la vie

Life has been kinda hectic; I love it but I'm also exhausted. It's a good exhaustion, I think.
I have lots of thoughts I want to document (about friendships, self-esteem, validation and expectation) but I thought I'd just do some updates, to allow time for those ideas to become a little more comprehensible.
SO, I've been doing a lot of travelling. Every time I make a journey alone, it sparks a little pride. Despite all the other stresses, I feel so empowered jumping on a train alone and traversing around the country. I've seen some beautiful sights, new cities and old friends, its been rewarding and warming and exciting, but also a little saddening and demoralising.
I suppose it has reinforced the divide between me and my school friends, their new lives and mine and the decreasing compatibility. Its been difficult to accept their new worlds and my integration into it, for just a night as I top and tail in their cramped bed, but this is more down to me than their evolution as new human beings.
It makes me happy to see them happy, just a little sad that I'm not as much a part of it.








After an accidental night out at home, I made a brief trip to Leeds. I was nurtured by my friend who made my veggie chilli upon arrival, partied with a strange group from school and took advantage of the 90p tequila shots. My body and mind regretted the double night out but it was a lotta fun.
I then had a weekend away with my family in Scotland, in which I enjoyed the openness of nature and the freedom of the sea, read, ate my body weight in cake, and explored Edinburgh. I perhaps wasn't as relaxed as I hoped but managed to accept it for what it was.
And then I have just returned from a weekend in Sheffield, visiting my best friend. It was so lovely and relaxed and it all disappeared into a sense of normality. We met up with another good friend and caught up on the ins and outs of uni life. I bought some vintage clothes, experienced (and hated) the perks of communal living and felt relieved to be re-united. We went clubbing, for which I was in a weird mood which got me down. I felt insecure and insignificant, but with encouragement from her flat, I had a good time. I did leave feeling a little low, I'm not sure why, perhaps the frustration that I still let anxiety and stresses get the better of me (e.g. crying on the phone to my mum as my pal slept because I didn't want to get the bus home–but the 5am bedtime may have had some influence) and the fact that I feel I came across weak and pathetic. But I'm trying to not let these thoughts dampen the weekend.

The weeks in between have slipped away in a blur of work, driving lessons, Oxford applications, volunteering, cake baking and organising. I've been trying to save a little time for self-care, writing or painting or sewing, but its been neglected in my priorities.
I'm loving the blogging community and its curing the loneliness that the uni trips appear to induce. I finally have a weekend at home and am anticipating a walk at the beach and brunch with a friend.
How are you all?

6 comments

  1. So relatable. Sounds v busy and exhausting, but fun! Remember to dedicate time to self-care, as that will have an impact on how you feel generally when you navigate all these new places and people! :) good luck with everything on your list! A walk on the beach and brunch sounds like goallllllls. ❤

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    1. So true, trying desperately to integrate it into my routine x

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  2. This is a really lovely post, bittersweet I guess. I'm 15, which means I obviously can't relate to the things you're starting to do/this specific period of life, but my brother has just started his gap year and my sister is at uni so I've been watching them start all this stuff from the outside. It sounds like a weird time of life. My own life seems to different to what you've described at the moment; I'm in year 11 now so it's all heavily structured and every second feels like it's been planned on my behalf. Lots of GCSE prep, you can probably remember lol. I think it's strange how much your life and the way you spend your days can change in just three years. Anyway, I hope your beach walk and brunch were lovely! I genuinely love your blog by the way. It's perfect afternoon reading material, and you write beautifully.
    Esme x

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    1. AH the days of GCSE, but don't worry because in someways its a slow release into a less structured life, A-levels are definitely very different to the ways of GCSE. I suppose it is mad to consider how much life can change in 3 years but I also know I've outgrown the way I lived at 15, so I guess it feels right. Thank you my love, glad you enjoyed x

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  3. Loved your Edinburgh photos on insta! Sounds like you've been super busy, but looks like lots of fun xxx

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    1. woo thank ya, best way to be (until you're super tired oops) xx

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Katie