the end

That's it.
A-levels are done.
It feels kind of bittersweet, right now more bitter than sweet.
I am terrified about emptiness and loss of direction and loss of structure and loss of purpose and isolation and disappearance and the demise of academic interest.
I poured too much of myself into my a-levels, they consumed my life and, whilst it was partly because I enjoy learning and because the fear of failure continued to ebb away, it was also because it filled a void.
The focus and 'need to do something' patched the holes of personal failing that they subsequently perpetuated. I could silence my insecurities by saying "I need to work",  I could fill empty time by writing an essay that "needed to be done" and I could neglect my mental and physical health because "these exams are just so important".
And now I have to tackle this. I have to openly face the anxious pools of darkness and I have to actually think about myself and my health. I can't really explain the self-inflicted neglect that past 2 years have caused other than such a focus is unhealthy. It means when the plug is finally removed, you reach crisis point.
Maybe I'll write a post about my a-level experience once I've processed it all, it may guide some that are embarking on that whirl-wind of a journey.
But now to the future.
I need to create a new identity for myself (my identity was consumed by school work, unhealthy but again, filled an abyss), need to tackle some mental instabilities that have been ignored for too long, need to find enjoyment and creativity and learn to do things because I can and because I want to.  I also want to learn some healthy ways of approaching work, explore new paths and talents and be inspired by life, rather than terrified.
Expect to see more creative, more considered and less exam drenched content. That's what I'm hoping for, anyway.

***
Narcissistically, I have just read over my own post from 2015.
I quote: "May, you brought the realisation that what I knew was coming to the end, that I was growing up and things were getting serious"
This, apart from being horrifically written, was in reminiscence of the end of GCSE's.
And I look and realise I am, 2 years later, experiencing the same emotions. And whilst I was terrified about A-levels, I have had a whale of a time, in a mad, panicked kind of way. And so maybe next year won't be so bad after all.
Also, 'things were getting serious' makes me smile as I remember being so scared about lessons being so dull and lacking in laughter. They have, thankfully, been far, far from.

Finally, I've changed my blog URL. I needed greater personal anonymity so I could exist with a sense of duality. Not much different but hope u guys stick around.

surviving

Week one of exams fini.
The past 3 weeks have been, admittedly, close to some of the worst. But I know its not just me, my friends have cried and broken with the relentless nature of exams. It's involved so many tears, panic, phone calls, cries for help and required a whole new way of looking at myself and capabilities.
Today, I am exhausted beyond the point of function, my eyes fuzzy and my head clouded. I know I need to open my Othello text and stick my head in notes of the collapse of the GDR but not today.
This past week has been an exercise of self-care, so here are some tips on getting through the impossible.

Comfort: in your clothes, your surroundings, your food. Some things that helped me include reading Harry Potter, wearing old sweatshirts, dried pineapple and walks with dear friends.
Escape: my dear mum has driven me out the beach in pouring rain on numerous occasions this past week as 'long views' are supposed to add perspective and the openness allows me to escape the panic.
Tears: in exams, with friends, in the library, in hugs, in bed, in the bath. We've all decided tears drain the emotion and provide a sedated fatigue.
Help: asking for anything you need. For me this has been different seats in exams, trips to the doctors and constant emails and reassurance.
Sleep: aided by lavender scents and warm baths, it adds a little perspective.
Distraction: for me it has been planning my 18th in Budapest (!) and the political MADNESS that is unfolding in the UK.
Care: towards yourself and others. I feel everyone has been so nice towards each other recently (I probs could have played a greater role in this lol) but just kind texts and kind words and kind reassurance.
Perspective: as I cried on the phone to my mum in the school yard (yes I was such a MESS), epiphanic perspective dawned. They don't matter, I can resit, they aren't a true reflection, my health is so much more important. Whatever it is, remind yourself of the rationality.

But out of the ashes, some good things have emerged. The kindness addressed above, the recognition of the voice of the youth that WILL NOT BE SILENCED and the realisation that I need to look after myself.
I hope you are all coping a lil better than me (lol)

oo in lieu with 'self care' this was my pre-exam bath. SO EXTRA but gr8 nonetheless.

i may have been an idiot all this time

Les Examens.

I don't have much to say as all the fear and existential crises and stress and tiredness is both expected and integral.

(It shouldn't be integral but it feels like a fundamental part of me)

Plus, we are all in the same boat.

But as well as the above, I turned to Rupi Kaur for some wisdom.
Remember this, kids.

most importantly love
like its the only thing you know how
at the end of the day all this
means nothing
this page
where you're sitting
your degree
your job
the money
nothing even matters
except love and human connection
who you loved
and how deeply you loved them
and how you touched the people around you
and how much you gave them

And while I know I will be filled with an abyss of self-loathe when I am mind-blank in exams or open my envelope on the 17th of August and the tears and pain will be wasted, I will still be alive.
I will still be breathing and have my identity, my laugh, my mind, my cat.
And you will too.

Bonne chance, friends–I'm off to have an existential crisis about university courses which is 110% irrational because its not happening for 16 months.

Some happy things

It's late and I have a busy day tomorrow but I need to get words on paper.
I've been thinking a lot about existence and future and the unknown, much of it overwhelming my hormonal brain as I battle through revision-loaded days that leave me exhausted. Below I will explode some thoughts and emotions so they can be easily ignored as I feel they consume too much of these posts.

pic credz here 

As I type, Bon Iver 'For Emma, For Ever Ago' plays, which I think is my favourite album ever. It breaks me and immerses me in the past***

Here's some things I am looking forward to/that make me happy:

- eating nectarines on warm June mornings
- exploring new cities
- having more time to read for pleasure
- learning
- my cat
- finding more about myself when I don't have the excuse of 'a-levels'
- dappling golden light on the blue above my bed
- building my jewellery collection
- the newest additions to my succulent collection
- redecorating my room
- living in Paris (one day)
- days spent in the garden
- re-learning French
- ASOS deliveries (even if they do fuck up leaving me with 50p in my account)

What are you looking forward to?

********ignore this lol********

I don't feel much at the moment, I haven't for a while. This year has disappeared but little significant has happened, I don't know who I am and can't categorise this year with memories or moments or topic (this year meaning academic because my whole world seems to exist in academia). I feel I can't remember anything about myself, I can't define myself, push myself because I don't know myself. It feels sort of terrifying and sort of emptying. I feel my year has melted with blinkers, I can't define it by anything-its just become a forgetful normality.
Fear is there. Does it ever leave?
But who am I? Where do I exist? Am I going to disappear? Do I live beyond stress?
Who am I going to be when I can't pour every ounce into shitty education that has lost every part of my identity?
I am lost, so lost. But through sadistic punishment I drive harder knowing it will never be enough.

***This album makes me think of fear of exams and spring light and the comfort of school and my teachers and the library and the exhilarative anxiety I felt towards exams, without the fear of 'next year'.
But this year, I feel nothing. Exams don't generate the same emotions, I feel scared but really I just feel like I am disappearing. I invest everything into surviving this year that 'me' beyond it feels non-existent.

Grey

Its a grey kind of day. The budding trees are standing against a backdrop of nothingness and only the bursting pink blossom breaks their monotony.

It feels kind of grey in my head too. Revision is getting me down, as are empty days (that aren't empty because I have little time other than to revise and procrastinate) and I feel in a thoughtless rut. 

I want to treat myself but I've spent all my money on birthday presents, interrail accommodation and clubbing, purchases that seem to define my age. 

Since we last spoke, little has happened. 

I handed in my history coursework which I was, in actual fact, very proud of. Hours of tears and stresses had gone into that 4000 word essay which, in mid-November as I panicked to my teacher, I never thought I would complete. 

We broke up for Easter which was anti-climatic as it just meant 2 weeks of revision and stunned me back into that "fuck its nearly all over" mentality that consumes. 

I returned to my favourite place, for a week that caused more stress than usual. It was all pretty detached, I spent much of it at my makeshift desk revising or on the beach reading, but not really feeling 'there'. It was beautiful however and did something to cleanse my soul. I have included a selection of pics, that probably replicate the ones from last year, and the year before.

This did feel an idyllic place to write about Socialist realism, something to make revision a little more bearable.

And above is where I have been spending my days, probably in pyjamas, surrounded by cold, un-touched cups of tea.

Today is Thursday. The penultimate day of my easter hols. I feel stressed and uptight, I don't want to revise but there is little else to do to pass the time. This is a common side affect of revision for me-I forget what I do for enjoyment. I will pass these next two days at my desk, taking quick walks in the park, crying, watching movies and in a bubble of fuzziness.
Monday will roll around and the days will melt away with an unfathomable speed.

***

If anyone has any tips on how to revise Shakespeare please tell me. I'm 110% struggling with Othello but am avoiding it because avoidance provides short term comfort.


p.s should probably mention this 'snap' election (that was promised would take place n 2020?!) to which I exclaimed "what the fuck" as I walked to the library. I can't vote because I don't turn 18 until 9th July (1 month and 1 day) which really pisses me off but use your votes wisely people.

Life stuff

pic credz

What I've been doing
Hours in the library, tears, mocks (more tears), coursework deadlines, mini egg consuming, not much else. A bitta' clubbing which 110% wasn't a good idea because I'd spent all week in school until way too late with exams and revision and was exhausted. But I needed something to break up the monotony. Life is a tide of similarity. In a punitive way, I enjoy the stress, focus because it means I can ignore problems that probably need addressing (such as why I can't deal with not having structure and focus and stress). But I've also cried a lot and said "I can't" more times than felt possible. I've signed off my Eng. coursework, which I'm proud of because it was all from my head and it was mine.
I've also been hiding from the imminent fear of "next year". Its irrational but consumes me, plagues me.
This weekend has been beautiful weather, we had our first lunch in the garden and my soul has enjoyed soaking up the sun. I've also been enjoying work quite a bit lately, the enthusiasm of the kids as they learn to say "kitten" fills me with the joys of learning.

What I've been reading/watching
Reading: Exposure, Helen Dunmore
It's been slow but last Sunday I had to wait in the car for an hour and, while the sun was blazing in, I had a glorious epoch of peace, thoroughly enjoying the written word in the moment of quiet.
I've, of course, been re-reading my English texts. They are 90% crap (Dorian Gray: aesthetic hedonism, The Little Stranger: slow and dull) and I need to embark on Othello but I am a little scared of the language.
Watching: Not much, shitty YouTube videos because materialistic hauls are my absolute guilty pleasure (I hate them but can totally switch off to their repetitive privilege). After months of hunting, my friend and I watched 'Edge of 17'. We were excited because it would supposedly reflect us. It didn't really, it was a bit strange but quite an enjoyable watch. This weekend I am planning on watching Moonlight but that plan will probably disappear with the deadlines and procrastination.

What I've been listening to
It has mostly been my 'revision' playlist, on repeat-which is all just Penguin Cafe Orchestra/Chopin, pretentious I know, but something has to drown out the noise of the library.

What I want
Change but not change.
Adventure, new places.
To not have a year of emptiness, to be feeling the excitement of going to university that everyone around me is feeling**.
To see more of the day, instead of my desk, the library, the classroom.
New penpals, if anyone wants to send letters on an intermittent basis, hmu***

What I've been anticipating
Easter, because there are numerous parties, I am returning to my favourite place and its always blessed with rejuvenating sun.
Sleep, because not enough of that has been happening recently.

This idea was stolen from Lexie who stole it from someone else. Steal it too if ya want.

** I know I've made the decision, therefore can't complain, but regretz
***not because my current penpals aren't 10/10

Changing times

**this is heavily opinionated lol**

An irrelevant picture but maybe some calmness?

This week, the Lords passed through the Brexit bill, article 50 will be signed in 14 days (apparently but does anyone really have a fucking plan?) and that begins the process that should take 2 years.
But this was never supposed to happen, never expected to happen so it's all just guess work.
But I have come to the realisation that the world of my future will be no correlation to the one I grew up in.
The freedom of passing borders with no control, free trade, close companionship with those just across the channel, it feels like it may have all disintegrated by the end of my adolescence.
A union that essentially began as a peace treaty after the atrocities we all witnessed in the 20th century and one of the fundamental building blocks is mindlessly pulling out. I know this isn't new news but its resurfaced in my peripheral since the rise of Scottish nationalism (independence?). Hell, by the time I am 25, we may not even be a United Kingdom of 4 nations, just divided England floating alone.
It's kind of difficult to comprehend that something that has been so fundamental in my youth may have changed. Even reminiscing to 12 months ago, the politics are unrecognisable. It feels like we are truly entering the Brave New World.
I'm scared that I'll never have the opportunity to explore Europe with the freedom I currently take for granted and that I'll never fulfil my dream of living abroad, escaping this confining British identity***. And there's such uncertainty, no one expected this to happen, the referendum came about as a result of a throw-away election promise and it ended up with this. The leaders have abandoned ship and we are headlessly sinking.

These are just thoughts in this politically charged climate.
I am also furious about education, arbitrary cuts (meaning Secondary schools could lose up to 6 teachers) and being in a failing comprehensive, the heart of the education system, this would be an absolute bloody disaster. My friends and I repeatedly say they are making changes to education without consulting those who are actually experiencing it. Surely us, as 17-18 year olds know what works and what doesn't, have relevant experience that may actually do some good.
Finally, George Osbourne. And his £650,000 salary for 1 day of work a week. Along with numerous other jobs. And being a back-bench MP (supposedly a full time job). Since writing this, Osborne has been made editor of the London Standard. A full-time job (for which he has no experience) but doesn't he have the privilege of representing the people in parliament? Isn't that a full-time job?
If our country is run by greedy, disillusioned men (not actually true but I'm not much of a fan of Theresa the Appeaser either) what hope do we have?
I'm terrified about the state of this world but also kind of sadistically intrigued to see how it will all pan out.

*** i know these are minor problems lol

Some nourishment

This week is going down with the shittest. School thought it was a good idea to do another round of mocks but after school this time. So after a day of stress, revision and lessons, we have a 2.5 hour exam. And then coursework deadlines (x2), the geography coursework booklet coming in and revision for actual exams that actually matter.
I'm so unbelievably tired and lost and its only day 1.
SO here are some things getting me through.

1. Twirls/Wispas/any chocolate (in copious amounts)
2. Wearing no makeup
3. Letters from lovely people
4. Songs: Santa Monica Dream, Angus and Julia Stone//Southern Jukebox Music, Penguin Cafe Orchestra//Bon Iver, Lump Sum
5. Guilty Feminist, Stereotypes episode
6. The unbelievably cute and enthusiastic kids at work (not the ones that fall asleep)
7. Anything that Noor Unnahar writes (I'd recommend her instagram)
8. This post from Messy Heads (which is becoming my bible, I wish it didn't cost the same price to ship it to the UK as it does to buy the actually mag)
9. And this post 
10. Wanderlust about travelling around my beloved continent 
11. Exposure by Helen Dunmore (I adore spy/historical books and this is that, its a nice break in the 10 mins before I fall asleep at night)

There is so much political anger in me, all the sentiments of June 23rd are coming back. But for now, enjoy the above.