

Thanks for always listening.

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