on fridays we have existential crises


(this is really long and rambly and probably doesnt say at all what I want it to but I needed to get my thoughts down)

"Its a dangerous thing to romanticise the past. To allow nostalgia to drag up old memories from the depths of our hearts and fashion them into something their not. We built a mirage from a memory and knelt before it like a false god. What we called love was nothing but foolish hope" - Beau Taplin

This past week two repetitive thoughts have been creeping into the moments of stillness: Nostalgia and a fear of growing up. I suppose they go hand in hand. I get moments of panicking nostalgia, a painful longing for the rose-tinted glory of the past. I especially yearn for the sense of belonging, the constant connection, the familiarity. The laughs in class, safety of the library and the general relationships and conversation that you can never recreate. I miss working tirelessly for something, with immense support and a sense that nothing else matters, that my world was narrowed on this one goal. I was so defined by this and I crave the punitive past.
When I drown in these glorified images  I get terrified that I'll never feel such happiness, contentment again. But, as with all nostalgia, it ignores the shit parts of the past.
The constant headache of fatigue, the tears and fears of "I can't", the shitty teaching, the boring lessons, the inability to care for myself that has resulted in this mess.
I can now use my free time exactly as I wish, with no fear of needing to complete an essay, revise or read. I have grown in independence and maturity, confidence and grounding. I can write, read, sleep, sew, walk, run, go-out or stay-in and, as long as I meet my sporadic commitments throughout the week, my time is utterly liberal.
But the past is so inviting. And, as I documented in my phone one day last week, it could be so easy to slip into the world of yesterday. To glide into the library, begin notes on Williams' use of plastic theatre, and build up the wall of ease.
Alas, I can't.
It doesn't exist, it never will. This is my life, no matter how I long for the past.
I think part of this sense of longing ties in with my fear of uncertainty.
And its terrifying, not knowing where I'll be next year, whether I'll be happy, what I'll enjoy. I crave the familiarity of school, knowing who I'll see, what I want, how I can achieve it. And in my head, I've had the glory days (which is entire rubbish because they were punitive and stressful) and nothing will match, growing up presents no excitement, no challenge, no focus and I can't imagine feeling the security I did. I look at people in school, my sister, the kids I tutor, people online, and think "you're so lucky, I want to be in your position" but I know I don't want to be a part of that anonymous machine.
But what do I want? Do I want to go to Oxford? Will I be happy there? Will I hate myself for not going? Will I even get in? Will I enjoy history? What the fuck do I want to do?
I don't know.
In that first therapy session, which I will discuss below, she observed "it sounds to me like you always need to be in control, have everything in your life managed" and I was in denial.
But I think its a bit too true.

Delving into these messy thoughts is getting me down, but I needed to document them.
I'll probably cry after writing this but that appears to be my coping mechanism.

In more reassuring and positive news, my mental health is a lot better and the days are slipping away with a sense of enjoyment. The therapy session was strange, it was kind of painful as it unearthed up a lot of things I had buried deep and made me realise that I'd abused myself for way too long, which is a scary realisation to have. The therapist wasn't right but that's okay, I feel good currently but I know there are some things that need to be dealt with, so I'll continue the pursuit.
So yeh. I fucking miss school and every time I return (for UCAS application etc) it makes the wound a little rawer. But with time, it'll heal, I'll find a new sense of belonging and I'll feel a part of something again.
I hope.

(Btw, if you're new here and wondering how tf someone can miss school so much, check out this post and this post and they will explain the background to these emotions lol)

2 comments

  1. Glad to hear your on track with your mental health!! I'm kinda dreading my gap year for what you say, the feeling of a lack of belonging; not having the routine of school/college does scare me a lot. I hope you're ok with the nostalgia, I'm feeling it too but we have so many more memories yet to make! x x
    www.lexiealexandra.com

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    1. Glad I'm not alone in these feelings. Definitely true about the memories, I'm not sure nostalgia is an entirely bad thing but it can deffs get in the way, here's to the future!!! xx

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